Typical Mom Cave In

I have always prided myself on being very strong willed. And technically I am. When I want something there is absolutely NO stopping me. In fact as much as it drives me nuts, my children's constant badgering when they want something, is an obvious genetic trait. I really can't fault them.

I held out three months. I thought for sure I'd make it longer. Apparently everyone else knew and was surprised I had made it that long. Saturday afternoon I welcomed a two year old Redbone Coonhound into our lives. There was only a few people who knew she was coming. We met her floppy eared, droopy faced, paranoid of adults self on Wednesday. To make a long story short, her current owner couldn't keep her due to subdivision laws, the owner before that couldn't keep her because they were moving to a condo that didn't allow animals, and since I'm a total sap for all of that, I went home and did some research on that breed. Not a single thing that I read Wednesday night turned me away. EVERYTHING was positive about this type of dog. Including the ultimate: excellent with children.

I called the vet Thursday morning and asked their opinion. Again, nothing but praise for the breed. By Thursday afternoon I had called the lady and made arrangements to pick her up Saturday afternoon. She wasn't here five minutes and moved right in. Her and the cat got along, she hasn't barked once, she went for a six mile run with me and never even broke a sweat, and most importantly, I completely surprised my kids Sunday when they came home from their dads. It was instant love.

I hope over time her nerves will calm and she'll trust us to know that she's here for the long haul. This is her last home and hopefully the best. Welcome home Daisy!!

Multiple Children

Believe it or not, there was a time when I NEVER wanted kids. They made me nervous and irritated. I worked in a toy store when I was sixteen. Need I say more? It wasn't until I was 27 that I changed my mind. Four years later, I had my first. Then they kept coming.

I never do anything small. I always push the envelope and go big. Why not? You are supposed to get the most out of life, and I fully intend to do that.

This weekend was my weekend with the kids. When they left for school Friday I was SO mad at all of them. I told myself I was never going to do anything fun or nice for them again. I'm a sucker, pure and simple. And, I love my kids. I chalk it off to my usual morning tyrants. By the afternoon, I've calmed down, and think, "wow, I really overreacted this morning." So what to do to fix it? I decided I'd make pizza and we'd have a picnic on the floor. When they got home, they thought I was the coolest mom ever. Problem solved.

By Saturday, everyone hated me again, and couldn't wait to get away from me. Three of them decided to go to friends and spend the night. I was left with my two little ones. Being as it was the night before their birthday, I was kind of feeling nostalgic. It was nice just the three of us. Kind of like the night before they were born. Minus the panicked ex-husband, hysterical mother, and ten different nurses monitoring me every half hour.

When I taught my moms exercise classes, all the moms used to say, "I don't know how you do it! I can't even handle one!" My response was always the same, "One is VERY hard! You are the sole entertainment source. With multiple kids they entertain one another." I have to be honest, going from five down to two was like heaven! They listened, I didn't have to yell, and I once again believed there was a God!

Of course you realize it all came to a screeching halt the minute they all came home, the ex and his mother came for the birthday celebration, and the chaos of present opening and cake induced sugar highs prevailed. I no longer need to wonder why I'm crazy. I just know.

Memory

I have the worst memory ever. In fact it has never been good. I would study for tests for hours, days, and still do horrible. By the next day I couldn't even begin to tell you what I just wasted all that time on. My girlfriends used to say, "remember when we went to that party and we saw..." Nope, not a clue. My next question is always, "did I have a good time?". Ugh! I'm just hopeless.

My uncle had a photographic memory! Obviously that gene got lost somewhere. Because I honestly don't think I'd remember my name if I didn't hear it occasionally. Most days it's "MOM!!!!!!!!". That I just downright ignore.

Regardless, twice I came up with an idea for something to write today. And twice I forgot it. The second time I told myself to write it down. I forgot to do that too. I'm a mess. I've read that people with my disease, CRS (can't remember sh#t), should do puzzles, read, learn a new language, stuff that stimulates your brain. Exercise it if you will. I guess those books didn't know that I have five kids, a house to run, clothes to wash and fold, bills to pay, driveway to clear, and food to cook. The only brain stimulating I do, is when I sit down on Thursday nights and watch Jersey Shore. No wonder I can't remember anything! That mindless TV kills several brain cells.

