I was standing doing my hair today wondering where I went wrong in life. How come I'm working my ass off trying to find a job, take care of a home, take care of my kids (who most days hate me), and take care of myself? Which the later seems to be sorely losing out. Honestly! Did I make a mistake in college when I chose a Business degree that focused on Advertising and Graphic Arts? Did I make a mistake when I opted not to pose for Playboy when they were at my college campus? Did I make a mistake when I thought having kids would fix my troubled marriage? Did I make a mistake when I chose to stay home and be a full time parent for my kids? or did I make the biggest mistake of all and not get into reality TV?????
Seriously! Out of all the poor decisions I've made in the last 20 years, I can honestly say I most regret not getting a degree in Bayou Gator Hunting, being Hugh Heffner's 20 year old girl friend, signing up for Dave & Julie Plus 5, or selling out my kid's tantrums to some ridiculous dance show, nanny show, or talent show!!! I want to know exactly what Sharon Osborn wants to do for Honey Boo Boo. Give her money for a college education??? Make her a talent star because she's an over weight mouthy little girl?? What??
I want to know what the rest of the hard working people around the world did wrong that they don't make $300k AN EPISODE for drinking, smoking, swearing, tanning, and sleeping with every warm willing body! I want to know why I wasn't born a red neck!!!! Look at all the GREAT vacations they go on!!! The Hamptons and Europe! I want to go there! Oh wait I can't...because I'm an "average" American trying to find a job so that my "real" children can eat and continue to have a roof over their head.
Why wasn't I born extremely wealthy? or marry someone extremely wealthy so that I can throw my 12 year old daughter a birthday party, where ALL the guests are required to bring a gift totalling more than most people make in a month. Then belittle and berate all my staff because the money I have is an entitlement, not something I worked really hard for.
Better yet!!! Why wasn't I born a gifted athlete who wins the hearts, admiration, and respect of millions? Only to believe I'm invincible to the laws. OOOOOhhhh even one better than a professional athlete? A politician!!!! Sooooo above the law! I could have been a crook, a murderer, an adulterer, or a rapist and gotten away with ALL of it! Why? because I'm a politician.
I'm just completely sick of all the job opportunities I've passed up in the last few years. Clearly there were some good ones! Clearly ones where I wouldn't have to have ANY regard for hard work and self respect. Ones that teach my children about the easy road in life. Ones that don't require any of life's skills. Ones where I don't even have to speak clear English! Ones that destroy my loved ones trust, honesty and self worth. Ones that DON'T represent everything I was raised to believe. I don't want the easy road. I just want a job that pays a few bills. I don't want to be any one's boss. I just want to go to work, do my job, come home, and boss around my five kids. I'm not asking for much. Just a chance. I suppose I can always resort to gator hunting if all else fails.....food for the kids and a new belt and shoes for Mama! Win win for everyone!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Some Days Suck
Waa, waa, waa...I know, I know, we all have our problems. Some just seem worse than others. And some days just totally suck. I try very hard to stay positive and I try very hard to make sure the glass is always half full. But, having to be the bad guy, or in my case, the meanest mom in town, just blows.
Whoever said kids suck the life out of you, wasn't kidding. That's exactly what they do! They take your life and your wallet without a blink of an eye. After my son got through telling me I was a horrible mother because I wouldn't spend 99 cents on ANOTHER video game for him, my daughter came after me because I told her she couldn't go away for the weekend due to too much homework. My other son had to remind me that it was ALL my fault that no one was home to play. And my other two daughters were mad at me because I made them sit and eat a healthy meal before they could play with their friend. I'm so mean right???
I honestly don't EVER remember being that mean to my mom. Sure I remember being disappointed because I couldn't do EVERYTHING I wanted and being pissed off because I couldn't have the rainbow shirt ALL my friends had. But I never talked to my mom the way my kids talk to me. Like the world owes them. Like they deserve to have EVERYTHING. It's disgusting really. Deep down it makes me wonder if I did something to create this? Or can I blame all their friends that DO get everything and tease my kids because they don't have the latest and greatest new toy? Or can I blame all the ridiculous TV ads for pushing all the new technology my kids THINK they need? I don't know the answer. I really don't. What I do know is that I'm the meanest mom ever because I don't always give in.
