When it rains, it pours. I don't know who coined that phrase, but it always seems to hit right on the money. I had a horrible weekend with my kiddos. I've decided that they are the most selfish, ungrateful, rude, self centered people I know. The depressing part is that I feel like it's all my fault. The reality is that a good majority of it stems from their father. I run a tight ship. I can make Mommy Dearest look like a saint some days.
After I went on strike yesterday and refused to help them or cook for them, AND reminded them countless times that they treat me like dirt, a few of them finally apologized. I still want to choke them this morning. But for the moment, and for my own sanity, I feel the need to be funny. Not all weepy. After all, laughter is the best medicine. And, if I don't start laughing, I may actually spend the day crying again.
So here's the skinny. I am a relatively small person. However, if there is one thing I can't stand, it's my belly. Thank you again ungrateful children. I just hate the way it looks when I want to wear something fitting. Hence the miracle cure, Spanx. Or so I thought. I have actually spent a fair amount of money on these get-ups. All with the hope that it will sausage my belly into looking like a movie star.
The first one I bought rides up my bum. I figured that it wasn't supposed to do that, and I bought another one with tighter tummy control. The second one with straps, squishes my boobs so far together that I look like a porn star. Thus prompting me to purchase a third. The final one, a super tummy control, flattens both my boobs and sometimes my tummy so that I now look like my 11 year old daughter. Notice the word sometimes??? Yes, I finally figured out that Spanx are great, provided you purchase the right one. The problem is this. Spanx do not allow you the freedom to eat and drink as much as you can and still hold your belly in. Clearly there was no mention of that in the ad. Otherwise, I would have saved myself hundreds of dollars and just ordered a salad and a water. Not an appetizer, burger, fries, and beer.
The concept of Spanx is great. And granted when you finish squeezing yourself in and stop sweating, they do actually make your outfit look great! However, I'm not a movie star. I don't starve myself before I attempt to get into one. I don't order a salad, or not eat at all, before, during and after wearing one. I wrestle myself into it, eat and drink all kinds of bad stuff, then wrestle myself out of it. It's truly a process! And now that it is WAY tighter than when I stuffed myself in, I HAVE to have help getting out. Kind of takes the sexiness out of the moment. I'm sweaty and exhausted and I haven't even had any fun.
This is what women endure to look good for their men. Years ago it was a corset. Now it's Spanx. I keep asking my man, "How come we don't stop running? Let's just be fat and happy. Let's become part of the majority, not the minority and eat and drink all we can!" Granted this statement ALWAYS comes in the middle of a long run, followed by nachos and beer at our favorite restaurant. We run, so we CAN eat and drink like we want. With the occasional over indulgence thrown in. But who's pointing fingers? Not me! I guess my point is this. There is no miracle cure for the Buddha belly. Either embrace it's existence, or stuff it in and pray it doesn't spring lose! Now where did I hide that chocolate?????
Monday, September 10, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Hormone Therapy
It was suggested to me today that MAYBE I should try hormone therapy...My response was VERY clear, "Why? I don't have any problem being a B*$ch! I don't want to fix it." I have definitely reached my whits end. And it's not just my kids this time. Shocked? Yes, I realize you are.
I have been trying to get a job for the last month. OK, it's been longer than that. But, I have been REALLY trying this last month. It has been an absolute nightmare. For several reasons. The ex lost his job at the end of July. It was the ONLY responsibility he had. Literally. I do everything else. So now the push is on for both of us to come up with something. Me because I cannot stand to be strapped to a clinically depressed-unmotivated-poor me-idiot anymore. And him for his children.
I've been slapped into the reality of it is CLEARLY who you know these days, not what you know. It's sad really. I have applied to so many jobs with very little response. Other than, "We got your resume and it's now in our data bank..." with millions of other people trying to get a job too. No one actually sends you a thanks but no thanks letter anymore. They just send a generic data bank letter or nothing at all. The thing that truly aggravates me is the time it takes to actually fill out an on-line application! It is beyond ridiculous. It takes an hour for EACH application. Then to get nothing or a generic response is just discouraging.