And for the record, I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to come up with something else to write. It's not coming to me. I had a thought but it's gone. As my grandpa used to say, "give me a minute. It'll come back around." Nope, not this time. But I will say this to prove my point. I just went back to look at some of my other posts. I've written about my lack of memory twice! This is now the third time. Clearly I can't remember sh*t! Where's my coffee??? Oh, it's going to be a long day.

Animals

Most people that know me know that I used to be an animal lover. Notice the words used to be. I was always the first to bring home strays, find homes for lost dogs, volunteer for the Humane Society, adopt the sad faced take me home dog, house sit for pets, and so on. However, those days have long since passed. Now they are like grandchildren to me, I'm glad they are someone else's responsibility.

Many years ago I volunteered at a cat show. To say those people are crazy is an understatement. It was not at all what I expected it to be. As I was sitting there minding my own business, because you are not allowed to touch or talk to anyone, especially the cats, a woman approached me and asked if she could give me a free book. I love to read and will always accept a free book. Well, we all know NOTHING is free. For the next hour I had to hear ALL about the inhumane treatment of animals all over the world. I of course representing the Humane Society, and being young and naive, had no idea what she was talking about. By the time I read the book and put two and two together, I realized she was representing PETA.

Don't get me wrong. I would love for those that abuse animals to have done to them what they have inflicted on poor innocent creatures. I have no tolerance for abuse. However, as most of you also know, I am NOT a morning person. I have decided I have no problem learning to operate a 22 with night vision scope to take out the neighbors dog who barks CONTINUALLY day and night; particularly at 6am. I'm sorry, but I have owned animals my whole life. I don't care who you are, allowing your animal to disrupt an entire neighborhood at ridiculous hours is unacceptable. The sad part is that I really don't think the owners would mind if I did. I know my neighbors would be thrilled.

This poor dog, an ankle bitter no less, is let out and left out at ridiculous times. She would bark at the air if she thought it was moving. The owners don't want her inside because she barks in there too. Call me crazy, but here's an idea- obedience school or a bark collar. Both are available! You wanted the animal, it's a part of your family, take the time to care for it. Seems simple to me. I'm just done with this poor neglected dog. In my youth, I would have just walked over and offered to take the thing. Now I'm about to walk over and take it out.

I've had my coffee, my anger has subsided, and being the nice person that I am, will just call animal control at 6am tomorrow. Someone needs to stick up for the neighborhood, and the dog. I'm just tired of listening to both bark!

My Daughter, The Slob

Capricorns are supposed to be efficient, responsible, goal-oriented, steadfast, and ORGANIZED. My ten year old daughter is a Capricorn, she is none of these. I keep hoping they will come in time. But in her case, it is not looking good.

I love this kid more than anything and will even go as far as to say she's my favorite (so I tell them ALL that, big deal). But she has got to be the biggest slob I know. She always has been. When she first started eating, and because she was my first, all the books said to let her use her hands, explore the food, touch, taste, sample, understand it. Are you kidding me?? I did not make this mistake with the other four. To this day, you can find Grace ANYWHERE! There is ALWAYS a pile of food where she made a sandwich, ate the sandwich, left the sandwich, wandered with the sandwich, and so on. This theory applies not only to food with her, but everything she owns or touches. If she gets a glass of milk, there is milk all down the front of the cupboard, the cap on another counter, milk jug on the table, and the glass who knows where. She unknowingly creates a scavenger hunt for me to find things before they rot. And believe me, that has happened.

It's not just the food issue that sets me off, but it's homework, clothes, shoes, hats, mittens, coats, toys, game pieces, literally everything she puts her hands on. It would be different if she had her own whacked out filing system for these things, but she doesn't. She has no clue where anything is or will blame one of the others for touching it. It's a vicious cycle with her.

I am always the first to say what goes around comes around. My mother right now is having a field day with this saying. "Julie, you used to be so bad I had to shut your door. I just couldn't stand the mess." I, being a Capricorn myself, find this very difficult to believe! Preposterous really. Granted, I used to hate to make my bed, but everything else in my room was right where it was supposed to be. I didn't leave stuff out, I didn't leave food to rot, I didn't leave a survival trail of crumbs, I didn't lose my homework or clothes or toys, I put my stuff away. I question my mothers recollection of many things. To her I'm sure an unmade bed made for a disastrous room. But to say I was a slob just doesn't make ANY sense.