As I listened to my friend yesterday, I am reminded that things can always be worse. She has to be one of the kindest, most giving people I know. She is one of those people who literally has nothing, yet would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She is one in a million. More people should be like her! My kids should be like her! I just feel for her. Like many families, they are struggling every month just to get by. She works and her husband works two jobs. Yet it's just not enough. She is absolutely someone I wish would win the lottery or fall into a pool of money. Why? Because it's people like her that need a little luck. Why is it that those who can potentially squander good fortune do? and those that truly need it are eternally grateful and use it wisely? Again, answers I can't wrap my head around. I just hate knowing that those of us who work really hard to keep what we have, get the short end of the stick. We have to beg, borrow and plead just to keep our heads afloat.
Recently, I have been slapped in the face with the reality of job hunting. It is clearly a world of who you know, not what you know. In the last month and a half I have applied to almost 50 jobs. No one has responded. I am thoroughly discouraged. So yes, I have to remind myself that things could be worse. Some days do suck. I am mean because I'm trying to make my kids appreciate what they already have. And I am reminded daily that with a little hope, patience, and luck things ALWAYS work out. Some times we just have to go through hell to get to happiness.
Whoever said kids suck the life out of you, wasn't kidding. That's exactly what they do! They take your life and your wallet without a blink of an eye. After my son got through telling me I was a horrible mother because I wouldn't spend 99 cents on ANOTHER video game for him, my daughter came after me because I told her she couldn't go away for the weekend due to too much homework. My other son had to remind me that it was ALL my fault that no one was home to play. And my other two daughters were mad at me because I made them sit and eat a healthy meal before they could play with their friend. I'm so mean right???
I honestly don't EVER remember being that mean to my mom. Sure I remember being disappointed because I couldn't do EVERYTHING I wanted and being pissed off because I couldn't have the rainbow shirt ALL my friends had. But I never talked to my mom the way my kids talk to me. Like the world owes them. Like they deserve to have EVERYTHING. It's disgusting really. Deep down it makes me wonder if I did something to create this? Or can I blame all their friends that DO get everything and tease my kids because they don't have the latest and greatest new toy? Or can I blame all the ridiculous TV ads for pushing all the new technology my kids THINK they need? I don't know the answer. I really don't. What I do know is that I'm the meanest mom ever because I don't always give in.
As I listened to my friend yesterday, I am reminded that things can always be worse. She has to be one of the kindest, most giving people I know. She is one of those people who literally has nothing, yet would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She is one in a million. More people should be like her! My kids should be like her! I just feel for her. Like many families, they are struggling every month just to get by. She works and her husband works two jobs. Yet it's just not enough. She is absolutely someone I wish would win the lottery or fall into a pool of money. Why? Because it's people like her that need a little luck. Why is it that those who can potentially squander good fortune do? and those that truly need it are eternally grateful and use it wisely? Again, answers I can't wrap my head around. I just hate knowing that those of us who work really hard to keep what we have, get the short end of the stick. We have to beg, borrow and plead just to keep our heads afloat.
Recently, I have been slapped in the face with the reality of job hunting. It is clearly a world of who you know, not what you know. In the last month and a half I have applied to almost 50 jobs. No one has responded. I am thoroughly discouraged. So yes, I have to remind myself that things could be worse. Some days do suck. I am mean because I'm trying to make my kids appreciate what they already have. And I am reminded daily that with a little hope, patience, and luck things ALWAYS work out. Some times we just have to go through hell to get to happiness.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Spanx
When it rains, it pours. I don't know who coined that phrase, but it always seems to hit right on the money. I had a horrible weekend with my kiddos. I've decided that they are the most selfish, ungrateful, rude, self centered people I know. The depressing part is that I feel like it's all my fault. The reality is that a good majority of it stems from their father. I run a tight ship. I can make Mommy Dearest look like a saint some days.
After I went on strike yesterday and refused to help them or cook for them, AND reminded them countless times that they treat me like dirt, a few of them finally apologized. I still want to choke them this morning. But for the moment, and for my own sanity, I feel the need to be funny. Not all weepy. After all, laughter is the best medicine. And, if I don't start laughing, I may actually spend the day crying again.
So here's the skinny. I am a relatively small person. However, if there is one thing I can't stand, it's my belly. Thank you again ungrateful children. I just hate the way it looks when I want to wear something fitting. Hence the miracle cure, Spanx. Or so I thought. I have actually spent a fair amount of money on these get-ups. All with the hope that it will sausage my belly into looking like a movie star.
