As a mom of five small children, four of whom are still in elementary school, I am having a difficult time turning off the tears and my mind. The events that transpired last week have truly rocked my core. Not just because of how horrific the situation, not just because I have small children, but because I volunteer at an elementary school for a class of first graders. I realize they aren't my children, but when I went in to school Monday to help them with their math, I just wanted to swallow them and wrap them up with bullet proof armor! I went from laughing and enjoying my time with them, to wanting to protect them as I do my own children.
I don't think any of us can truly feel the pain of the parents and siblings of Newtown who lost their precious children. But I still feel a pit of grief in my stomach that is very raw and very emotional. I have been trying extra hard to be extremely patient with my kids, to fully listen, and to appreciate all the good within them. Rather than focus on all the things that drive me nuts. Let's face it, in the big picture, the things that drive me crazy are ideals that stem from me just wanting them to be PERFECT. All the time.
So much has been said these last few days about guns, mental illness, security at schools, grief, moving forward, and the loss of innocence by those who died and those who survived. But, how do we move forward? I honestly don't know. But we will. As a family, as a community, and as a nation. I was 100% convinced that Monday would be different at my kids school. In fact I made it very clear, to each of them, that it may be a quiet day for many to reflect and to expect some changes when they walked in the door. ALL five of my kids came home and said NOTHING was different. I wasn't sure if I was shocked, appalled or relieved. Even today, I am still struggling with how I feel.
I think the thing that upset me about how my school district handled the day, was their lack of reaction. I guess I just expected MORE. I can't say exactly what I was expecting, but Monday left me with that sick feeling of no-wonder-tragedies-continue-to-happen. A letter from the principal was emailed saying that the teachers had collectively decided NOT to discuss the events of last Friday, but if ANY child brought it up, their teacher would reassure the child and inform the parent. OK, I get that. The school covering themselves against those children who's parents chose to shield them from the gruesome details circulating around the world. Where my anger and disbelief lies is how they handled ME when I walked through the door. Granted they know my face in the front office, as they should! I've had five kids go through there over the last six years. But, what they didn't know was my state of mind, if I had a criminal record, whether I let someone in the back door that was locked, or what was in my coat or purse. In fact the secretary NEVER even looked up when I passed her by!!! NOT that I would ever harm anyone, I want to make that point VERY clear, but what stopped me from bringing in a weapon Monday? Absolutely NOTHING and NO ONE. So for my kids to come home and say nothing was different, I guess shouldn't have shocked me. But it did. And still does.
Something needs to change. This type of tragedy cannot happen again. We as Americans need to put our differences aside and collectively say NO MORE. Why did gun sales go up after Friday? Because a law might tell us we can't have an assault weapon? Let's be honest. Why does anyone NEED one? I grew up with guns. My dad is a collector. My boyfriend is a hunter. Never once have I felt the NEED to have my own. Why is the media trying to connect mental illness with violence? Why do more innocent people need to die before anything is changed? It reminds me of stop signs or traffic signals. How many people have to die at an intersection before one is installed? When is enough going to be enough?
I have hugged my children so hard these last few days that they are telling me I'm hurting them. My seven year old daughter has asked me night after night if it's safe to go to school tomorrow. My oldest daughter continues to ask me why I keep watching the news. In her words, "It's so sad." Even my little first graders have hugged me tighter these last few days. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the whole WHY aspect of this unspeakable tragedy. I don't think anyone can. And I truly believe that even if law enforcement officials offer an answer to why, that it really won't make any of this better UNLESS all of us are willing to make changes. We are all forever changed. One of my favorite quotes comes from George Bernard Shaw. He said, "Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything." I need reassurance that our kids are safe in order for me to be OK. Children have an uncanny knack for being resilient, sweet, trusting, and inspiring. What a total disservice to all children everywhere if we as adults can't learn from what happened and vow to make changes to stop the unnecessary violence bestowed on them. We can't just say we need to change. We have to actually change. There are no valid excuses after last Friday. There is no denying that losing a child is as bad as it gets. Keeping our kids and everyone else safe, has to be a priority for every American citizen. Period.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Why I Didn't Vote....
I know, I know. I really debated on even writing this piece, and I KNOW it's going to spark a WHOLE LOT of controversy. But this is my blog, my thoughts, my place to vent, and my opinion. I don't EVER believe any of what I write is anything more than that. So please do not be offended by what I'm about to write. No, I did not vote this year. I had several people ask me if I did. When I responded, "No. I'm not voting" the look on their face was that of pure shock.
There were several reasons I didn't. The first was that I'm so sick of picking the "lesser of two evils". If one more person I talked to said, "well, what's the alternative?" I may have actually slapped them. I mean come on! Why should we as Americans settle for mediocrity at this point in the game? We are a nation that is crumbling, who's priorities are sidelined, and yet we continue to elect politicians who are so corrupt, that I'm starting to question why we don't let some of the animals housed in our prison system back on the streets? Honestly, it's no wonder other countries shake their heads at us! I am too!
The second reason I didn't vote was because I never feel like I have the correct information to make an educated choice. The ads on TV are so grossly misleading and the materials written for us to read are long and overwhelming. I'm a single mom of five. The last thing I want to do is sit down at night and read a LONG dissertation about some crazy politician that makes a bunch of promises he or she can't keep. Let's face it, the reality is that all the other crooks we elected can't get their shit together and actually make decisions that could help our nation and economy. Why aren't the members of Congress taking a pay cut? I bet they aren't worried about where their next meal comes from, whether they will have a roof over their head tomorrow, or whether their family will have health care. We have schools that are laying off teachers left and right, soldiers who aren't paid squat, police and fire squads running at bare minimums, small business owners trying to figure out how to keep employees and afford medical care, and towns ravaged by storms that have left families with nothing. Nothing! Yet a couple of politicians can raise BILLIONS for a campaign????
Someone please explain to me how two people can spend BILLIONS, yet can't pull a nation out of debt? Nothing makes sense to me when it comes to politics. And ALL of it disgusts me. The kicker for me is not only the ridiculous childlike mudslinging of grown men, or the blatant twist of wording in speeches, but the fact that the media makes it seem like if we don't live in Ohio, Pennsylvania, or Florida, that our votes don't count anyway! Or one step further? The fact that the Electoral College actually determines the President NOT the popular vote! Something just seems so wrong about all of that. Maybe I'm missing something. Or again, I'm not educated enough in politics to understand the whole process. But it sure seems to me that my vote actually DOESN'T matter?
And someone PLEASE tell me why we have the most archaic voting system in the world? And why we have to hear election after election about some state that counted wrong or ballets holes were misaligned? In this age of expanding technology, there has to be something more accurate.
I'm just frustrated with the whole system. I'm frustrated with every crooked politician. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of my hard earned money paying some politicians kid's education instead of going for my own kids. I'm tired of hearing about all the wasted tax money going for some lavish business trip or meeting. I'm tired of hearing about prominent officials affairs, security breaches, and over the top expense spending. I'm tired of hearing about money being wasted on different laws and bills tied up in our government. Politicians remind me of selfish spoiled rotten children. They want the most toys, the best toys, and they don't care who they hurt to get them. They want their cake and to eat it too. Well what about the rest of us who just want the best for OUR children? I want to know that EVERY soldier is paid properly for protecting my family day after day. I want to know that EVERY teacher has the best tools to give MY kids the best education. I want to know that there are ENOUGH police and fire fighters to protect my family ALWAYS. I want politicians to realize that their priorities aren't in line with average hard working families. I want them to start making choices that affect us positively and not keep putting us in the spot light of over-the-top-thrifty-all-about-me spending. I really don't think I'm asking or saying anything that most people aren't already thinking. It's just MY thoughts written down so that maybe, just maybe, I can find an unbiased answer for me My hope is that next time there is an election I CAN make an educated vote and one that I feel actually matters and counts.
There were several reasons I didn't. The first was that I'm so sick of picking the "lesser of two evils". If one more person I talked to said, "well, what's the alternative?" I may have actually slapped them. I mean come on! Why should we as Americans settle for mediocrity at this point in the game? We are a nation that is crumbling, who's priorities are sidelined, and yet we continue to elect politicians who are so corrupt, that I'm starting to question why we don't let some of the animals housed in our prison system back on the streets? Honestly, it's no wonder other countries shake their heads at us! I am too!
The second reason I didn't vote was because I never feel like I have the correct information to make an educated choice. The ads on TV are so grossly misleading and the materials written for us to read are long and overwhelming. I'm a single mom of five. The last thing I want to do is sit down at night and read a LONG dissertation about some crazy politician that makes a bunch of promises he or she can't keep. Let's face it, the reality is that all the other crooks we elected can't get their shit together and actually make decisions that could help our nation and economy. Why aren't the members of Congress taking a pay cut? I bet they aren't worried about where their next meal comes from, whether they will have a roof over their head tomorrow, or whether their family will have health care. We have schools that are laying off teachers left and right, soldiers who aren't paid squat, police and fire squads running at bare minimums, small business owners trying to figure out how to keep employees and afford medical care, and towns ravaged by storms that have left families with nothing. Nothing! Yet a couple of politicians can raise BILLIONS for a campaign????
Someone please explain to me how two people can spend BILLIONS, yet can't pull a nation out of debt? Nothing makes sense to me when it comes to politics. And ALL of it disgusts me. The kicker for me is not only the ridiculous childlike mudslinging of grown men, or the blatant twist of wording in speeches, but the fact that the media makes it seem like if we don't live in Ohio, Pennsylvania, or Florida, that our votes don't count anyway! Or one step further? The fact that the Electoral College actually determines the President NOT the popular vote! Something just seems so wrong about all of that. Maybe I'm missing something. Or again, I'm not educated enough in politics to understand the whole process. But it sure seems to me that my vote actually DOESN'T matter?
And someone PLEASE tell me why we have the most archaic voting system in the world? And why we have to hear election after election about some state that counted wrong or ballets holes were misaligned? In this age of expanding technology, there has to be something more accurate.
I'm just frustrated with the whole system. I'm frustrated with every crooked politician. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of my hard earned money paying some politicians kid's education instead of going for my own kids. I'm tired of hearing about all the wasted tax money going for some lavish business trip or meeting. I'm tired of hearing about prominent officials affairs, security breaches, and over the top expense spending. I'm tired of hearing about money being wasted on different laws and bills tied up in our government. Politicians remind me of selfish spoiled rotten children. They want the most toys, the best toys, and they don't care who they hurt to get them. They want their cake and to eat it too. Well what about the rest of us who just want the best for OUR children? I want to know that EVERY soldier is paid properly for protecting my family day after day. I want to know that EVERY teacher has the best tools to give MY kids the best education. I want to know that there are ENOUGH police and fire fighters to protect my family ALWAYS. I want politicians to realize that their priorities aren't in line with average hard working families. I want them to start making choices that affect us positively and not keep putting us in the spot light of over-the-top-thrifty-all-about-me spending. I really don't think I'm asking or saying anything that most people aren't already thinking. It's just MY thoughts written down so that maybe, just maybe, I can find an unbiased answer for me My hope is that next time there is an election I CAN make an educated vote and one that I feel actually matters and counts.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
I was standing doing my hair today wondering where I went wrong in life. How come I'm working my ass off trying to find a job, take care of a home, take care of my kids (who most days hate me), and take care of myself? Which the later seems to be sorely losing out. Honestly! Did I make a mistake in college when I chose a Business degree that focused on Advertising and Graphic Arts? Did I make a mistake when I opted not to pose for Playboy when they were at my college campus? Did I make a mistake when I thought having kids would fix my troubled marriage? Did I make a mistake when I chose to stay home and be a full time parent for my kids? or did I make the biggest mistake of all and not get into reality TV?????
Seriously! Out of all the poor decisions I've made in the last 20 years, I can honestly say I most regret not getting a degree in Bayou Gator Hunting, being Hugh Heffner's 20 year old girl friend, signing up for Dave & Julie Plus 5, or selling out my kid's tantrums to some ridiculous dance show, nanny show, or talent show!!! I want to know exactly what Sharon Osborn wants to do for Honey Boo Boo. Give her money for a college education??? Make her a talent star because she's an over weight mouthy little girl?? What??
I want to know what the rest of the hard working people around the world did wrong that they don't make $300k AN EPISODE for drinking, smoking, swearing, tanning, and sleeping with every warm willing body! I want to know why I wasn't born a red neck!!!! Look at all the GREAT vacations they go on!!! The Hamptons and Europe! I want to go there! Oh wait I can't...because I'm an "average" American trying to find a job so that my "real" children can eat and continue to have a roof over their head.
Why wasn't I born extremely wealthy? or marry someone extremely wealthy so that I can throw my 12 year old daughter a birthday party, where ALL the guests are required to bring a gift totalling more than most people make in a month. Then belittle and berate all my staff because the money I have is an entitlement, not something I worked really hard for.
Better yet!!! Why wasn't I born a gifted athlete who wins the hearts, admiration, and respect of millions? Only to believe I'm invincible to the laws. OOOOOhhhh even one better than a professional athlete? A politician!!!! Sooooo above the law! I could have been a crook, a murderer, an adulterer, or a rapist and gotten away with ALL of it! Why? because I'm a politician.
I'm just completely sick of all the job opportunities I've passed up in the last few years. Clearly there were some good ones! Clearly ones where I wouldn't have to have ANY regard for hard work and self respect. Ones that teach my children about the easy road in life. Ones that don't require any of life's skills. Ones where I don't even have to speak clear English! Ones that destroy my loved ones trust, honesty and self worth. Ones that DON'T represent everything I was raised to believe. I don't want the easy road. I just want a job that pays a few bills. I don't want to be any one's boss. I just want to go to work, do my job, come home, and boss around my five kids. I'm not asking for much. Just a chance. I suppose I can always resort to gator hunting if all else fails.....food for the kids and a new belt and shoes for Mama! Win win for everyone!
Seriously! Out of all the poor decisions I've made in the last 20 years, I can honestly say I most regret not getting a degree in Bayou Gator Hunting, being Hugh Heffner's 20 year old girl friend, signing up for Dave & Julie Plus 5, or selling out my kid's tantrums to some ridiculous dance show, nanny show, or talent show!!! I want to know exactly what Sharon Osborn wants to do for Honey Boo Boo. Give her money for a college education??? Make her a talent star because she's an over weight mouthy little girl?? What??
I want to know what the rest of the hard working people around the world did wrong that they don't make $300k AN EPISODE for drinking, smoking, swearing, tanning, and sleeping with every warm willing body! I want to know why I wasn't born a red neck!!!! Look at all the GREAT vacations they go on!!! The Hamptons and Europe! I want to go there! Oh wait I can't...because I'm an "average" American trying to find a job so that my "real" children can eat and continue to have a roof over their head.
Why wasn't I born extremely wealthy? or marry someone extremely wealthy so that I can throw my 12 year old daughter a birthday party, where ALL the guests are required to bring a gift totalling more than most people make in a month. Then belittle and berate all my staff because the money I have is an entitlement, not something I worked really hard for.
Better yet!!! Why wasn't I born a gifted athlete who wins the hearts, admiration, and respect of millions? Only to believe I'm invincible to the laws. OOOOOhhhh even one better than a professional athlete? A politician!!!! Sooooo above the law! I could have been a crook, a murderer, an adulterer, or a rapist and gotten away with ALL of it! Why? because I'm a politician.
I'm just completely sick of all the job opportunities I've passed up in the last few years. Clearly there were some good ones! Clearly ones where I wouldn't have to have ANY regard for hard work and self respect. Ones that teach my children about the easy road in life. Ones that don't require any of life's skills. Ones where I don't even have to speak clear English! Ones that destroy my loved ones trust, honesty and self worth. Ones that DON'T represent everything I was raised to believe. I don't want the easy road. I just want a job that pays a few bills. I don't want to be any one's boss. I just want to go to work, do my job, come home, and boss around my five kids. I'm not asking for much. Just a chance. I suppose I can always resort to gator hunting if all else fails.....food for the kids and a new belt and shoes for Mama! Win win for everyone!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Some Days Suck
Waa, waa, waa...I know, I know, we all have our problems. Some just seem worse than others. And some days just totally suck. I try very hard to stay positive and I try very hard to make sure the glass is always half full. But, having to be the bad guy, or in my case, the meanest mom in town, just blows.
Whoever said kids suck the life out of you, wasn't kidding. That's exactly what they do! They take your life and your wallet without a blink of an eye. After my son got through telling me I was a horrible mother because I wouldn't spend 99 cents on ANOTHER video game for him, my daughter came after me because I told her she couldn't go away for the weekend due to too much homework. My other son had to remind me that it was ALL my fault that no one was home to play. And my other two daughters were mad at me because I made them sit and eat a healthy meal before they could play with their friend. I'm so mean right???
I honestly don't EVER remember being that mean to my mom. Sure I remember being disappointed because I couldn't do EVERYTHING I wanted and being pissed off because I couldn't have the rainbow shirt ALL my friends had. But I never talked to my mom the way my kids talk to me. Like the world owes them. Like they deserve to have EVERYTHING. It's disgusting really. Deep down it makes me wonder if I did something to create this? Or can I blame all their friends that DO get everything and tease my kids because they don't have the latest and greatest new toy? Or can I blame all the ridiculous TV ads for pushing all the new technology my kids THINK they need? I don't know the answer. I really don't. What I do know is that I'm the meanest mom ever because I don't always give in.
As I listened to my friend yesterday, I am reminded that things can always be worse. She has to be one of the kindest, most giving people I know. She is one of those people who literally has nothing, yet would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She is one in a million. More people should be like her! My kids should be like her! I just feel for her. Like many families, they are struggling every month just to get by. She works and her husband works two jobs. Yet it's just not enough. She is absolutely someone I wish would win the lottery or fall into a pool of money. Why? Because it's people like her that need a little luck. Why is it that those who can potentially squander good fortune do? and those that truly need it are eternally grateful and use it wisely? Again, answers I can't wrap my head around. I just hate knowing that those of us who work really hard to keep what we have, get the short end of the stick. We have to beg, borrow and plead just to keep our heads afloat.
Recently, I have been slapped in the face with the reality of job hunting. It is clearly a world of who you know, not what you know. In the last month and a half I have applied to almost 50 jobs. No one has responded. I am thoroughly discouraged. So yes, I have to remind myself that things could be worse. Some days do suck. I am mean because I'm trying to make my kids appreciate what they already have. And I am reminded daily that with a little hope, patience, and luck things ALWAYS work out. Some times we just have to go through hell to get to happiness.
Whoever said kids suck the life out of you, wasn't kidding. That's exactly what they do! They take your life and your wallet without a blink of an eye. After my son got through telling me I was a horrible mother because I wouldn't spend 99 cents on ANOTHER video game for him, my daughter came after me because I told her she couldn't go away for the weekend due to too much homework. My other son had to remind me that it was ALL my fault that no one was home to play. And my other two daughters were mad at me because I made them sit and eat a healthy meal before they could play with their friend. I'm so mean right???
I honestly don't EVER remember being that mean to my mom. Sure I remember being disappointed because I couldn't do EVERYTHING I wanted and being pissed off because I couldn't have the rainbow shirt ALL my friends had. But I never talked to my mom the way my kids talk to me. Like the world owes them. Like they deserve to have EVERYTHING. It's disgusting really. Deep down it makes me wonder if I did something to create this? Or can I blame all their friends that DO get everything and tease my kids because they don't have the latest and greatest new toy? Or can I blame all the ridiculous TV ads for pushing all the new technology my kids THINK they need? I don't know the answer. I really don't. What I do know is that I'm the meanest mom ever because I don't always give in.
As I listened to my friend yesterday, I am reminded that things can always be worse. She has to be one of the kindest, most giving people I know. She is one of those people who literally has nothing, yet would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She is one in a million. More people should be like her! My kids should be like her! I just feel for her. Like many families, they are struggling every month just to get by. She works and her husband works two jobs. Yet it's just not enough. She is absolutely someone I wish would win the lottery or fall into a pool of money. Why? Because it's people like her that need a little luck. Why is it that those who can potentially squander good fortune do? and those that truly need it are eternally grateful and use it wisely? Again, answers I can't wrap my head around. I just hate knowing that those of us who work really hard to keep what we have, get the short end of the stick. We have to beg, borrow and plead just to keep our heads afloat.
Recently, I have been slapped in the face with the reality of job hunting. It is clearly a world of who you know, not what you know. In the last month and a half I have applied to almost 50 jobs. No one has responded. I am thoroughly discouraged. So yes, I have to remind myself that things could be worse. Some days do suck. I am mean because I'm trying to make my kids appreciate what they already have. And I am reminded daily that with a little hope, patience, and luck things ALWAYS work out. Some times we just have to go through hell to get to happiness.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Spanx
When it rains, it pours. I don't know who coined that phrase, but it always seems to hit right on the money. I had a horrible weekend with my kiddos. I've decided that they are the most selfish, ungrateful, rude, self centered people I know. The depressing part is that I feel like it's all my fault. The reality is that a good majority of it stems from their father. I run a tight ship. I can make Mommy Dearest look like a saint some days.
After I went on strike yesterday and refused to help them or cook for them, AND reminded them countless times that they treat me like dirt, a few of them finally apologized. I still want to choke them this morning. But for the moment, and for my own sanity, I feel the need to be funny. Not all weepy. After all, laughter is the best medicine. And, if I don't start laughing, I may actually spend the day crying again.
So here's the skinny. I am a relatively small person. However, if there is one thing I can't stand, it's my belly. Thank you again ungrateful children. I just hate the way it looks when I want to wear something fitting. Hence the miracle cure, Spanx. Or so I thought. I have actually spent a fair amount of money on these get-ups. All with the hope that it will sausage my belly into looking like a movie star.
The first one I bought rides up my bum. I figured that it wasn't supposed to do that, and I bought another one with tighter tummy control. The second one with straps, squishes my boobs so far together that I look like a porn star. Thus prompting me to purchase a third. The final one, a super tummy control, flattens both my boobs and sometimes my tummy so that I now look like my 11 year old daughter. Notice the word sometimes??? Yes, I finally figured out that Spanx are great, provided you purchase the right one. The problem is this. Spanx do not allow you the freedom to eat and drink as much as you can and still hold your belly in. Clearly there was no mention of that in the ad. Otherwise, I would have saved myself hundreds of dollars and just ordered a salad and a water. Not an appetizer, burger, fries, and beer.
The concept of Spanx is great. And granted when you finish squeezing yourself in and stop sweating, they do actually make your outfit look great! However, I'm not a movie star. I don't starve myself before I attempt to get into one. I don't order a salad, or not eat at all, before, during and after wearing one. I wrestle myself into it, eat and drink all kinds of bad stuff, then wrestle myself out of it. It's truly a process! And now that it is WAY tighter than when I stuffed myself in, I HAVE to have help getting out. Kind of takes the sexiness out of the moment. I'm sweaty and exhausted and I haven't even had any fun.
This is what women endure to look good for their men. Years ago it was a corset. Now it's Spanx. I keep asking my man, "How come we don't stop running? Let's just be fat and happy. Let's become part of the majority, not the minority and eat and drink all we can!" Granted this statement ALWAYS comes in the middle of a long run, followed by nachos and beer at our favorite restaurant. We run, so we CAN eat and drink like we want. With the occasional over indulgence thrown in. But who's pointing fingers? Not me! I guess my point is this. There is no miracle cure for the Buddha belly. Either embrace it's existence, or stuff it in and pray it doesn't spring lose! Now where did I hide that chocolate?????
After I went on strike yesterday and refused to help them or cook for them, AND reminded them countless times that they treat me like dirt, a few of them finally apologized. I still want to choke them this morning. But for the moment, and for my own sanity, I feel the need to be funny. Not all weepy. After all, laughter is the best medicine. And, if I don't start laughing, I may actually spend the day crying again.
So here's the skinny. I am a relatively small person. However, if there is one thing I can't stand, it's my belly. Thank you again ungrateful children. I just hate the way it looks when I want to wear something fitting. Hence the miracle cure, Spanx. Or so I thought. I have actually spent a fair amount of money on these get-ups. All with the hope that it will sausage my belly into looking like a movie star.
The first one I bought rides up my bum. I figured that it wasn't supposed to do that, and I bought another one with tighter tummy control. The second one with straps, squishes my boobs so far together that I look like a porn star. Thus prompting me to purchase a third. The final one, a super tummy control, flattens both my boobs and sometimes my tummy so that I now look like my 11 year old daughter. Notice the word sometimes??? Yes, I finally figured out that Spanx are great, provided you purchase the right one. The problem is this. Spanx do not allow you the freedom to eat and drink as much as you can and still hold your belly in. Clearly there was no mention of that in the ad. Otherwise, I would have saved myself hundreds of dollars and just ordered a salad and a water. Not an appetizer, burger, fries, and beer.
The concept of Spanx is great. And granted when you finish squeezing yourself in and stop sweating, they do actually make your outfit look great! However, I'm not a movie star. I don't starve myself before I attempt to get into one. I don't order a salad, or not eat at all, before, during and after wearing one. I wrestle myself into it, eat and drink all kinds of bad stuff, then wrestle myself out of it. It's truly a process! And now that it is WAY tighter than when I stuffed myself in, I HAVE to have help getting out. Kind of takes the sexiness out of the moment. I'm sweaty and exhausted and I haven't even had any fun.
This is what women endure to look good for their men. Years ago it was a corset. Now it's Spanx. I keep asking my man, "How come we don't stop running? Let's just be fat and happy. Let's become part of the majority, not the minority and eat and drink all we can!" Granted this statement ALWAYS comes in the middle of a long run, followed by nachos and beer at our favorite restaurant. We run, so we CAN eat and drink like we want. With the occasional over indulgence thrown in. But who's pointing fingers? Not me! I guess my point is this. There is no miracle cure for the Buddha belly. Either embrace it's existence, or stuff it in and pray it doesn't spring lose! Now where did I hide that chocolate?????
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Hormone Therapy
It was suggested to me today that MAYBE I should try hormone therapy...My response was VERY clear, "Why? I don't have any problem being a B*$ch! I don't want to fix it." I have definitely reached my whits end. And it's not just my kids this time. Shocked? Yes, I realize you are.
I have been trying to get a job for the last month. OK, it's been longer than that. But, I have been REALLY trying this last month. It has been an absolute nightmare. For several reasons. The ex lost his job at the end of July. It was the ONLY responsibility he had. Literally. I do everything else. So now the push is on for both of us to come up with something. Me because I cannot stand to be strapped to a clinically depressed-unmotivated-poor me-idiot anymore. And him for his children.
I've been slapped into the reality of it is CLEARLY who you know these days, not what you know. It's sad really. I have applied to so many jobs with very little response. Other than, "We got your resume and it's now in our data bank..." with millions of other people trying to get a job too. No one actually sends you a thanks but no thanks letter anymore. They just send a generic data bank letter or nothing at all. The thing that truly aggravates me is the time it takes to actually fill out an on-line application! It is beyond ridiculous. It takes an hour for EACH application. Then to get nothing or a generic response is just discouraging.
I made the executive decision that I am applying anywhere. If I'm going to be the one to support my kids, then I get to dictate where we live. Right? So where to??? Hmmmmm Bermuda, Belize, Fiji, Hawaii, Caribbean???? Why not right? I have no problem packing up my bathing suit, sun screen, and Kindle and moving out. I can home school the kids on the beach. They can learn about real life by ripping off tourists and selling t-shirts on the beach. If the wackos from Jersey Shore can do it, why can't my kids?? My kids are WAY smarter than those nut jobs! Imagine what they can learn! Math, Science, Social Studies, Foreign Language, street smarts...What?! Why can't I just do what the locals do there? Open up a fake business with no insurance, and pray no one gets hurt...I'm 99% sure that's how most businesses operate down on the islands.
OK, so maybe I'm delirious with frustration. I'm trying very hard to stay positive and do a little bit everyday. But, it really is hard to stay focused when you know going into a job posting that your odds of getting a human being to respond or that an internal candidate has pretty well secured the position are slim to none. Why can't I win the lottery? or at least buy some property that miraculously has natural gas hidden under it? Or oil? Jeez, now I sound like the ex...boo hoo poor me. NOT!!! I am a firm believer in making your own happiness. Therefore, I will keep plugging along with the belief that only good will come my way...Oh cabana boy!!! Have you seen my chitlings???? A girl can dream right??
I have been trying to get a job for the last month. OK, it's been longer than that. But, I have been REALLY trying this last month. It has been an absolute nightmare. For several reasons. The ex lost his job at the end of July. It was the ONLY responsibility he had. Literally. I do everything else. So now the push is on for both of us to come up with something. Me because I cannot stand to be strapped to a clinically depressed-unmotivated-poor me-idiot anymore. And him for his children.
I've been slapped into the reality of it is CLEARLY who you know these days, not what you know. It's sad really. I have applied to so many jobs with very little response. Other than, "We got your resume and it's now in our data bank..." with millions of other people trying to get a job too. No one actually sends you a thanks but no thanks letter anymore. They just send a generic data bank letter or nothing at all. The thing that truly aggravates me is the time it takes to actually fill out an on-line application! It is beyond ridiculous. It takes an hour for EACH application. Then to get nothing or a generic response is just discouraging.
I made the executive decision that I am applying anywhere. If I'm going to be the one to support my kids, then I get to dictate where we live. Right? So where to??? Hmmmmm Bermuda, Belize, Fiji, Hawaii, Caribbean???? Why not right? I have no problem packing up my bathing suit, sun screen, and Kindle and moving out. I can home school the kids on the beach. They can learn about real life by ripping off tourists and selling t-shirts on the beach. If the wackos from Jersey Shore can do it, why can't my kids?? My kids are WAY smarter than those nut jobs! Imagine what they can learn! Math, Science, Social Studies, Foreign Language, street smarts...What?! Why can't I just do what the locals do there? Open up a fake business with no insurance, and pray no one gets hurt...I'm 99% sure that's how most businesses operate down on the islands.
OK, so maybe I'm delirious with frustration. I'm trying very hard to stay positive and do a little bit everyday. But, it really is hard to stay focused when you know going into a job posting that your odds of getting a human being to respond or that an internal candidate has pretty well secured the position are slim to none. Why can't I win the lottery? or at least buy some property that miraculously has natural gas hidden under it? Or oil? Jeez, now I sound like the ex...boo hoo poor me. NOT!!! I am a firm believer in making your own happiness. Therefore, I will keep plugging along with the belief that only good will come my way...Oh cabana boy!!! Have you seen my chitlings???? A girl can dream right??
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Back To School
Ahhhhh...The day has FINALLY arrived! The first day of school. I feel like Mr. Rogers, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood..." I love my kids, but wow were they ready to go back and I was ready for them to! Woot Woot, bring on the Mommy-ritas!
It wasn't many years ago when there would be moms crying at the bus stop and totally appalled at me for smiling and doing the happy-I-have-my-life-back dance. Now guess who's happy and doing the same dance?! Once you get that taste of freedom, there is no turning back. My house stays clean, there is actually food that lasts more than five minutes, I'm not racing around picking up toy after toy after toy, AND there is no "I'm bored...." every hour on the hour.
My oldest started Middle School this year, two in Fourth Grade, and another two in Second Grade. They aren't babies anymore. In fact all of them WISH they were older. I wish they were older some days too! I can't wait to buy my studio apartment and futon. Have one key and not tell a sole where it is. The old, "Don't call us. We'll call you" will apply.
And it's not just me who's happy that they went back to school. Though they would NEVER admit it, they are too. It gets to a point where they can't stand one another. The bickering lasts from morning until night. The toys aren't fun anymore. The neighbor kids are boring. Even video games become lame. Kids need their space. Mine play all day, pretty much together, share a room at night, then wake up and do it all over. Again, and again, and again. After two and a half months, it gets to be a bit much. And I can't blame them! They have five completely different personalities. Five different sets of interests. And five different taste pallets. Playing mediator, jury and judge gets old real quick. Everyone needs a break. Including the dog. She's out like a light.
I like the routine that school sets. My kids like structure too. When we all know what to expect, things run like clock work. Breakfast, brush, make beds, dress, lunches, out the door. Start cooking dinner at 3:30pm so they can eat like horses, do their homework, and play for another couple hours. Throw in the odd after school activity (which there are several) and call it a day. It's not rocket science, it's just a schedule that's easy for everyone to follow. What's not easy is the homework. No, I am clearly NOT smarter than a 5th Grader! I had trouble with some First Grade stuff last year. I can pretty much hold my own with everything about the kids going back to school. But that homework stuff is a nightmare. I am forever telling my kids, "I did my share of homework. Now it's your turn!"...partly because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Thankfully they don't ask for help often. And thankfully I can look up stuff on the Internet!
Well I can see I'm running out of my mommy time. My oldest will be home in a few hours. Damn that went fast! But peace has settled in the house, power cleaning will start tomorrow, and for now my blood pressure has restored itself. There's nothing a good Margarita can't fix!
It wasn't many years ago when there would be moms crying at the bus stop and totally appalled at me for smiling and doing the happy-I-have-my-life-back dance. Now guess who's happy and doing the same dance?! Once you get that taste of freedom, there is no turning back. My house stays clean, there is actually food that lasts more than five minutes, I'm not racing around picking up toy after toy after toy, AND there is no "I'm bored...." every hour on the hour.
My oldest started Middle School this year, two in Fourth Grade, and another two in Second Grade. They aren't babies anymore. In fact all of them WISH they were older. I wish they were older some days too! I can't wait to buy my studio apartment and futon. Have one key and not tell a sole where it is. The old, "Don't call us. We'll call you" will apply.
And it's not just me who's happy that they went back to school. Though they would NEVER admit it, they are too. It gets to a point where they can't stand one another. The bickering lasts from morning until night. The toys aren't fun anymore. The neighbor kids are boring. Even video games become lame. Kids need their space. Mine play all day, pretty much together, share a room at night, then wake up and do it all over. Again, and again, and again. After two and a half months, it gets to be a bit much. And I can't blame them! They have five completely different personalities. Five different sets of interests. And five different taste pallets. Playing mediator, jury and judge gets old real quick. Everyone needs a break. Including the dog. She's out like a light.
I like the routine that school sets. My kids like structure too. When we all know what to expect, things run like clock work. Breakfast, brush, make beds, dress, lunches, out the door. Start cooking dinner at 3:30pm so they can eat like horses, do their homework, and play for another couple hours. Throw in the odd after school activity (which there are several) and call it a day. It's not rocket science, it's just a schedule that's easy for everyone to follow. What's not easy is the homework. No, I am clearly NOT smarter than a 5th Grader! I had trouble with some First Grade stuff last year. I can pretty much hold my own with everything about the kids going back to school. But that homework stuff is a nightmare. I am forever telling my kids, "I did my share of homework. Now it's your turn!"...partly because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Thankfully they don't ask for help often. And thankfully I can look up stuff on the Internet!
Well I can see I'm running out of my mommy time. My oldest will be home in a few hours. Damn that went fast! But peace has settled in the house, power cleaning will start tomorrow, and for now my blood pressure has restored itself. There's nothing a good Margarita can't fix!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Single Parent
We all make choices in life. Some are good, others are questionable. I always tell my kids that the beauty of life is that we get a do-over. We get the opportunity to make another choice if the original one we make wasn't so great. I wish sometimes that I was as good at taking advice as I am at giving it.
I knew WAY before my twins were born that I was a single parent. Mind you I was married at the time. I did it ALL. After all, that's what people expect from stay at home moms, right? I get that and I'm not complaining. I can cook, clean and take care of babies blindfolded with my arms tied behind my back if I have to. However, when you add two newborns to a just four year old, a two year old and a one year old, doing it ALL isn't an option. AT ALL. Someone had to go to work, that would be the ex, and someone needed to help me. I hired a phenomenal woman who is now one of my greatest friends, confidant, and ally. The minute she walked into my home and told me to never apologize for my kids behavior, they were just kids, I was forever in her debt. Probably one of the best choices I have ever made. She allowed me a life. I was finally able to take a shower, brush my teeth, get a hair cut, go for a run, and have lunch my friends. She allowed me a little bit of freedom so that I could take a break and be a calmer, better mom. Even with the kids all in school, she still offers to help. Sleepovers, baking, swimming, fishing, crafts, a lap to curl up in, you name it, she is still taking care of us. This all despite whatever mayhem she has going on in her own life. I could call her and she'd be here for us. With others, the ex, I am met with a variety of excuses.
Doing it all requires a mental break, not just physical. At the end of the day, when the kids are all FINALLY asleep, adult conversation with someone whom you are supposed to be able to share all your thoughts and concerns with, is a must. Didn't happen. I was completely shut out and alone. Needless to say, my spirit was broke both physically and mentally. I finally found the inner strength and courage to move forward. That was three years ago. I am still doing EVERYTHING but bring home a paycheck. Granted sports related things for my boys, brings out a tad bit of effort on the ex's part. But nothing else. I take care of the house inside and out, pay all the bills, do the shopping, take care of birthday parties, birthday presents, sick kids, Tooth Fairy, Santa, St Valentine, Easter Bunny, carting kids all over town, volunteering at school, doctors appointments, haircuts, trimming finger nails, you name it, I do it! It's my job, I get it. However, the thing that puts me completely over the edge is when I finally ask for help, I am met with excuse after excuse after excuse. Some days it gets to me, like today, and others I chalk off to the source. I always think that the ex will surprise me and pull his head out of his ass. But it never happens. Nor will it ever.
I got my do-over regardless of the hell I endure some days. I have my mom and dad that bend over backwards for me, friends that listen to me complain then make me laugh until it hurts, and a wonderful man that treats me like a princess and my ungrateful children with more attention than their own father. Nothing is perfect and yes I wish things could be different, we all do. But we all have choices. We can sit around and sulk about how life didn't turn out the way we planned, like the ex is STILL doing. Or, we can make a choice, move forward, and be thankful for what we do have. No I never expected to be a single mom. No I didn't want to be. But I am. And I do the best job I can every day for myself, my kids, my mom and dad, my boyfriend, and my friends. I go to bed at night exhausted and able to say, "Today wasn't perfect. But I learned something, and tomorrow will be better." I have to believe that. I have to make that happen. I have to be the strong one that can make decisions in a split second that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the people that make my world great. Being happy is my paycheck. It doesn't cover the bills, but it sure as hell beats whining about all the things I don't have.
I knew WAY before my twins were born that I was a single parent. Mind you I was married at the time. I did it ALL. After all, that's what people expect from stay at home moms, right? I get that and I'm not complaining. I can cook, clean and take care of babies blindfolded with my arms tied behind my back if I have to. However, when you add two newborns to a just four year old, a two year old and a one year old, doing it ALL isn't an option. AT ALL. Someone had to go to work, that would be the ex, and someone needed to help me. I hired a phenomenal woman who is now one of my greatest friends, confidant, and ally. The minute she walked into my home and told me to never apologize for my kids behavior, they were just kids, I was forever in her debt. Probably one of the best choices I have ever made. She allowed me a life. I was finally able to take a shower, brush my teeth, get a hair cut, go for a run, and have lunch my friends. She allowed me a little bit of freedom so that I could take a break and be a calmer, better mom. Even with the kids all in school, she still offers to help. Sleepovers, baking, swimming, fishing, crafts, a lap to curl up in, you name it, she is still taking care of us. This all despite whatever mayhem she has going on in her own life. I could call her and she'd be here for us. With others, the ex, I am met with a variety of excuses.
Doing it all requires a mental break, not just physical. At the end of the day, when the kids are all FINALLY asleep, adult conversation with someone whom you are supposed to be able to share all your thoughts and concerns with, is a must. Didn't happen. I was completely shut out and alone. Needless to say, my spirit was broke both physically and mentally. I finally found the inner strength and courage to move forward. That was three years ago. I am still doing EVERYTHING but bring home a paycheck. Granted sports related things for my boys, brings out a tad bit of effort on the ex's part. But nothing else. I take care of the house inside and out, pay all the bills, do the shopping, take care of birthday parties, birthday presents, sick kids, Tooth Fairy, Santa, St Valentine, Easter Bunny, carting kids all over town, volunteering at school, doctors appointments, haircuts, trimming finger nails, you name it, I do it! It's my job, I get it. However, the thing that puts me completely over the edge is when I finally ask for help, I am met with excuse after excuse after excuse. Some days it gets to me, like today, and others I chalk off to the source. I always think that the ex will surprise me and pull his head out of his ass. But it never happens. Nor will it ever.
I got my do-over regardless of the hell I endure some days. I have my mom and dad that bend over backwards for me, friends that listen to me complain then make me laugh until it hurts, and a wonderful man that treats me like a princess and my ungrateful children with more attention than their own father. Nothing is perfect and yes I wish things could be different, we all do. But we all have choices. We can sit around and sulk about how life didn't turn out the way we planned, like the ex is STILL doing. Or, we can make a choice, move forward, and be thankful for what we do have. No I never expected to be a single mom. No I didn't want to be. But I am. And I do the best job I can every day for myself, my kids, my mom and dad, my boyfriend, and my friends. I go to bed at night exhausted and able to say, "Today wasn't perfect. But I learned something, and tomorrow will be better." I have to believe that. I have to make that happen. I have to be the strong one that can make decisions in a split second that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the people that make my world great. Being happy is my paycheck. It doesn't cover the bills, but it sure as hell beats whining about all the things I don't have.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Why Do They Have To Be "Big"???
It's really sad how life keeps right on going. It doesn't stop when we are sick, our kids are sick, when there isn't any money to pay the bills, when we are sad, angry or hurt. We want it to, just for the sake of catching our breath! To wallow in self pity or grief. Or to simply enjoy the moment for longer than what we are able. Pictures allow us to do some of that. So does our memory...if that's still in tact! As we all know, I struggle with that one!
I was reminded last week of the movie Big with Tom Hanks. Why is it that kids ALWAYS want to be older and adults long to be younger? I'm pretty happy with my age...22. I wish I could freeze that. Oh that's right, I have...for 20 years! I really can't complain. No one cares when I do anyway, but the fact of the matter is that I'm happy. Really and truly happy. I look and feel better now than I ever have. I have amazing kids that drive me crazy one minute and melt my heart the next. I have warm, loving family and friends that I am forever grateful to. And a man in my life that absolutely rocks my world. It's this happiness that I wish to bestow on my kids.
Enjoy the moment! Enjoy what you have! Stop trying to have everything that everyone else has. Stop trying to grow up so damn fast! My oldest is headed to 5th grade camp in a few weeks. I'm beside myself! What happened to my baby??? I went in search of her immunization records for her camp paperwork and came across all her baby stuff. First hair cut, first tooth, first birthday, birth announcement, first check up sheet...everything BUT what I needed of course. Where did 11 years go? Why does she want to shave already? Why was I buying her a razor and shaving cream so that she could, and will, harm herself??? Why does she already want to drive and promise me to NEVER get in a car with someone who's been drinking?? Why, why, why! Why can't they be three and then thirty and allow me to spare myself all that nail biting, up all night worrying garbage? I'm a mess already.
Remember when we couldn't wait for our kids to say their first words? Now we want them to just stop talking! Remember when we wanted them to feed themselves? Now we want to stop the bleeding on the grocery bill! Remember when we wanted them to take their first steps? Now we can't get them to stop running through the house and smashing into everything! Remember when we wanted them to go potty on the "big" potty? Well thank the Lord above they learned that!!!!! We wanted them to be just a little "big" not an adolescent who worries about their looks, their clothes, their hair, their make up, who's going to be at the concert that likes them, or who they like! And worse yet, if they have any friends.
I just want their dreams to always stay BIG and their worries to stay small. Thank you Rascal Flatts! I want them to be happy with who they are and remain the wonderful, smart, caring, compassionate people I know deep down they are. If there is one thing that I hope and pray I do right as a parent, because there won't be much, is that I teach them that their self confidence is much more important than how many video games they have, how many Barbies they have, or if ALL their friends are doing it, why can't they?! Happiness stems from self confidence and pride in yourself. No one can ever take that away from you. Unless you let them. I hope they are always as proud of themselves as I am of them.
Blah, blah, blah right?! That's what I'm thinking as I log off to go up and beat them for wasting the water taking VERY LONG showers!!!!! Why do they have to go and wreck my motherly bliss??? Ah well, just another day. No bail money required....YET!!!!!!
I was reminded last week of the movie Big with Tom Hanks. Why is it that kids ALWAYS want to be older and adults long to be younger? I'm pretty happy with my age...22. I wish I could freeze that. Oh that's right, I have...for 20 years! I really can't complain. No one cares when I do anyway, but the fact of the matter is that I'm happy. Really and truly happy. I look and feel better now than I ever have. I have amazing kids that drive me crazy one minute and melt my heart the next. I have warm, loving family and friends that I am forever grateful to. And a man in my life that absolutely rocks my world. It's this happiness that I wish to bestow on my kids.
Enjoy the moment! Enjoy what you have! Stop trying to have everything that everyone else has. Stop trying to grow up so damn fast! My oldest is headed to 5th grade camp in a few weeks. I'm beside myself! What happened to my baby??? I went in search of her immunization records for her camp paperwork and came across all her baby stuff. First hair cut, first tooth, first birthday, birth announcement, first check up sheet...everything BUT what I needed of course. Where did 11 years go? Why does she want to shave already? Why was I buying her a razor and shaving cream so that she could, and will, harm herself??? Why does she already want to drive and promise me to NEVER get in a car with someone who's been drinking?? Why, why, why! Why can't they be three and then thirty and allow me to spare myself all that nail biting, up all night worrying garbage? I'm a mess already.
Remember when we couldn't wait for our kids to say their first words? Now we want them to just stop talking! Remember when we wanted them to feed themselves? Now we want to stop the bleeding on the grocery bill! Remember when we wanted them to take their first steps? Now we can't get them to stop running through the house and smashing into everything! Remember when we wanted them to go potty on the "big" potty? Well thank the Lord above they learned that!!!!! We wanted them to be just a little "big" not an adolescent who worries about their looks, their clothes, their hair, their make up, who's going to be at the concert that likes them, or who they like! And worse yet, if they have any friends.
I just want their dreams to always stay BIG and their worries to stay small. Thank you Rascal Flatts! I want them to be happy with who they are and remain the wonderful, smart, caring, compassionate people I know deep down they are. If there is one thing that I hope and pray I do right as a parent, because there won't be much, is that I teach them that their self confidence is much more important than how many video games they have, how many Barbies they have, or if ALL their friends are doing it, why can't they?! Happiness stems from self confidence and pride in yourself. No one can ever take that away from you. Unless you let them. I hope they are always as proud of themselves as I am of them.
Blah, blah, blah right?! That's what I'm thinking as I log off to go up and beat them for wasting the water taking VERY LONG showers!!!!! Why do they have to go and wreck my motherly bliss??? Ah well, just another day. No bail money required....YET!!!!!!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Boys vs. Girls
I was blatantly reminded of the difference between boys and girls yesterday. Though there were a few not so surprising moments, to say there was stereotypical behavior in my home, is dead on.
Yesterday was beautiful. The sun was shining, the temperature was a balmy 40 degrees, my house was pretty much clean, and the laundry was...well, still washing. Thankfully, my boys decided to go outside to play with their friends, my girls occupied themselves by destroying their room with Polly Pocket and Barbie play, and my oldest daughter went for a bike ride and dog walking adventure. What, oh what, was a mommy with "nothing" to do, do??? I sat my ass down on the couch, turned on the TV, and started flipping channels. Knowing full well that the moment I sat down, the boys would come home hungry, the girls would abandon their naked plastic dolls, and my daughter would bombard me with an "I'm bored" ranting. As luck would have it, or mothers intuition, my little ones deserted the tsunami they created in their room, and snuggled up next to me on the couch.
I'm not a TV watcher. In fact, I only admit to watching the news in the morning (sometimes), Cupcake Wars, and Jersey Shore. Other than that, I don't bother. My children on the other hand know more about what's going on in the world than I do. When we came across the WE network of My Fair Wedding with David Tutera, my girls fell apart. Hands down, this was what we were watching! "Mommy, don't change the channel!!!!", "I want to see them kiss!", "Look at her pretty dress!", and "I always pee when they kiss at the end!"...the last one put me over the edge. All I can do at this point is shake my head. Who were these girls all of a sudden? Clearly not the ones who take on wrestling and beating up their older brother! I was now dealing with Disney fairytale dreamers all wide eyed and sighing. They were making Scarlet Ohara look like a phony at this point.
Well, I suffice to say that my oldest daughter came home and sat glued to the TV. Mind you this is the child who claimed for years that she was NEVER getting married. My boys came home, starving, watched briefly, then proceeded to leave for Wii football. Somewhere in the next six hours, I fed my kids, cleaned the kitchen, showered all of us, made my bed, plopped my boys in front of the "big" TV for the Superbowl, and positioned the three girls in my bed for MORE wedding extravaganza. By 9pm I was wedded out! After watching six hours of weddings I have learned several things.
First, every wedding I've ever been too, including my own, was extremely cheesy. Second, I have learned to NEVER say, "I've seen it all", because I have not. And third, are you kidding me???? When I tell my girlfriend that I've been watching this show, the first thing she reminds me is not to be a hater and ruin it for my girls. Whatever! I want to see these couples in ten years! Then that awful moment comes when I hear the words, "for my wedding I want..." Why, why did God bless me with THREE girls???? Why??? With an 11 year old and two 7 year olds, the competition is already heating up. How or why I did not change the channel to Vegas weddings and How To Elope, is beyond my realm of comprehension at this point. It won't be how am I going to afford college for them, but how am I going to afford an over-the-top, fairytale, dream wedding of the century, for EACH of them now?!
Stupid TV. I should have never turned it on. I should have found something else to clean in the house. I should have NEVER sat down. This is what happens when I get the crazy idea to actually sit for five minutes. Or in this case, six hours! By 9pm my youngest son was done and thankfully, the girls had had enough. Sweet dreams followed for all four of them. Only one child remained awake. My oldest son, glued to the Superbowl, hoping and praying for the Giants to make a comeback, and win the big one. Exhausted, I sat down and snuggled up with him. There was over 12 minutes left in the game, New York was down, and my son was beside himself. This was nice I thought. Just the two of us. No more wedding talk. Pure boy stuff..."mom, I just farted".... Why I get the crazy idea to sit down is incomprehensible to even myself. I can only sigh and roll my eyes... The things we endure for quality time spent with our kids. I would never want to admit it, but in the end, I was glad I sat down. I wouldn't trade yesterday for anything. You can't put a price on knowing you put all of your kids to bed with smiles on their faces and happy thoughts in their heads.
Yesterday was beautiful. The sun was shining, the temperature was a balmy 40 degrees, my house was pretty much clean, and the laundry was...well, still washing. Thankfully, my boys decided to go outside to play with their friends, my girls occupied themselves by destroying their room with Polly Pocket and Barbie play, and my oldest daughter went for a bike ride and dog walking adventure. What, oh what, was a mommy with "nothing" to do, do??? I sat my ass down on the couch, turned on the TV, and started flipping channels. Knowing full well that the moment I sat down, the boys would come home hungry, the girls would abandon their naked plastic dolls, and my daughter would bombard me with an "I'm bored" ranting. As luck would have it, or mothers intuition, my little ones deserted the tsunami they created in their room, and snuggled up next to me on the couch.
I'm not a TV watcher. In fact, I only admit to watching the news in the morning (sometimes), Cupcake Wars, and Jersey Shore. Other than that, I don't bother. My children on the other hand know more about what's going on in the world than I do. When we came across the WE network of My Fair Wedding with David Tutera, my girls fell apart. Hands down, this was what we were watching! "Mommy, don't change the channel!!!!", "I want to see them kiss!", "Look at her pretty dress!", and "I always pee when they kiss at the end!"...the last one put me over the edge. All I can do at this point is shake my head. Who were these girls all of a sudden? Clearly not the ones who take on wrestling and beating up their older brother! I was now dealing with Disney fairytale dreamers all wide eyed and sighing. They were making Scarlet Ohara look like a phony at this point.
Well, I suffice to say that my oldest daughter came home and sat glued to the TV. Mind you this is the child who claimed for years that she was NEVER getting married. My boys came home, starving, watched briefly, then proceeded to leave for Wii football. Somewhere in the next six hours, I fed my kids, cleaned the kitchen, showered all of us, made my bed, plopped my boys in front of the "big" TV for the Superbowl, and positioned the three girls in my bed for MORE wedding extravaganza. By 9pm I was wedded out! After watching six hours of weddings I have learned several things.
First, every wedding I've ever been too, including my own, was extremely cheesy. Second, I have learned to NEVER say, "I've seen it all", because I have not. And third, are you kidding me???? When I tell my girlfriend that I've been watching this show, the first thing she reminds me is not to be a hater and ruin it for my girls. Whatever! I want to see these couples in ten years! Then that awful moment comes when I hear the words, "for my wedding I want..." Why, why did God bless me with THREE girls???? Why??? With an 11 year old and two 7 year olds, the competition is already heating up. How or why I did not change the channel to Vegas weddings and How To Elope, is beyond my realm of comprehension at this point. It won't be how am I going to afford college for them, but how am I going to afford an over-the-top, fairytale, dream wedding of the century, for EACH of them now?!
Stupid TV. I should have never turned it on. I should have found something else to clean in the house. I should have NEVER sat down. This is what happens when I get the crazy idea to actually sit for five minutes. Or in this case, six hours! By 9pm my youngest son was done and thankfully, the girls had had enough. Sweet dreams followed for all four of them. Only one child remained awake. My oldest son, glued to the Superbowl, hoping and praying for the Giants to make a comeback, and win the big one. Exhausted, I sat down and snuggled up with him. There was over 12 minutes left in the game, New York was down, and my son was beside himself. This was nice I thought. Just the two of us. No more wedding talk. Pure boy stuff..."mom, I just farted".... Why I get the crazy idea to sit down is incomprehensible to even myself. I can only sigh and roll my eyes... The things we endure for quality time spent with our kids. I would never want to admit it, but in the end, I was glad I sat down. I wouldn't trade yesterday for anything. You can't put a price on knowing you put all of your kids to bed with smiles on their faces and happy thoughts in their heads.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Money, Money, Money
The birthdays are FINALLY over for a while. Thank goodness! Now I can try to put a band aide on my bleeding credit card. It's absolutely amazing to me how the spending never stops. Something else always comes up. Scientist truly need to get the lead out and find a cure for ALL diseases AND develop a real live money tree. Can you imagine? "Mom, I need gas money!" "Oh sure, honey. Just go grab a $20 off the tree." I hope I live long enough to see both!
For their birthday, my girls wanted to get their ears pierced. In my infinite wisdom I think, "this is a great 'cheap' birthday gift". Not so much. I realize of course that I have twins. What I always fail to remember is that twins means two. Which means double the cost, double the price, double the crap. My cheap idea, or their idea, cost me close to $200 to even get out of the store. That did not include lunch afterward. Granted it was a great day and worth every penny. When the bill comes I may have other feelings.
I suppose I didn't need to spend quite so much. But these are my babies, and I felt so guilty for the pain tears that followed the actual piercing, that I had a hard time saying no. I was remembering back to the tears of my oldest when she got hers done. She was about to chicken out when I told her, "Honey, they got everything out and ready. You can't say no now. Let them just do one ear. If you don't like it, we can go home." Seriously?! One ear?! Now you know I wasn't going to let them do just one ear!!!! Oh the motherly guilt! Nothing ten pairs of earrings, a plastic cell phone that holds lip gloss, and a butterfly jewelry holder can't fix.
You can only imagine my guilt when double the tears fell. Buy the whole store girls, mommy is evil for letting that mean girl stab you! UGH! By the time we left the store, the pain was forgotten and the loot was a plenty. Leave it to my mother to remind me that ear piercing was FREE when I got it done. Something tells me that there was no way we left the store with "free" earrings 30 some years ago... Wait, 12 years ago. I'm ONLY 22. I tend to forget that some days.
The problem with all this piercing business is that my eight year old son now wants his done. Absolutely NOT. First of all, I can't afford it. And second of all, I told him it was inappropriate for little boys to have that done. Not to mention the fact that I'm not sure who would die first, me or my son, at the hands of my ex. I told said child not to EVER repeat what I was about to say, but if he just happen to come home one day with one, when he was 18, I would not be upset. This was all contingent on the fact that he owned his own home at the time. Considering he wants to own a bank when he "grows up" may make all of this a possibility and you may actually see me eat my own words. That would be my luck!
No more piercing, no more money, no more, no more, no more. I'm out of all of it. Including my mind. Child labor laws mean nothing in this house. These kids have to get to work! After all, mommy needs a pedicure so that I have good feet to keep running after the little heathens! And yes, it does always come back to me. Happy mommy equals happy children.
For their birthday, my girls wanted to get their ears pierced. In my infinite wisdom I think, "this is a great 'cheap' birthday gift". Not so much. I realize of course that I have twins. What I always fail to remember is that twins means two. Which means double the cost, double the price, double the crap. My cheap idea, or their idea, cost me close to $200 to even get out of the store. That did not include lunch afterward. Granted it was a great day and worth every penny. When the bill comes I may have other feelings.
I suppose I didn't need to spend quite so much. But these are my babies, and I felt so guilty for the pain tears that followed the actual piercing, that I had a hard time saying no. I was remembering back to the tears of my oldest when she got hers done. She was about to chicken out when I told her, "Honey, they got everything out and ready. You can't say no now. Let them just do one ear. If you don't like it, we can go home." Seriously?! One ear?! Now you know I wasn't going to let them do just one ear!!!! Oh the motherly guilt! Nothing ten pairs of earrings, a plastic cell phone that holds lip gloss, and a butterfly jewelry holder can't fix.
You can only imagine my guilt when double the tears fell. Buy the whole store girls, mommy is evil for letting that mean girl stab you! UGH! By the time we left the store, the pain was forgotten and the loot was a plenty. Leave it to my mother to remind me that ear piercing was FREE when I got it done. Something tells me that there was no way we left the store with "free" earrings 30 some years ago... Wait, 12 years ago. I'm ONLY 22. I tend to forget that some days.
The problem with all this piercing business is that my eight year old son now wants his done. Absolutely NOT. First of all, I can't afford it. And second of all, I told him it was inappropriate for little boys to have that done. Not to mention the fact that I'm not sure who would die first, me or my son, at the hands of my ex. I told said child not to EVER repeat what I was about to say, but if he just happen to come home one day with one, when he was 18, I would not be upset. This was all contingent on the fact that he owned his own home at the time. Considering he wants to own a bank when he "grows up" may make all of this a possibility and you may actually see me eat my own words. That would be my luck!
No more piercing, no more money, no more, no more, no more. I'm out of all of it. Including my mind. Child labor laws mean nothing in this house. These kids have to get to work! After all, mommy needs a pedicure so that I have good feet to keep running after the little heathens! And yes, it does always come back to me. