The Holidays

Here we go again. The holidays. I can't quite figure out why they make me soooo incredibly grouchy. Oh wait, yes I can. Because I run around like a mad woman cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, organizing, and everything else in between. Which equates to a run down, less time for running (to work off excess food and alcohol), sleep deprived, bad mood, sick mom. And for WHAT I ask you?

Why can't I be a kid again? Why can't I get sooooo excited to see all the decorations, hear Christmas music, relax, and actually enjoy the moment? My kids are out of control with excitement right now. They couldn't contain themselves if I duct taped them to a pole. So much so, that I have literally in two days become the biggest, worst, meanest mommy dearest in all the land. I have Mother of the Year locked tight this year! I mean it's so bad that I actually feel bad and am beyond embarrassed. I was yelling at them so harshly last night that my throat hurts today and I'm pretty sure I heard one of them say that they thought I should be committed. UGH!

I don't know where it all went wrong. All the pressure to buy the perfect gifts, make the perfect food, look perfect, put a smile on my face, be nice to people I clearly don't want to, and so on. I heard someone on a TV show say, "fake it til ya can make it." I've got to make it my motto right now or there may be a few less children for Santa to deliver presents to, and a crazy wacko mommy banging her head in a warm padded room soon!

I've got to snap out of this and learn to enjoy the holidays for what they are. Time with my family that I don't ordinarily get. It's truly that simple. I am blessed with children who make me insanely crazy, yet teach me something new about myself every day. I am blessed with healthy parents who would drop everything to be by my side no matter what I do or say. I am blessed with friends who aren't afraid to tell me like it is, then turn around and make me pee from laughter. I am blessed with a partner who gave me hope in happily ever after again. He makes me smile and laugh and loves me for me. I am blessed with a roof over my head, food on the table, and some change in my pocket. And as much as I loath my ex for every rotten undermining comment, on top of his continal lack of respect toward me, I am thankful that I was able to get five great kids from him and that he continues to provide for them.


To me it's always the little things that matter most. I hope I can teach my kids that they don't always have to have the biggest and best of everything, and that hard work and determination ALWAYS pay off. It's so frustrating to me at the holidays when they think they are owed ALL the toys on their wish list. That somehow Santa has plenty of money and room for ALL that they want. We all want to give our kids the moon. But the reality is, they are lucky to get what they do. Oooooo here comes mean mommy again. Sneaks back in when I least expect it. But maybe that's the connection. Maybe I get so upset because I'd like to give them all that they want, and can't. However, the flip side is that they don't really need it all. And even if they had it all, it doesn't mean it would make them any happier or any more fulfilled. Makes sense to me! Now let me go explain that the a pre-teen, a have-to-have-everything son, an I'll-take-whatever-you-give-me son, and two six year olds who are happy playing with a one armed no hair Barbie. Life is good. And always unpredictable. Hand me my chocolate and a martini and all will be right with the world again....in February!

Bed Hogs....

No one ever tells you about all the BAD stuff that comes with being a mom. And I've come to the conclusion that maybe there's a perfectly simple explanation for that. Human existence would cease to exist.

Deep down we ALL love sloppy kisses, bone crushing hugs, over glued and glittered projects, goofy toothless smiles, boundless giggles, new discoveries, and so on. They all seem to melt away our frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, and fatigue. We want the best for our kids and above all, we want them to be healthy and happy for many many years. I wish we could wrap them in bubble wrap and protect them from hurt, harm, judgement, disease, disappointment, and disability. I wish we could stop worrying about insane people who could snatch them, take away their innocence, kill them, and try to cover it up. I wish mothers who kill their own children would take their own miserable lives instead. I wish our worst fears and nightmares never came to life.

I like to live in my own bubble where I believe nothing bad ever happens to anyone. Especially children. I never wanted children when I was younger. I couldn't understand all that neediness that goes along with them. And I couldn't understand why anyone would want to purposefully set themselves up for a life time of worrying. I changed my mind dramatically one early fall morning when I witnessed the birth of a good friends son. It was so moving. He was small and perfect and priceless. And I wanted one. Five children later I conquered the neediness fear. I still have not, nor will I EVER, let go of the constant worrying. Some days it eats me up, other days I have to believe and trust that I'm making the best decisions for them. Some days I'm good, other days not so much. But at the end of the day, when they are fast asleep, I am eternally thankful that they are all a part of my life, and that they are all healthy and alive.