The first one I bought rides up my bum. I figured that it wasn't supposed to do that, and I bought another one with tighter tummy control. The second one with straps, squishes my boobs so far together that I look like a porn star. Thus prompting me to purchase a third. The final one, a super tummy control, flattens both my boobs and sometimes my tummy so that I now look like my 11 year old daughter. Notice the word sometimes??? Yes, I finally figured out that Spanx are great, provided you purchase the right one. The problem is this. Spanx do not allow you the freedom to eat and drink as much as you can and still hold your belly in. Clearly there was no mention of that in the ad. Otherwise, I would have saved myself hundreds of dollars and just ordered a salad and a water. Not an appetizer, burger, fries, and beer.
The concept of Spanx is great. And granted when you finish squeezing yourself in and stop sweating, they do actually make your outfit look great! However, I'm not a movie star. I don't starve myself before I attempt to get into one. I don't order a salad, or not eat at all, before, during and after wearing one. I wrestle myself into it, eat and drink all kinds of bad stuff, then wrestle myself out of it. It's truly a process! And now that it is WAY tighter than when I stuffed myself in, I HAVE to have help getting out. Kind of takes the sexiness out of the moment. I'm sweaty and exhausted and I haven't even had any fun.
This is what women endure to look good for their men. Years ago it was a corset. Now it's Spanx. I keep asking my man, "How come we don't stop running? Let's just be fat and happy. Let's become part of the majority, not the minority and eat and drink all we can!" Granted this statement ALWAYS comes in the middle of a long run, followed by nachos and beer at our favorite restaurant. We run, so we CAN eat and drink like we want. With the occasional over indulgence thrown in. But who's pointing fingers? Not me! I guess my point is this. There is no miracle cure for the Buddha belly. Either embrace it's existence, or stuff it in and pray it doesn't spring lose! Now where did I hide that chocolate?????
After I went on strike yesterday and refused to help them or cook for them, AND reminded them countless times that they treat me like dirt, a few of them finally apologized. I still want to choke them this morning. But for the moment, and for my own sanity, I feel the need to be funny. Not all weepy. After all, laughter is the best medicine. And, if I don't start laughing, I may actually spend the day crying again.
So here's the skinny. I am a relatively small person. However, if there is one thing I can't stand, it's my belly. Thank you again ungrateful children. I just hate the way it looks when I want to wear something fitting. Hence the miracle cure, Spanx. Or so I thought. I have actually spent a fair amount of money on these get-ups. All with the hope that it will sausage my belly into looking like a movie star.
The first one I bought rides up my bum. I figured that it wasn't supposed to do that, and I bought another one with tighter tummy control. The second one with straps, squishes my boobs so far together that I look like a porn star. Thus prompting me to purchase a third. The final one, a super tummy control, flattens both my boobs and sometimes my tummy so that I now look like my 11 year old daughter. Notice the word sometimes??? Yes, I finally figured out that Spanx are great, provided you purchase the right one. The problem is this. Spanx do not allow you the freedom to eat and drink as much as you can and still hold your belly in. Clearly there was no mention of that in the ad. Otherwise, I would have saved myself hundreds of dollars and just ordered a salad and a water. Not an appetizer, burger, fries, and beer.
The concept of Spanx is great. And granted when you finish squeezing yourself in and stop sweating, they do actually make your outfit look great! However, I'm not a movie star. I don't starve myself before I attempt to get into one. I don't order a salad, or not eat at all, before, during and after wearing one. I wrestle myself into it, eat and drink all kinds of bad stuff, then wrestle myself out of it. It's truly a process! And now that it is WAY tighter than when I stuffed myself in, I HAVE to have help getting out. Kind of takes the sexiness out of the moment. I'm sweaty and exhausted and I haven't even had any fun.
This is what women endure to look good for their men. Years ago it was a corset. Now it's Spanx. I keep asking my man, "How come we don't stop running? Let's just be fat and happy. Let's become part of the majority, not the minority and eat and drink all we can!" Granted this statement ALWAYS comes in the middle of a long run, followed by nachos and beer at our favorite restaurant. We run, so we CAN eat and drink like we want. With the occasional over indulgence thrown in. But who's pointing fingers? Not me! I guess my point is this. There is no miracle cure for the Buddha belly. Either embrace it's existence, or stuff it in and pray it doesn't spring lose! Now where did I hide that chocolate?????