To this day, I live by the words, "Everything has a place, everything in it's place". I have to with five kids. When people come in my house they wonder if I really have kids. It's clean, things are put away, beds are made, etc. I have absolutely no qualms about throwing ANYTHING out. My neighbor once looked at my pile of trash and asked, "do you have anything left in your house?" Not much. Clutter makes me crazy. My daughter makes me crazy. I can only hold out hope that one day she will out grow this and become a true Goat like the rest of us.

Library Day

My kids love to go to the library. I dread every minute of it. For several reasons. First and foremost, the old women who work at our local library are by far the meanest, rudest, most unhelpful women alive. And second, they LOVE to tell me how lacking my parenting skills are. Why I continue to agree to go to that library is beyond a doubt an absolute mystery to me. Glutton for punishment I suppose.

This morning at 6:15am my phone beeps. Email. My first thought is, "honestly, what is so frickin important that I need to be emailed at this time?" With one eye open I peer at the culprit who has violated my sleep. It's the library warning me to return a book on tape that was due in December. And when I say warning, I mean warning. It states they will continue to fine me if I don't promptly return the item. Not only am I furious that I'm awake, but I am beyond hysterical with rage at this library notice. I returned that book, along with several others, EARLY because I was going out of town. In fact, I am acutely aware of this particular book, because my boys loved it SO much they were very upset I had to return it.

Oh the dilemma. It's 6:15am and there is nothing I can do to rectify this situation. I am just stewing thinking of all the evil words that are going to come out of my mouth when I get there. By 8:30am I am so worked up that I have to go for a run. By the time I shower, take my girls to lunch, and get there, I am ready to tell those old bags to get a search warrant if they don't believe I returned the book. I mean honestly, how else would you prove you returned something? It's your word against their computers.

As calmly as I can, and noticing immediately two younger women working the front desk, I walk up and explain my email, the date I returned several items, and the names of those items. After the gal explains to me that sometimes things don't get logged back in, she walks over to the shelf and low and behold finds the item I returned. "I'm glad that was easy. We'll just clear your record", she says. Clear my record??? Like I'm some kind of criminal! Now I'm even more mad! First I'm rudely awakened with threatening email, then waste my time driving to the library, and then insulted. Knowing full well my children will trick me into going there again, I say thank you and leave. I hate the library. Yet one more reason for me to shop online!

Chore Chart

I've come to the conclusion that completely losing it with my kids is a total waste of time. It's like the old Peanuts TV show, "wa wa, wa wa wa wa". They tune everything right out! But give them a reward and they're all ears.

I'm not that naive to just hand out rewards. There has to be something in it for me. Let's face it, it is all about me. What kids??? Who are these little people that keep calling me mom??

The chore chart cometh. I'm tired of doing things that they should clearly be responsible for. I don't look at it as slave labor, though Social Services may think otherwise. I look at it as life skills learned at an early age. There is absolutely no reason a five year old can't change sheets or put clean clothes away. The central vac is easy enough to operate that cereal crumbs should be a thing of the past. And who doesn't think those Swiffer dusters aren't a blast to use? I'm not asking them to clean the toilets, though the thought has crossed my mind for the boys!! URGH! But there comes a point where a mom just gets tired of asking over and over and over again for the simplest of tasks to be completed.

I was smart this time. I made this a family effort with a family reward system. No individual gets rewarded for completing their chores. EVERYONE has to complete EVERYTHING for the day or no star. If there are enough stars at the end of the month, we'll do something fun as a family. This month they chose skiing. We'll see how they fair. If I have to remind any one of them more than three times to complete their chore for the day, there is no star for anyone. It gives me such an absolute sense of empowerment to say, "this is the second time I've asked. If I have to ask again there won't be a star for anyone today." And you can only guess how irritated the others who have done their chores are at the sound of that warning! Ahhh to be queen. It's a rough job being the ruler of the family. But with the right strategy, it's possible to achieve greatness. Without yelling I might add!

Again, you just don't mess with mama bear! I don't mind protecting my young, but I also see nothing wrong with eating one of them either.

Reality TV

I don't watch TV often. In fact, I have so many shows Tivo'd I will never watch, that I should turn the machine in and save myself some money each month. I like to live in my bubble where nothing bad happens to anyone. Every time I get the urge to turn it on, there is ALWAYS some tragedy being reported. Does ANYTHING good ever happen in the world???

