Spanx

When it rains, it pours. I don't know who coined that phrase, but it always seems to hit right on the money. I had a horrible weekend with my kiddos. I've decided that they are the most selfish, ungrateful, rude, self centered people I know. The depressing part is that I feel like it's all my fault. The reality is that a good majority of it stems from their father. I run a tight ship. I can make Mommy Dearest look like a saint some days.

After I went on strike yesterday and refused to help them or cook for them, AND reminded them countless times that they treat me like dirt, a few of them finally apologized. I still want to choke them this morning. But for the moment, and for my own sanity, I feel the need to be funny. Not all weepy. After all, laughter is the best medicine. And, if I don't start laughing, I may actually spend the day crying again.

So here's the skinny. I am a relatively small person. However, if there is one thing I can't stand, it's my belly. Thank you again ungrateful children. I just hate the way it looks when I want to wear something fitting. Hence the miracle cure, Spanx. Or so I thought. I have actually spent a fair amount of money on these get-ups. All with the hope that it will sausage my belly into looking like a movie star.

The first one I bought rides up my bum. I figured that it wasn't supposed to do that, and I bought another one with tighter tummy control. The second one with straps, squishes my boobs so far together that I look like a porn star. Thus prompting me to purchase a third. The final one, a super tummy control, flattens both my boobs and sometimes my tummy so that I now look like my 11 year old daughter. Notice the word sometimes??? Yes, I finally figured out that Spanx are great, provided you purchase the right one. The problem is this. Spanx do not allow you the freedom to eat and drink as much as you can and still hold your belly in. Clearly there was no mention of that in the ad. Otherwise, I would have saved myself hundreds of dollars and just ordered a salad and a water. Not an appetizer, burger, fries, and beer.

The concept of Spanx is great. And granted when you finish squeezing yourself in and stop sweating, they do actually make your outfit look great! However, I'm not a movie star. I don't starve myself before I attempt to get into one. I don't order a salad, or not eat at all, before, during and after wearing one. I wrestle myself into it, eat and drink all kinds of bad stuff, then wrestle myself out of it. It's truly a process! And now that it is WAY tighter than when I stuffed myself in, I HAVE to have help getting out. Kind of takes the sexiness out of the moment. I'm sweaty and exhausted and I haven't even had any fun.

This is what women endure to look good for their men. Years ago it was a corset. Now it's Spanx. I keep asking my man, "How come we don't stop running? Let's just be fat and happy. Let's become part of the majority, not the minority and eat and drink all we can!" Granted this statement ALWAYS comes in the middle of a long run, followed by nachos and beer at our favorite restaurant. We run, so we CAN eat and drink like we want. With the occasional over indulgence thrown in. But who's pointing fingers? Not me! I guess my point is this. There is no miracle cure for the Buddha belly. Either embrace it's existence, or stuff it in and pray it doesn't spring lose! Now where did I hide that chocolate?????