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Hormone Therapy
It was suggested to me today that MAYBE I should try hormone therapy...My response was VERY clear, "Why? I don't have any problem being a B*$ch! I don't want to fix it." I have definitely reached my whits end. And it's not just my kids this time. Shocked? Yes, I realize you are.
I have been trying to get a job for the last month. OK, it's been longer than that. But, I have been REALLY trying this last month. It has been an absolute nightmare. For several reasons. The ex lost his job at the end of July. It was the ONLY responsibility he had. Literally. I do everything else. So now the push is on for both of us to come up with something. Me because I cannot stand to be strapped to a clinically depressed-unmotivated-poor me-idiot anymore. And him for his children.
I've been slapped into the reality of it is CLEARLY who you know these days, not what you know. It's sad really. I have applied to so many jobs with very little response. Other than, "We got your resume and it's now in our data bank..." with millions of other people trying to get a job too. No one actually sends you a thanks but no thanks letter anymore. They just send a generic data bank letter or nothing at all. The thing that truly aggravates me is the time it takes to actually fill out an on-line application! It is beyond ridiculous. It takes an hour for EACH application. Then to get nothing or a generic response is just discouraging.
I made the executive decision that I am applying anywhere. If I'm going to be the one to support my kids, then I get to dictate where we live. Right? So where to??? Hmmmmm Bermuda, Belize, Fiji, Hawaii, Caribbean???? Why not right? I have no problem packing up my bathing suit, sun screen, and Kindle and moving out. I can home school the kids on the beach. They can learn about real life by ripping off tourists and selling t-shirts on the beach. If the wackos from Jersey Shore can do it, why can't my kids?? My kids are WAY smarter than those nut jobs! Imagine what they can learn! Math, Science, Social Studies, Foreign Language, street smarts...What?! Why can't I just do what the locals do there? Open up a fake business with no insurance, and pray no one gets hurt...I'm 99% sure that's how most businesses operate down on the islands.
OK, so maybe I'm delirious with frustration. I'm trying very hard to stay positive and do a little bit everyday. But, it really is hard to stay focused when you know going into a job posting that your odds of getting a human being to respond or that an internal candidate has pretty well secured the position are slim to none. Why can't I win the lottery? or at least buy some property that miraculously has natural gas hidden under it? Or oil? Jeez, now I sound like the ex...boo hoo poor me. NOT!!! I am a firm believer in making your own happiness. Therefore, I will keep plugging along with the belief that only good will come my way...Oh cabana boy!!! Have you seen my chitlings???? A girl can dream right??
I have been trying to get a job for the last month. OK, it's been longer than that. But, I have been REALLY trying this last month. It has been an absolute nightmare. For several reasons. The ex lost his job at the end of July. It was the ONLY responsibility he had. Literally. I do everything else. So now the push is on for both of us to come up with something. Me because I cannot stand to be strapped to a clinically depressed-unmotivated-poor me-idiot anymore. And him for his children.
I've been slapped into the reality of it is CLEARLY who you know these days, not what you know. It's sad really. I have applied to so many jobs with very little response. Other than, "We got your resume and it's now in our data bank..." with millions of other people trying to get a job too. No one actually sends you a thanks but no thanks letter anymore. They just send a generic data bank letter or nothing at all. The thing that truly aggravates me is the time it takes to actually fill out an on-line application! It is beyond ridiculous. It takes an hour for EACH application. Then to get nothing or a generic response is just discouraging.
I made the executive decision that I am applying anywhere. If I'm going to be the one to support my kids, then I get to dictate where we live. Right? So where to??? Hmmmmm Bermuda, Belize, Fiji, Hawaii, Caribbean???? Why not right? I have no problem packing up my bathing suit, sun screen, and Kindle and moving out. I can home school the kids on the beach. They can learn about real life by ripping off tourists and selling t-shirts on the beach. If the wackos from Jersey Shore can do it, why can't my kids?? My kids are WAY smarter than those nut jobs! Imagine what they can learn! Math, Science, Social Studies, Foreign Language, street smarts...What?! Why can't I just do what the locals do there? Open up a fake business with no insurance, and pray no one gets hurt...I'm 99% sure that's how most businesses operate down on the islands.