Then there is reality TV. I will admit to watching Jersey Shore. The first time I tuned in, was a year ago and I swore I'd never watch it again. I mean really? Who talks, looks and acts like that?? My mouth hangs open and I shake my head every time I see it. But, it's like a train wreck. You just can't look away.

I heard that these kids make $30k an episode. Seriously?! All that for being young, dumb and apparently full of come! It's truly amazing to me! I once went through customs with my five kids. The border guy says, "WOW, you've got a lot of kids! Have you ever seen John and Kate plus 8?" If it hadn't been for my fear of jail I would have flipped him off. Instead I politely said, "Yes, I live their life. I'm only three short and don't have my own reality show."

One of these days I am going to have my own reality show. It'll be called Old, Wise and Full of Vodka. I mean who wouldn't want to watch me start my day with a Bailey's and coffee, yell at my kids to constantly hurry up, cook endless tasteless meals for them, and end the day with a "big people" drink??? Fun right??? Clearly worth $30k an episode! Oh, and that's not hair gel in my hair, that's grease from being too busy to shower. Reality at it's finest folks!

Reading

I love reading. I actually forgot how much I did when my children came along and there was absolutely no time to do it. Now that I'm single, the kids are older, and there is virtually NOTHING on TV, I have rediscovered books. And books I never thought I'd like or even possibly think I'd finish.

I'm not sure what it is that draws me to certain stories. The fact that someone has it worse than me, the humor, the suspense, the feeling of getting lost in a story, or the sense of accomplishment that I actually finished a book. Some days it's all of that and more.

One of my alter egos has always been a bit of a techno nerd. I love gadgets. I recently purchased a Kindle. Let me just say this, how come I didn't buy one of these years ago???? By far one of the best gifts I've bought myself. Not to mention the savings on the price of books! The machine itself was reasonably priced (they suck you in with all the fun extras you THINK you need to go with it) and the price of books is ridiculously cheap. No wonder book stores are going under! Why would I drive to the store, look for parking, have some salesperson trick me into a card that earns me points every time I buy from them, AND pay $30 for a book when I can pay 99 cents for one WITHOUT leaving my home??? Ludicrous! Yesterday on my couch, I bought four books for no more than $4. And New York Times Best Sellers at that. Honestly, I'm shaking my head.

However, there is one teensy weensy draw back. Actually a rather LARGE issue. My children. I have given the death by toenail hanging speech to all of them for even looking at it from afar. My only child days return in such subtle ways that I myself am shocked by their appearance. But this is one toy I am NOT sharing no matter what. NO... MATTER... WHAT!!! The spoiled brat princess has spoken, and I have no qualms about it. Happy reading to me!!!

Birthday

UGH!!! I'll make this short and sweet. My father has told me for years that getting old is NOT for the weak. Honestly, where does the time go? It's my birthday, AGAIN, next week. And for the 19th year in a row, I am choosing to ignore, avoid, deny, and trash it's existence.

On the other end, my children keep relentlessly reminding me and I pretend like I don't hear them...similar to most things that they say. I think the thing that bothers me the most about my birthday is that it's another reminder of time gone by. My kids are one year older, all the should have, could haves crop up from the past year, and let's face it, some new ailment is looming! I swear the older I get, the more my body hates me. And for the most part, I'm really good to it! I suppose it's just another of life's little mysteries.

So, for the 19th year in a row, I am 22. Legal enough to drink, old enough to vote, and young enough to deny ANY responsibility for myself. My alter ego, the soon to be 41 year old, has to get off the computer, snow blow the driveway, do three loads of laundry, vacuum the house, and go buy birthday presents for the rest of the January birthday people in her life. Ahhhhh to be 22. You're only as old as you feel, right???

I See Dead People

I have never discounted paranormal activity. Nor have I any reason to believe that some people do possess a seventh sense that allows them to understand things about death or life changing moments. In fact, sometimes I feel like one of these people. I have had dreams about planes crashing and ALWAYS within three days a plane will go down somewhere in the world. It's the strangest thing!!!! I have always chalked it off to my fear of flying. But who knows, right??

My daughter had her tenth birthday party last month. She had a great time. I however am still recovering from five screaming girls up til 6am. It's quite possible this was the last party EVER for ANY of my children. As with any party, there is usually a moment that sticks out and stays with you for a lifetime.

