Here we go again. The holidays. I can't quite figure out why they make me soooo incredibly grouchy. Oh wait, yes I can. Because I run around like a mad woman cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, organizing, and everything else in between. Which equates to a run down, less time for running (to work off excess food and alcohol), sleep deprived, bad mood, sick mom. And for WHAT I ask you?
Why can't I be a kid again? Why can't I get sooooo excited to see all the decorations, hear Christmas music, relax, and actually enjoy the moment? My kids are out of control with excitement right now. They couldn't contain themselves if I duct taped them to a pole. So much so, that I have literally in two days become the biggest, worst, meanest mommy dearest in all the land. I have Mother of the Year locked tight this year! I mean it's so bad that I actually feel bad and am beyond embarrassed. I was yelling at them so harshly last night that my throat hurts today and I'm pretty sure I heard one of them say that they thought I should be committed. UGH!
I don't know where it all went wrong. All the pressure to buy the perfect gifts, make the perfect food, look perfect, put a smile on my face, be nice to people I clearly don't want to, and so on. I heard someone on a TV show say, "fake it til ya can make it." I've got to make it my motto right now or there may be a few less children for Santa to deliver presents to, and a crazy wacko mommy banging her head in a warm padded room soon!
I've got to snap out of this and learn to enjoy the holidays for what they are. Time with my family that I don't ordinarily get. It's truly that simple. I am blessed with children who make me insanely crazy, yet teach me something new about myself every day. I am blessed with healthy parents who would drop everything to be by my side no matter what I do or say. I am blessed with friends who aren't afraid to tell me like it is, then turn around and make me pee from laughter. I am blessed with a partner who gave me hope in happily ever after again. He makes me smile and laugh and loves me for me. I am blessed with a roof over my head, food on the table, and some change in my pocket. And as much as I loath my ex for every rotten undermining comment, on top of his continal lack of respect toward me, I am thankful that I was able to get five great kids from him and that he continues to provide for them.
To me it's always the little things that matter most. I hope I can teach my kids that they don't always have to have the biggest and best of everything, and that hard work and determination ALWAYS pay off. It's so frustrating to me at the holidays when they think they are owed ALL the toys on their wish list. That somehow Santa has plenty of money and room for ALL that they want. We all want to give our kids the moon. But the reality is, they are lucky to get what they do. Oooooo here comes mean mommy again. Sneaks back in when I least expect it. But maybe that's the connection. Maybe I get so upset because I'd like to give them all that they want, and can't. However, the flip side is that they don't really need it all. And even if they had it all, it doesn't mean it would make them any happier or any more fulfilled. Makes sense to me! Now let me go explain that the a pre-teen, a have-to-have-everything son, an I'll-take-whatever-you-give-me son, and two six year olds who are happy playing with a one armed no hair Barbie. Life is good. And always unpredictable. Hand me my chocolate and a martini and all will be right with the world again....in February!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Bed Hogs....
No one ever tells you about all the BAD stuff that comes with being a mom. And I've come to the conclusion that maybe there's a perfectly simple explanation for that. Human existence would cease to exist.
Deep down we ALL love sloppy kisses, bone crushing hugs, over glued and glittered projects, goofy toothless smiles, boundless giggles, new discoveries, and so on. They all seem to melt away our frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, and fatigue. We want the best for our kids and above all, we want them to be healthy and happy for many many years. I wish we could wrap them in bubble wrap and protect them from hurt, harm, judgement, disease, disappointment, and disability. I wish we could stop worrying about insane people who could snatch them, take away their innocence, kill them, and try to cover it up. I wish mothers who kill their own children would take their own miserable lives instead. I wish our worst fears and nightmares never came to life.
I like to live in my own bubble where I believe nothing bad ever happens to anyone. Especially children. I never wanted children when I was younger. I couldn't understand all that neediness that goes along with them. And I couldn't understand why anyone would want to purposefully set themselves up for a life time of worrying. I changed my mind dramatically one early fall morning when I witnessed the birth of a good friends son. It was so moving. He was small and perfect and priceless. And I wanted one. Five children later I conquered the neediness fear. I still have not, nor will I EVER, let go of the constant worrying. Some days it eats me up, other days I have to believe and trust that I'm making the best decisions for them. Some days I'm good, other days not so much. But at the end of the day, when they are fast asleep, I am eternally thankful that they are all a part of my life, and that they are all healthy and alive.
I have a king size bed that I share with the dumb dog. I have been sleeping on the edge of it now for ten plus years. If it's not the dog sprawled out, it's my kids. Bad dreams, bad weather, sickly, needy, you name it. I've heard it all. I absolutely love my sleep. I am NOT a morning person. It drives me insane when they all pile in and start horsing around. But I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING in the world. Nothing at all. It is a constant reminder that even when they think they hate me, and that I'm the worst mother ever, deep down they love me with all their hearts. These are the stories we share with other moms so that there will be more children. This is why being a mom is priceless. This is why it is so incredibly devastating to hear that someone harms a child.
My wish for Christmas is that all missing children are finally accounted for, sick horrible people who prey on children are removed from this earth, and that love and laugher rein supreme for every child on Christmas morn. It seems like a huge undertaking for Santa. It seems like a huge undertaking for God. In reality, it's our own responsibility. And one we should never ever take lightly. EVER!