OK, so maybe I'm delirious with frustration. I'm trying very hard to stay positive and do a little bit everyday. But, it really is hard to stay focused when you know going into a job posting that your odds of getting a human being to respond or that an internal candidate has pretty well secured the position are slim to none. Why can't I win the lottery? or at least buy some property that miraculously has natural gas hidden under it? Or oil? Jeez, now I sound like the ex...boo hoo poor me. NOT!!! I am a firm believer in making your own happiness. Therefore, I will keep plugging along with the belief that only good will come my way...Oh cabana boy!!! Have you seen my chitlings???? A girl can dream right??
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Back To School
Ahhhhh...The day has FINALLY arrived! The first day of school. I feel like Mr. Rogers, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood..." I love my kids, but wow were they ready to go back and I was ready for them to! Woot Woot, bring on the Mommy-ritas!
It wasn't many years ago when there would be moms crying at the bus stop and totally appalled at me for smiling and doing the happy-I-have-my-life-back dance. Now guess who's happy and doing the same dance?! Once you get that taste of freedom, there is no turning back. My house stays clean, there is actually food that lasts more than five minutes, I'm not racing around picking up toy after toy after toy, AND there is no "I'm bored...." every hour on the hour.
My oldest started Middle School this year, two in Fourth Grade, and another two in Second Grade. They aren't babies anymore. In fact all of them WISH they were older. I wish they were older some days too! I can't wait to buy my studio apartment and futon. Have one key and not tell a sole where it is. The old, "Don't call us. We'll call you" will apply.
And it's not just me who's happy that they went back to school. Though they would NEVER admit it, they are too. It gets to a point where they can't stand one another. The bickering lasts from morning until night. The toys aren't fun anymore. The neighbor kids are boring. Even video games become lame. Kids need their space. Mine play all day, pretty much together, share a room at night, then wake up and do it all over. Again, and again, and again. After two and a half months, it gets to be a bit much. And I can't blame them! They have five completely different personalities. Five different sets of interests. And five different taste pallets. Playing mediator, jury and judge gets old real quick. Everyone needs a break. Including the dog. She's out like a light.
I like the routine that school sets. My kids like structure too. When we all know what to expect, things run like clock work. Breakfast, brush, make beds, dress, lunches, out the door. Start cooking dinner at 3:30pm so they can eat like horses, do their homework, and play for another couple hours. Throw in the odd after school activity (which there are several) and call it a day. It's not rocket science, it's just a schedule that's easy for everyone to follow. What's not easy is the homework. No, I am clearly NOT smarter than a 5th Grader! I had trouble with some First Grade stuff last year. I can pretty much hold my own with everything about the kids going back to school. But that homework stuff is a nightmare. I am forever telling my kids, "I did my share of homework. Now it's your turn!"...partly because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Thankfully they don't ask for help often. And thankfully I can look up stuff on the Internet!
Well I can see I'm running out of my mommy time. My oldest will be home in a few hours. Damn that went fast! But peace has settled in the house, power cleaning will start tomorrow, and for now my blood pressure has restored itself. There's nothing a good Margarita can't fix!
It wasn't many years ago when there would be moms crying at the bus stop and totally appalled at me for smiling and doing the happy-I-have-my-life-back dance. Now guess who's happy and doing the same dance?! Once you get that taste of freedom, there is no turning back. My house stays clean, there is actually food that lasts more than five minutes, I'm not racing around picking up toy after toy after toy, AND there is no "I'm bored...." every hour on the hour.
My oldest started Middle School this year, two in Fourth Grade, and another two in Second Grade. They aren't babies anymore. In fact all of them WISH they were older. I wish they were older some days too! I can't wait to buy my studio apartment and futon. Have one key and not tell a sole where it is. The old, "Don't call us. We'll call you" will apply.
And it's not just me who's happy that they went back to school. Though they would NEVER admit it, they are too. It gets to a point where they can't stand one another. The bickering lasts from morning until night. The toys aren't fun anymore. The neighbor kids are boring. Even video games become lame. Kids need their space. Mine play all day, pretty much together, share a room at night, then wake up and do it all over. Again, and again, and again. After two and a half months, it gets to be a bit much. And I can't blame them! They have five completely different personalities. Five different sets of interests. And five different taste pallets. Playing mediator, jury and judge gets old real quick. Everyone needs a break. Including the dog. She's out like a light.
I like the routine that school sets. My kids like structure too. When we all know what to expect, things run like clock work. Breakfast, brush, make beds, dress, lunches, out the door. Start cooking dinner at 3:30pm so they can eat like horses, do their homework, and play for another couple hours. Throw in the odd after school activity (which there are several) and call it a day. It's not rocket science, it's just a schedule that's easy for everyone to follow. What's not easy is the homework. No, I am clearly NOT smarter than a 5th Grader! I had trouble with some First Grade stuff last year. I can pretty much hold my own with everything about the kids going back to school. But that homework stuff is a nightmare. I am forever telling my kids, "I did my share of homework. Now it's your turn!"...partly because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Thankfully they don't ask for help often. And thankfully I can look up stuff on the Internet!
Well I can see I'm running out of my mommy time. My oldest will be home in a few hours. Damn that went fast! But peace has settled in the house, power cleaning will start tomorrow, and for now my blood pressure has restored itself. There's nothing a good Margarita can't fix!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Single Parent
We all make choices in life. Some are good, others are questionable. I always tell my kids that the beauty of life is that we get a do-over. We get the opportunity to make another choice if the original one we make wasn't so great. I wish sometimes that I was as good at taking advice as I am at giving it.
I knew WAY before my twins were born that I was a single parent. Mind you I was married at the time. I did it ALL. After all, that's what people expect from stay at home moms, right? I get that and I'm not complaining. I can cook, clean and take care of babies blindfolded with my arms tied behind my back if I have to. However, when you add two newborns to a just four year old, a two year old and a one year old, doing it ALL isn't an option. AT ALL. Someone had to go to work, that would be the ex, and someone needed to help me. I hired a phenomenal woman who is now one of my greatest friends, confidant, and ally. The minute she walked into my home and told me to never apologize for my kids behavior, they were just kids, I was forever in her debt. Probably one of the best choices I have ever made. She allowed me a life. I was finally able to take a shower, brush my teeth, get a hair cut, go for a run, and have lunch my friends. She allowed me a little bit of freedom so that I could take a break and be a calmer, better mom. Even with the kids all in school, she still offers to help. Sleepovers, baking, swimming, fishing, crafts, a lap to curl up in, you name it, she is still taking care of us. This all despite whatever mayhem she has going on in her own life. I could call her and she'd be here for us. With others, the ex, I am met with a variety of excuses.
Doing it all requires a mental break, not just physical. At the end of the day, when the kids are all FINALLY asleep, adult conversation with someone whom you are supposed to be able to share all your thoughts and concerns with, is a must. Didn't happen. I was completely shut out and alone. Needless to say, my spirit was broke both physically and mentally. I finally found the inner strength and courage to move forward. That was three years ago. I am still doing EVERYTHING but bring home a paycheck. Granted sports related things for my boys, brings out a tad bit of effort on the ex's part. But nothing else. I take care of the house inside and out, pay all the bills, do the shopping, take care of birthday parties, birthday presents, sick kids, Tooth Fairy, Santa, St Valentine, Easter Bunny, carting kids all over town, volunteering at school, doctors appointments, haircuts, trimming finger nails, you name it, I do it! It's my job, I get it. However, the thing that puts me completely over the edge is when I finally ask for help, I am met with excuse after excuse after excuse. Some days it gets to me, like today, and others I chalk off to the source. I always think that the ex will surprise me and pull his head out of his ass. But it never happens. Nor will it ever.
I got my do-over regardless of the hell I endure some days. I have my mom and dad that bend over backwards for me, friends that listen to me complain then make me laugh until it hurts, and a wonderful man that treats me like a princess and my ungrateful children with more attention than their own father. Nothing is perfect and yes I wish things could be different, we all do. But we all have choices. We can sit around and sulk about how life didn't turn out the way we planned, like the ex is STILL doing. Or, we can make a choice, move forward, and be thankful for what we do have. No I never expected to be a single mom. No I didn't want to be. But I am. And I do the best job I can every day for myself, my kids, my mom and dad, my boyfriend, and my friends. I go to bed at night exhausted and able to say, "Today wasn't perfect. But I learned something, and tomorrow will be better." I have to believe that. I have to make that happen. I have to be the strong one that can make decisions in a split second that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the people that make my world great. Being happy is my paycheck. It doesn't cover the bills, but it sure as hell beats whining about all the things I don't have.