With the party in full swing, one of my daughters friends comes to me and says that one of the girls is upstairs sobbing and won't come out. I go up thinking that this poor girl has somehow gotten hurt and I've got to call her mother and break the news. Boy was I mistaken! Here she is balled up on my daughters bed sobbing uncontrollably. "Honey what's wrong? Are you hurt?" She looks me straight in the eyes and says, "No. My cousin who died is sitting in that chair over there saying spooky things to me." I look around as if I'm on Punked and stand there speechless. Honestly! How do you respond to something like that??? Knowing I have to choose my words carefully with an inconsolable child I say, "Well, maybe she's here to keep you company?" I'm at a loss at this point. She then goes on to tell me, mind you FREAKING out the other girls that now believe there is a ghost in my house, that her cousin died of a blood disease and that she only visits when this little girl is at homes she doesn't know. At this point I'm trying to decide if this girl is crazy, a liar, can really see dead people, or an amazing actress. My only response is "Let's go have cake. It'll make everyone feel better!" UGH!!!!

I have dubbed this poor little girl "I See Dead People" and to this day cannot possibly imagine what other friends or situations I will have to incur at future parties. I'm still shaking my head! Some days I laugh, other days I wonder. Again, you just never know.

Stay At Home Mom

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for the rant I'm about to unleash. But I have truly had about all I can take with people criticizing and looking down on moms that choose to stay home with their children.

I have the utmost respect for women who go to work and raise a family. I find the time constraints put on these women daunting and unimaginably taxing both physically and mentally. That being said, I find it sickening that there is a total lack of respect for those that stay home. I have been without a "real" job for almost 12 years. However, my other job kicked into full force 10 years ago when I had my first child. At that point I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home. Four babies later (of which I will freely admit to having a sitter help me out over the years), a divorce, and an ex husband with severe depression who almost died, tends to put a bit of a crimp on going out job hunting. Not to mention that I would NEVER expect an employer to tolerate my having to come and go at any given time. With all five of my kids at school now, life has not gotten any easier. I find I'm actually more busy now than ever before.

I am NOT a person who makes excuses or complains. I am extremely organized and I get the job done. Whatever it is. I cannot compare my life to moms that leave their homes and families to bring home a paycheck. That would be absurd. But the same holds true for the reverse. A working mother should in no way compare her day to mine, as if my time were any less important or ill spent. I do more in one day than most can even imagine. I have learned a valuable lesson being a mother. Every mother, working outside the home or not, needs to take time for themselves. Every therapist, every self help book, every true friend will urge moms to do this. I learned that the hard way. I yelled at my kids and let it effect my marriage for years when I didn't. I found an outlet five years ago and I stick to it the best I can. To criticize me or look down on me for taking an hour or two out of my day to regroup so that I can be a better mother, friend, daughter or girlfriend turns my stomach.

Don't judge until you have walked a mile in someone elses shoes. Life is NOT easy for anyone. Everyone has some challenge they are trying to overcome. But to think that anyone's time is less valuable because it isn't the way you would use it makes you ignorant and less compassionate as a human being toward others.

My horoscope said that this is the year to be less critical and more forgiving- not just with others but also with yourself. I will not apologize for the life I have chosen, nor do I have any regrets. I do the best I can for myself and my family and at the end of the day have no problem looking myself in the mirror. It's time others around us let go of the "should have, would have, could haves" we bestow onto one another and just live our own lives.

From The Mouths of Babes

Well now that the holidays are gone and my hair pulling, biting, name calling, Santa didn't bring me what I wanted children are back at school, I can get back to my dull life of cooking, cleaning and carting their ungrateful bums around. Wait that didn't seem to end even when they were out of school. No, it was much worse!

Playing referee for "she started it!" or "no I didn't break it, HE DID!" gets old so fast. It's really no wonder women go crazy! I am 100% convinced it was a woman who invented alcohol and chocolate! Even in the lowest of low moments amongst my children, there is always one that says something that makes you laugh so hard, you truly forget all the other garbage they rant about.

Here is THE ABSOLUTE BEST I have heard out of my children. My five year old daughters are arguing about something so I go over to investigate. One of them says to me "girls have a penis." My first thought is, here we go again! Why so many body parts??? "No, honey. Girls don't have a penis. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina." Their little faces ponder the thought of what I just said and then one of them says, "WAIT! Girls have big boobs and fine china????? you got to be kidding me!" When I stopped laughing I corrected her pronunciation. But to this day I will always know that ALL women have big boobs and fine china! Never gets old!