I made the executive decision that I am applying anywhere. If I'm going to be the one to support my kids, then I get to dictate where we live. Right? So where to??? Hmmmmm Bermuda, Belize, Fiji, Hawaii, Caribbean???? Why not right? I have no problem packing up my bathing suit, sun screen, and Kindle and moving out. I can home school the kids on the beach. They can learn about real life by ripping off tourists and selling t-shirts on the beach. If the wackos from Jersey Shore can do it, why can't my kids?? My kids are WAY smarter than those nut jobs! Imagine what they can learn! Math, Science, Social Studies, Foreign Language, street smarts...What?! Why can't I just do what the locals do there? Open up a fake business with no insurance, and pray no one gets hurt...I'm 99% sure that's how most businesses operate down on the islands.
OK, so maybe I'm delirious with frustration. I'm trying very hard to stay positive and do a little bit everyday. But, it really is hard to stay focused when you know going into a job posting that your odds of getting a human being to respond or that an internal candidate has pretty well secured the position are slim to none. Why can't I win the lottery? or at least buy some property that miraculously has natural gas hidden under it? Or oil? Jeez, now I sound like the ex...boo hoo poor me. NOT!!! I am a firm believer in making your own happiness. Therefore, I will keep plugging along with the belief that only good will come my way...Oh cabana boy!!! Have you seen my chitlings???? A girl can dream right??
I have been trying to get a job for the last month. OK, it's been longer than that. But, I have been REALLY trying this last month. It has been an absolute nightmare. For several reasons. The ex lost his job at the end of July. It was the ONLY responsibility he had. Literally. I do everything else. So now the push is on for both of us to come up with something. Me because I cannot stand to be strapped to a clinically depressed-unmotivated-poor me-idiot anymore. And him for his children.
I've been slapped into the reality of it is CLEARLY who you know these days, not what you know. It's sad really. I have applied to so many jobs with very little response. Other than, "We got your resume and it's now in our data bank..." with millions of other people trying to get a job too. No one actually sends you a thanks but no thanks letter anymore. They just send a generic data bank letter or nothing at all. The thing that truly aggravates me is the time it takes to actually fill out an on-line application! It is beyond ridiculous. It takes an hour for EACH application. Then to get nothing or a generic response is just discouraging.
I made the executive decision that I am applying anywhere. If I'm going to be the one to support my kids, then I get to dictate where we live. Right? So where to??? Hmmmmm Bermuda, Belize, Fiji, Hawaii, Caribbean???? Why not right? I have no problem packing up my bathing suit, sun screen, and Kindle and moving out. I can home school the kids on the beach. They can learn about real life by ripping off tourists and selling t-shirts on the beach. If the wackos from Jersey Shore can do it, why can't my kids?? My kids are WAY smarter than those nut jobs! Imagine what they can learn! Math, Science, Social Studies, Foreign Language, street smarts...What?! Why can't I just do what the locals do there? Open up a fake business with no insurance, and pray no one gets hurt...I'm 99% sure that's how most businesses operate down on the islands.
OK, so maybe I'm delirious with frustration. I'm trying very hard to stay positive and do a little bit everyday. But, it really is hard to stay focused when you know going into a job posting that your odds of getting a human being to respond or that an internal candidate has pretty well secured the position are slim to none. Why can't I win the lottery? or at least buy some property that miraculously has natural gas hidden under it? Or oil? Jeez, now I sound like the ex...boo hoo poor me. NOT!!! I am a firm believer in making your own happiness. Therefore, I will keep plugging along with the belief that only good will come my way...Oh cabana boy!!! Have you seen my chitlings???? A girl can dream right??
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Back To School
Ahhhhh...The day has FINALLY arrived! The first day of school. I feel like Mr. Rogers, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood..." I love my kids, but wow were they ready to go back and I was ready for them to! Woot Woot, bring on the Mommy-ritas!
It wasn't many years ago when there would be moms crying at the bus stop and totally appalled at me for smiling and doing the happy-I-have-my-life-back dance. Now guess who's happy and doing the same dance?! Once you get that taste of freedom, there is no turning back. My house stays clean, there is actually food that lasts more than five minutes, I'm not racing around picking up toy after toy after toy, AND there is no "I'm bored...." every hour on the hour.