I knew WAY before my twins were born that I was a single parent. Mind you I was married at the time. I did it ALL. After all, that's what people expect from stay at home moms, right? I get that and I'm not complaining. I can cook, clean and take care of babies blindfolded with my arms tied behind my back if I have to. However, when you add two newborns to a just four year old, a two year old and a one year old, doing it ALL isn't an option. AT ALL. Someone had to go to work, that would be the ex, and someone needed to help me. I hired a phenomenal woman who is now one of my greatest friends, confidant, and ally. The minute she walked into my home and told me to never apologize for my kids behavior, they were just kids, I was forever in her debt. Probably one of the best choices I have ever made. She allowed me a life. I was finally able to take a shower, brush my teeth, get a hair cut, go for a run, and have lunch my friends. She allowed me a little bit of freedom so that I could take a break and be a calmer, better mom. Even with the kids all in school, she still offers to help. Sleepovers, baking, swimming, fishing, crafts, a lap to curl up in, you name it, she is still taking care of us. This all despite whatever mayhem she has going on in her own life. I could call her and she'd be here for us. With others, the ex, I am met with a variety of excuses.
Doing it all requires a mental break, not just physical. At the end of the day, when the kids are all FINALLY asleep, adult conversation with someone whom you are supposed to be able to share all your thoughts and concerns with, is a must. Didn't happen. I was completely shut out and alone. Needless to say, my spirit was broke both physically and mentally. I finally found the inner strength and courage to move forward. That was three years ago. I am still doing EVERYTHING but bring home a paycheck. Granted sports related things for my boys, brings out a tad bit of effort on the ex's part. But nothing else. I take care of the house inside and out, pay all the bills, do the shopping, take care of birthday parties, birthday presents, sick kids, Tooth Fairy, Santa, St Valentine, Easter Bunny, carting kids all over town, volunteering at school, doctors appointments, haircuts, trimming finger nails, you name it, I do it! It's my job, I get it. However, the thing that puts me completely over the edge is when I finally ask for help, I am met with excuse after excuse after excuse. Some days it gets to me, like today, and others I chalk off to the source. I always think that the ex will surprise me and pull his head out of his ass. But it never happens. Nor will it ever.
I got my do-over regardless of the hell I endure some days. I have my mom and dad that bend over backwards for me, friends that listen to me complain then make me laugh until it hurts, and a wonderful man that treats me like a princess and my ungrateful children with more attention than their own father. Nothing is perfect and yes I wish things could be different, we all do. But we all have choices. We can sit around and sulk about how life didn't turn out the way we planned, like the ex is STILL doing. Or, we can make a choice, move forward, and be thankful for what we do have. No I never expected to be a single mom. No I didn't want to be. But I am. And I do the best job I can every day for myself, my kids, my mom and dad, my boyfriend, and my friends. I go to bed at night exhausted and able to say, "Today wasn't perfect. But I learned something, and tomorrow will be better." I have to believe that. I have to make that happen. I have to be the strong one that can make decisions in a split second that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the people that make my world great. Being happy is my paycheck. It doesn't cover the bills, but it sure as hell beats whining about all the things I don't have.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Why Do They Have To Be "Big"???
It's really sad how life keeps right on going. It doesn't stop when we are sick, our kids are sick, when there isn't any money to pay the bills, when we are sad, angry or hurt. We want it to, just for the sake of catching our breath! To wallow in self pity or grief. Or to simply enjoy the moment for longer than what we are able. Pictures allow us to do some of that. So does our memory...if that's still in tact! As we all know, I struggle with that one!
I was reminded last week of the movie Big with Tom Hanks. Why is it that kids ALWAYS want to be older and adults long to be younger? I'm pretty happy with my age...22. I wish I could freeze that. Oh that's right, I have...for 20 years! I really can't complain. No one cares when I do anyway, but the fact of the matter is that I'm happy. Really and truly happy. I look and feel better now than I ever have. I have amazing kids that drive me crazy one minute and melt my heart the next. I have warm, loving family and friends that I am forever grateful to. And a man in my life that absolutely rocks my world. It's this happiness that I wish to bestow on my kids.
Enjoy the moment! Enjoy what you have! Stop trying to have everything that everyone else has. Stop trying to grow up so damn fast! My oldest is headed to 5th grade camp in a few weeks. I'm beside myself! What happened to my baby??? I went in search of her immunization records for her camp paperwork and came across all her baby stuff. First hair cut, first tooth, first birthday, birth announcement, first check up sheet...everything BUT what I needed of course. Where did 11 years go? Why does she want to shave already? Why was I buying her a razor and shaving cream so that she could, and will, harm herself??? Why does she already want to drive and promise me to NEVER get in a car with someone who's been drinking?? Why, why, why! Why can't they be three and then thirty and allow me to spare myself all that nail biting, up all night worrying garbage? I'm a mess already.
Remember when we couldn't wait for our kids to say their first words? Now we want them to just stop talking! Remember when we wanted them to feed themselves? Now we want to stop the bleeding on the grocery bill! Remember when we wanted them to take their first steps? Now we can't get them to stop running through the house and smashing into everything! Remember when we wanted them to go potty on the "big" potty? Well thank the Lord above they learned that!!!!! We wanted them to be just a little "big" not an adolescent who worries about their looks, their clothes, their hair, their make up, who's going to be at the concert that likes them, or who they like! And worse yet, if they have any friends.
I just want their dreams to always stay BIG and their worries to stay small. Thank you Rascal Flatts! I want them to be happy with who they are and remain the wonderful, smart, caring, compassionate people I know deep down they are. If there is one thing that I hope and pray I do right as a parent, because there won't be much, is that I teach them that their self confidence is much more important than how many video games they have, how many Barbies they have, or if ALL their friends are doing it, why can't they?! Happiness stems from self confidence and pride in yourself. No one can ever take that away from you. Unless you let them. I hope they are always as proud of themselves as I am of them.
Blah, blah, blah right?! That's what I'm thinking as I log off to go up and beat them for wasting the water taking VERY LONG showers!!!!! Why do they have to go and wreck my motherly bliss??? Ah well, just another day. No bail money required....YET!!!!!!
I was reminded last week of the movie Big with Tom Hanks. Why is it that kids ALWAYS want to be older and adults long to be younger? I'm pretty happy with my age...22. I wish I could freeze that. Oh that's right, I have...for 20 years! I really can't complain. No one cares when I do anyway, but the fact of the matter is that I'm happy. Really and truly happy. I look and feel better now than I ever have. I have amazing kids that drive me crazy one minute and melt my heart the next. I have warm, loving family and friends that I am forever grateful to. And a man in my life that absolutely rocks my world. It's this happiness that I wish to bestow on my kids.
Enjoy the moment! Enjoy what you have! Stop trying to have everything that everyone else has. Stop trying to grow up so damn fast! My oldest is headed to 5th grade camp in a few weeks. I'm beside myself! What happened to my baby??? I went in search of her immunization records for her camp paperwork and came across all her baby stuff. First hair cut, first tooth, first birthday, birth announcement, first check up sheet...everything BUT what I needed of course. Where did 11 years go? Why does she want to shave already? Why was I buying her a razor and shaving cream so that she could, and will, harm herself??? Why does she already want to drive and promise me to NEVER get in a car with someone who's been drinking?? Why, why, why! Why can't they be three and then thirty and allow me to spare myself all that nail biting, up all night worrying garbage? I'm a mess already.
Remember when we couldn't wait for our kids to say their first words? Now we want them to just stop talking! Remember when we wanted them to feed themselves? Now we want to stop the bleeding on the grocery bill! Remember when we wanted them to take their first steps? Now we can't get them to stop running through the house and smashing into everything! Remember when we wanted them to go potty on the "big" potty? Well thank the Lord above they learned that!!!!! We wanted them to be just a little "big" not an adolescent who worries about their looks, their clothes, their hair, their make up, who's going to be at the concert that likes them, or who they like! And worse yet, if they have any friends.
I just want their dreams to always stay BIG and their worries to stay small. Thank you Rascal Flatts! I want them to be happy with who they are and remain the wonderful, smart, caring, compassionate people I know deep down they are. If there is one thing that I hope and pray I do right as a parent, because there won't be much, is that I teach them that their self confidence is much more important than how many video games they have, how many Barbies they have, or if ALL their friends are doing it, why can't they?! Happiness stems from self confidence and pride in yourself. No one can ever take that away from you. Unless you let them. I hope they are always as proud of themselves as I am of them.
Blah, blah, blah right?! That's what I'm thinking as I log off to go up and beat them for wasting the water taking VERY LONG showers!!!!! Why do they have to go and wreck my motherly bliss??? Ah well, just another day. No bail money required....YET!!!!!!
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