We all make choices in life. Some are good, others are questionable. I always tell my kids that the beauty of life is that we get a do-over. We get the opportunity to make another choice if the original one we make wasn't so great. I wish sometimes that I was as good at taking advice as I am at giving it.
I knew WAY before my twins were born that I was a single parent. Mind you I was married at the time. I did it ALL. After all, that's what people expect from stay at home moms, right? I get that and I'm not complaining. I can cook, clean and take care of babies blindfolded with my arms tied behind my back if I have to. However, when you add two newborns to a just four year old, a two year old and a one year old, doing it ALL isn't an option. AT ALL. Someone had to go to work, that would be the ex, and someone needed to help me. I hired a phenomenal woman who is now one of my greatest friends, confidant, and ally. The minute she walked into my home and told me to never apologize for my kids behavior, they were just kids, I was forever in her debt. Probably one of the best choices I have ever made. She allowed me a life. I was finally able to take a shower, brush my teeth, get a hair cut, go for a run, and have lunch my friends. She allowed me a little bit of freedom so that I could take a break and be a calmer, better mom. Even with the kids all in school, she still offers to help. Sleepovers, baking, swimming, fishing, crafts, a lap to curl up in, you name it, she is still taking care of us. This all despite whatever mayhem she has going on in her own life. I could call her and she'd be here for us. With others, the ex, I am met with a variety of excuses.
Doing it all requires a mental break, not just physical. At the end of the day, when the kids are all FINALLY asleep, adult conversation with someone whom you are supposed to be able to share all your thoughts and concerns with, is a must. Didn't happen. I was completely shut out and alone. Needless to say, my spirit was broke both physically and mentally. I finally found the inner strength and courage to move forward. That was three years ago. I am still doing EVERYTHING but bring home a paycheck. Granted sports related things for my boys, brings out a tad bit of effort on the ex's part. But nothing else. I take care of the house inside and out, pay all the bills, do the shopping, take care of birthday parties, birthday presents, sick kids, Tooth Fairy, Santa, St Valentine, Easter Bunny, carting kids all over town, volunteering at school, doctors appointments, haircuts, trimming finger nails, you name it, I do it! It's my job, I get it. However, the thing that puts me completely over the edge is when I finally ask for help, I am met with excuse after excuse after excuse. Some days it gets to me, like today, and others I chalk off to the source. I always think that the ex will surprise me and pull his head out of his ass. But it never happens. Nor will it ever.
I got my do-over regardless of the hell I endure some days. I have my mom and dad that bend over backwards for me, friends that listen to me complain then make me laugh until it hurts, and a wonderful man that treats me like a princess and my ungrateful children with more attention than their own father. Nothing is perfect and yes I wish things could be different, we all do. But we all have choices. We can sit around and sulk about how life didn't turn out the way we planned, like the ex is STILL doing. Or, we can make a choice, move forward, and be thankful for what we do have. No I never expected to be a single mom. No I didn't want to be. But I am. And I do the best job I can every day for myself, my kids, my mom and dad, my boyfriend, and my friends. I go to bed at night exhausted and able to say, "Today wasn't perfect. But I learned something, and tomorrow will be better." I have to believe that. I have to make that happen. I have to be the strong one that can make decisions in a split second that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the people that make my world great. Being happy is my paycheck. It doesn't cover the bills, but it sure as hell beats whining about all the things I don't have.