My oldest started Middle School this year, two in Fourth Grade, and another two in Second Grade. They aren't babies anymore. In fact all of them WISH they were older. I wish they were older some days too! I can't wait to buy my studio apartment and futon. Have one key and not tell a sole where it is. The old, "Don't call us. We'll call you" will apply.
And it's not just me who's happy that they went back to school. Though they would NEVER admit it, they are too. It gets to a point where they can't stand one another. The bickering lasts from morning until night. The toys aren't fun anymore. The neighbor kids are boring. Even video games become lame. Kids need their space. Mine play all day, pretty much together, share a room at night, then wake up and do it all over. Again, and again, and again. After two and a half months, it gets to be a bit much. And I can't blame them! They have five completely different personalities. Five different sets of interests. And five different taste pallets. Playing mediator, jury and judge gets old real quick. Everyone needs a break. Including the dog. She's out like a light.
I like the routine that school sets. My kids like structure too. When we all know what to expect, things run like clock work. Breakfast, brush, make beds, dress, lunches, out the door. Start cooking dinner at 3:30pm so they can eat like horses, do their homework, and play for another couple hours. Throw in the odd after school activity (which there are several) and call it a day. It's not rocket science, it's just a schedule that's easy for everyone to follow. What's not easy is the homework. No, I am clearly NOT smarter than a 5th Grader! I had trouble with some First Grade stuff last year. I can pretty much hold my own with everything about the kids going back to school. But that homework stuff is a nightmare. I am forever telling my kids, "I did my share of homework. Now it's your turn!"...partly because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Thankfully they don't ask for help often. And thankfully I can look up stuff on the Internet!
Well I can see I'm running out of my mommy time. My oldest will be home in a few hours. Damn that went fast! But peace has settled in the house, power cleaning will start tomorrow, and for now my blood pressure has restored itself. There's nothing a good Margarita can't fix!
It wasn't many years ago when there would be moms crying at the bus stop and totally appalled at me for smiling and doing the happy-I-have-my-life-back dance. Now guess who's happy and doing the same dance?! Once you get that taste of freedom, there is no turning back. My house stays clean, there is actually food that lasts more than five minutes, I'm not racing around picking up toy after toy after toy, AND there is no "I'm bored...." every hour on the hour.
My oldest started Middle School this year, two in Fourth Grade, and another two in Second Grade. They aren't babies anymore. In fact all of them WISH they were older. I wish they were older some days too! I can't wait to buy my studio apartment and futon. Have one key and not tell a sole where it is. The old, "Don't call us. We'll call you" will apply.
And it's not just me who's happy that they went back to school. Though they would NEVER admit it, they are too. It gets to a point where they can't stand one another. The bickering lasts from morning until night. The toys aren't fun anymore. The neighbor kids are boring. Even video games become lame. Kids need their space. Mine play all day, pretty much together, share a room at night, then wake up and do it all over. Again, and again, and again. After two and a half months, it gets to be a bit much. And I can't blame them! They have five completely different personalities. Five different sets of interests. And five different taste pallets. Playing mediator, jury and judge gets old real quick. Everyone needs a break. Including the dog. She's out like a light.
I like the routine that school sets. My kids like structure too. When we all know what to expect, things run like clock work. Breakfast, brush, make beds, dress, lunches, out the door. Start cooking dinner at 3:30pm so they can eat like horses, do their homework, and play for another couple hours. Throw in the odd after school activity (which there are several) and call it a day. It's not rocket science, it's just a schedule that's easy for everyone to follow. What's not easy is the homework. No, I am clearly NOT smarter than a 5th Grader! I had trouble with some First Grade stuff last year. I can pretty much hold my own with everything about the kids going back to school. But that homework stuff is a nightmare. I am forever telling my kids, "I did my share of homework. Now it's your turn!"...partly because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Thankfully they don't ask for help often. And thankfully I can look up stuff on the Internet!
Well I can see I'm running out of my mommy time. My oldest will be home in a few hours. Damn that went fast! But peace has settled in the house, power cleaning will start tomorrow, and for now my blood pressure has restored itself. There's nothing a good Margarita can't fix!
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