Deep down we ALL love sloppy kisses, bone crushing hugs, over glued and glittered projects, goofy toothless smiles, boundless giggles, new discoveries, and so on. They all seem to melt away our frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, and fatigue. We want the best for our kids and above all, we want them to be healthy and happy for many many years. I wish we could wrap them in bubble wrap and protect them from hurt, harm, judgement, disease, disappointment, and disability. I wish we could stop worrying about insane people who could snatch them, take away their innocence, kill them, and try to cover it up. I wish mothers who kill their own children would take their own miserable lives instead. I wish our worst fears and nightmares never came to life.
I like to live in my own bubble where I believe nothing bad ever happens to anyone. Especially children. I never wanted children when I was younger. I couldn't understand all that neediness that goes along with them. And I couldn't understand why anyone would want to purposefully set themselves up for a life time of worrying. I changed my mind dramatically one early fall morning when I witnessed the birth of a good friends son. It was so moving. He was small and perfect and priceless. And I wanted one. Five children later I conquered the neediness fear. I still have not, nor will I EVER, let go of the constant worrying. Some days it eats me up, other days I have to believe and trust that I'm making the best decisions for them. Some days I'm good, other days not so much. But at the end of the day, when they are fast asleep, I am eternally thankful that they are all a part of my life, and that they are all healthy and alive.
I have a king size bed that I share with the dumb dog. I have been sleeping on the edge of it now for ten plus years. If it's not the dog sprawled out, it's my kids. Bad dreams, bad weather, sickly, needy, you name it. I've heard it all. I absolutely love my sleep. I am NOT a morning person. It drives me insane when they all pile in and start horsing around. But I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING in the world. Nothing at all. It is a constant reminder that even when they think they hate me, and that I'm the worst mother ever, deep down they love me with all their hearts. These are the stories we share with other moms so that there will be more children. This is why being a mom is priceless. This is why it is so incredibly devastating to hear that someone harms a child.
My wish for Christmas is that all missing children are finally accounted for, sick horrible people who prey on children are removed from this earth, and that love and laugher rein supreme for every child on Christmas morn. It seems like a huge undertaking for Santa. It seems like a huge undertaking for God. In reality, it's our own responsibility. And one we should never ever take lightly. EVER!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Persistence
I am absolutely one of those people who if you tell them they can't do something, I am hell bent on doing it and then some. I don't think I have ever told one of my friends that they can't or shouldn't do something. I may not agree with their decision, but I respect the fact that it is theirs, and let it go. The same does not always hold true for how they treat me.
Mind you I had an absolute blast with my two best friends this past weekend. That is until I overheard them whispering about me. Still makes me shake my head. I believe in best friends telling it like it is. No, sometimes things aren't easy to hear. But sometimes they are just plain hurtful. You can tell a friend to their face that you're supportive and non-judgemental. But the words that come out aren't always just that.
It seems as though we are so quick to judge others when something they are doing is not how we would do it ourselves. We are our own worst critics in life as it is. Having your friends beat you down on top of that just tends to wreck you. However in my case, it adds fuel to the fire.
I am not afraid to try and fail. I think that there is something to be learned each time you do. I think I am realistic and put 100% thought behind everything I do. I believe in myself and the life I am creating for my kids. I'm a good mom, good daughter, good girlfriend, and good friend. I treat people with kindness, even when I don't want to. I don't judge anyone. I believe that people make mistakes, and can make new choices that can correct the problem. I also believe that people make new choices that don't. I live my life constantly moving forward and reaching for the best. In both myself and the expectations I hold for those around me.
I don't fault my friends. But I also don't agree with their opinions. I also don't believe they can make an opinion without walking a day in my shoes. Their negativity and lack of support for the decisions I make only pushes me to strive harder and be better at ALL that I do. Or choose to do. I believe that persistence and patience pay out in the end. And that everything truly does happen for a reason. I believe that I will succeed, I will persevere, and I will reach the goals I have set for myself. I just need to remember that everything takes time. Smart decisions aren't rushed decisions.
Mind you I had an absolute blast with my two best friends this past weekend. That is until I overheard them whispering about me. Still makes me shake my head. I believe in best friends telling it like it is. No, sometimes things aren't easy to hear. But sometimes they are just plain hurtful. You can tell a friend to their face that you're supportive and non-judgemental. But the words that come out aren't always just that.
It seems as though we are so quick to judge others when something they are doing is not how we would do it ourselves. We are our own worst critics in life as it is. Having your friends beat you down on top of that just tends to wreck you. However in my case, it adds fuel to the fire.
I am not afraid to try and fail. I think that there is something to be learned each time you do. I think I am realistic and put 100% thought behind everything I do. I believe in myself and the life I am creating for my kids. I'm a good mom, good daughter, good girlfriend, and good friend. I treat people with kindness, even when I don't want to. I don't judge anyone. I believe that people make mistakes, and can make new choices that can correct the problem. I also believe that people make new choices that don't. I live my life constantly moving forward and reaching for the best. In both myself and the expectations I hold for those around me.
I don't fault my friends. But I also don't agree with their opinions. I also don't believe they can make an opinion without walking a day in my shoes. Their negativity and lack of support for the decisions I make only pushes me to strive harder and be better at ALL that I do. Or choose to do. I believe that persistence and patience pay out in the end. And that everything truly does happen for a reason. I believe that I will succeed, I will persevere, and I will reach the goals I have set for myself. I just need to remember that everything takes time. Smart decisions aren't rushed decisions.
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