I have a king size bed that I share with the dumb dog. I have been sleeping on the edge of it now for ten plus years. If it's not the dog sprawled out, it's my kids. Bad dreams, bad weather, sickly, needy, you name it. I've heard it all. I absolutely love my sleep. I am NOT a morning person. It drives me insane when they all pile in and start horsing around. But I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING in the world. Nothing at all. It is a constant reminder that even when they think they hate me, and that I'm the worst mother ever, deep down they love me with all their hearts. These are the stories we share with other moms so that there will be more children. This is why being a mom is priceless. This is why it is so incredibly devastating to hear that someone harms a child.

My wish for Christmas is that all missing children are finally accounted for, sick horrible people who prey on children are removed from this earth, and that love and laugher rein supreme for every child on Christmas morn. It seems like a huge undertaking for Santa. It seems like a huge undertaking for God. In reality, it's our own responsibility. And one we should never ever take lightly. EVER!

Persistence

I am absolutely one of those people who if you tell them they can't do something, I am hell bent on doing it and then some. I don't think I have ever told one of my friends that they can't or shouldn't do something. I may not agree with their decision, but I respect the fact that it is theirs, and let it go. The same does not always hold true for how they treat me.

Mind you I had an absolute blast with my two best friends this past weekend. That is until I overheard them whispering about me. Still makes me shake my head. I believe in best friends telling it like it is. No, sometimes things aren't easy to hear. But sometimes they are just plain hurtful. You can tell a friend to their face that you're supportive and non-judgemental. But the words that come out aren't always just that.

It seems as though we are so quick to judge others when something they are doing is not how we would do it ourselves. We are our own worst critics in life as it is. Having your friends beat you down on top of that just tends to wreck you. However in my case, it adds fuel to the fire.

I am not afraid to try and fail. I think that there is something to be learned each time you do. I think I am realistic and put 100% thought behind everything I do. I believe in myself and the life I am creating for my kids. I'm a good mom, good daughter, good girlfriend, and good friend. I treat people with kindness, even when I don't want to. I don't judge anyone. I believe that people make mistakes, and can make new choices that can correct the problem. I also believe that people make new choices that don't. I live my life constantly moving forward and reaching for the best. In both myself and the expectations I hold for those around me.

I don't fault my friends. But I also don't agree with their opinions. I also don't believe they can make an opinion without walking a day in my shoes. Their negativity and lack of support for the decisions I make only pushes me to strive harder and be better at ALL that I do. Or choose to do. I believe that persistence and patience pay out in the end. And that everything truly does happen for a reason. I believe that I will succeed, I will persevere, and I will reach the goals I have set for myself. I just need to remember that everything takes time. Smart decisions aren't rushed decisions.

Parent Teacher Conferences

I'm not sure who Parent Teacher Conferences evoke more anxiety to, kids or parents. I'm also going to throw my mother in there as well. She was a total basket case by the time I got home and again this morning on the phone. I think it's honestly a toss up. My kids absolutely wanted to go and absolutely wanted to tell me EVERYTHING before I went. I felt like I should be shining a light in their face and screaming, "TELL ME EVERYTHING, OR THE DOG GETS IT!" Only of course to be met with, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

If there is one thing I don't like, it's surprises. I don't like them for my birthday, Christmas, parent teacher conferences, nothing. Nothing ever good comes from them. My friend surprised me by flying in from Arizona to surprise my other friend for her graduation party. I was hungover for two days. See what I'm saying? Initially they have potential. But in the end, disaster strikes.

I am always pleasantly reminded of what a great son I have. He's so kind and thoughtful. Always participates, etc. My initial reaction is ALWAYS, "are you sure you're talking about my son? It's B-R-E-N-D-A-N not Brandon or his other friend Brendon." To which I immediately rush home and say to said child, "why can you be kind at school and yet treat me like garbage and hate me so at home?" I've renamed my son Sybil every year following conferences. One day, I'm going to have it permanently changed.

My twin girls? A whole different ball game. I was NOT prepared for the information I received. My prior post is truly going to come in handy for them at the rate they are going. It's so frustrating to find out your child is struggling. Last year one of the girls was having a hard time and the other was excelling. This year they have flip flopped roles. My very confident, boisterous, I don't give a sh#t what anyone thinks daughter is now the self doubting I can't do it queen. And on things she clearly knows! I don't understand it. When I came home and asked her I was met with HUGE tears and a "I don't want to be wrong." Wow! I had no idea that at such a young age children can act like an adult and be their own worst critic. Honestly, how do you explain to a six year old that it's OK to make mistakes and that sometimes we have to put ourselves out there, and sometimes fail, in order to learn? No matter how many ways you say it, to them it sounds like "she just told me to do it wrong and it won't matter." The translation is lost no matter how it comes out.

Now the guilt has set in. I'm a single mom trying to help five kids with homework that even I struggle to understand. I can't spend the kind of time and patience I'd like with each one of my kids. Granted that's two fold. The upside is that it teaches them independence and confidence. The downside is that if they are struggling, my time and knowledge is limited for helping them. Makes me question how anyone can home school, AND home school more than one child! My kids each struggle in different areas. They don't get all A's, but they also don't get bad grades either. They are smart, funny and I hope happy. And at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me. Rather than beat myself up over what I can't do, it's time I set a good example and show them all what I can. I may not be perfect, and I may make mistakes, but at least I'm trying.

No Shame

Times are tough. We've all felt the pinch. Higher gas prices, higher food prices, higher taxes, lay offs, blah, blah, blah. It's all depressing and seemingly never ending. However, there always seems to be one industry that withstands EVERY economic downturn, pitfall, debacle, you name it. Porn! The adult industry is ALWAYS booming. And let's face it, there's a little bit of porn envy in all of us. You absolutely cannot say you don't watch it. BECAUSE IT'S EVERYWHERE! And they make A LOT of money!!!!

Yes you heard me, it's everywhere. Soap opera's are soft porn. TV drama after 9pm is soft porn with a real plot. MTV reality shows? Porn, Porn, Porn...with no plot what so ever! You cannot turn on the TV and not watch it. In fact, I bet if you really let your imagination wander, there may actually be an underlying porn reference in most Disney movies. All I'm saying, right or wrong, is that it's out there.

Now, how many times have you heard of a stripper becoming Mayor? or a porn star becoming a lawyer? or some crazy thing like that. Seems like more often than we care to admit. So here's where I'm going with this. Brace yourselves. My twin daughters love to pole dance. They're six. For some reason the support poles in my basement have turned into some of the best pole dancing shows I've seen. I can say that because I actually watched a pole dancing competition on a TV in an upscale restaurant once. My girls made some of these women look like armatures.

My girls have it going on! I foresee bright futures for them...12 years from now! I tell them, "girls, there is no shame in how you make your money. Do what makes you happy!" It's not the pole dancing that concerns me. It's the fact that they hand make invitations for people to come watch them! When they start charging admission I'll know for sure they are both prodigy children sent from the heavens above. Savvy business woman who know how to make a buck so VERY early in life. And there was NO pun intended there people. They're six for crying out loud. Besides, I don't have any money to give them anyway!

I look at it two ways, if it pans out for them, we'll all be rich. Me because they will forever thank me for telling them to follow their dream and them because they're really talented. Or, I will have an absolute gut wrenching, tears streaming down my face laugh when I remind them at their weddings, and again in front of their own children, what great pole dancers they were when they were young! Priceless either way.

Music

I love music. I can listen to anything. Literally. Some days I like a little Tchaikovsky and others a little Eminem. I'm open to anything. I'd like to think that I have an ear for it as well. For example, I can hear a song one time, and know if it will be a hit or not. My kids are the same way. For the moment however, they all have different taste. That's ok. The only time it's not ok is when they all have their radios blasting something different. Makes me a tad crazy then.

I try to be the good mom and edit out songs that aren't appropriate. But, there was a time, when they had no idea what a swear word was, that I let them listen to anything. Now of course they have a very tainted vocabulary. The question becomes, how much do you shelter them? They already hear the words daily on the bus, slip from my mouth, correctly use them in a sentence, etc. Is music an art where expression of foul language is ok? I can't really answer that. Not when I'm prone to swearing like a trucker when I'm mad. Swearing is an art, right???

I was watching Ellen this week and she had on two of the most adorable girls that did a rendition of Nicki Minaj's Super Bass song. It was by far the most hysterical thing I've seen. So sweet and so talented. They sang the edited version of the song. Yet there were some viewers who felt that it was inappropriate for these two young girls to be singing it. My first thought was, "thank goodness they don't ride in my car!" Kid Rock is a staple at our house! But it got me thinking, what is on my kids iPods??? EVERYTHING!!! They have been listening to everything from Disney tunes to Katy Perry for years! And you know what? My kids don't swear because of the songs they hear. They swear because they know they aren't supposed to!

As adults we tell them that it's not ok. Yet in the next breath we call someone an a$$hole because they cut us off in traffic. I'm not condoning swearing. I'm just saying that we can't put the blame on an entire art form when we are guilty of saying stuff daily, or even occasionally, ourselves. My kids know that they've heard a "bad word", yet they just don't go spouting them off. Yes they come out every now and then. But again, punishing them for something we do just doesn't make sense. My job as a parent is to remind them that it's not appropriate and if I EVER hear them say foul words outside our home, they better run for the hills.

No they don't need Cee Lo Green's F#ck You, but I can let them listen to his Forget You. I don't think an occasional sh$t or a$$ is going to wreck my kids. Watching them dance around, singing at the top of their lungs, without a care in the world, is worth every bad word they hear or say. The words don't define them, the fact that they could give two sh*ts about looking and sounding like wounded animals is priceless. Music allows us to escape. I hope that my kids ALWAYS find comfort and fun in it. No matter what the lyrics say.

Starving

Why are we always "starving"? I mean honestly, we aren't REALLY starving. And trust me, if you're reading this, you aren't. Oh, unless you have an eating disorder. My apologies! But take my kids for example. First thing in the door, "MOMMMMMMMM!!!!!! I'm starving!!!!!!" My dad always says to them, "ya ate yesterday didn't ya?" Blank stares are the response to that. It's like they feel they reserve the right to eat me out of house and home. I may actually go bankrupt trying to feed these animals!

I bring all this up because I'm hungry and can't find anything to eat in the house. Mind you there is a ton of food. I just don't feel like cooking it and I really can't figure out what I have a taste for. Rather than just eating a bunch of junk, I'm going to sit here and ponder a bunch of crazy irrational thoughts.

There are starving people in the world. And it's truly heart breaking knowing that a lot of them are children. Knowing daily that some poor child is starving to death really makes me sick. We take sooooo much for granted when we have a roof over our heads and food on the table. I try to explain this to my kids whenever they complain that they don't like something I cooked. Which promptly falls on deaf ears and entices more complaining.

Last weekend I was at a Canadian Costco. It was their Thanksgiving weekend. There was an enormous table FULL of HUGE pumpkin pies. People were buying these things like it was their last meal. And at $5.99 a pie, who wouldn't? I wouldn't, because I don't like pumpkin pie. But the point is, there was an entire warehouse FULL of food and I did my best, as usual, to buy ALL of it. At least it seems that way EVERY TIME I go in there.

You can actually have lunch at Costco just from all the sampling. Why not put a Costco in Ethiopia and let those folks "sample" the food??? Genius right? Or how about all the fields and orchards where food can't be sold because it's considered damaged when it falls on the ground? All the food I throw out because I don't cook it before it goes out of code. The list of wastefulness goes on and on and on. Maddening actually. Down right disturbing really.

I love food. There isn't much I don't like. However, I don't understand people with eating disorders, I don't understand why there are starving people in the world, and I definitely don't understand obesity. And why is it that almost every disorder in the world involves food??? People eat when they are depressed, don't eat when they are depressed, eat when they party, eat A LOT when they partied too much, eat until they feel sick, don't eat at all, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat... It's almost as if food defines us as human beings. Some days it defines me as a giant chocolate bar, other days it defines me as a short order cook. I am constantly at a grocery store and constantly planning the next meal.

Some day when I go on strike, my kids may actually learn what it's like to starve. But for now, I've got to get off the computer and find something appealing for them to inhale so we can quickly race out the door to yet another after school activity involving rigorous exercise. And we all know that activity starts the eating cycle ALL over and ensues the infamous, "MOMMMMMMMMM!!!!! I'm starving!!!!!!"....vicious, vicious cycle.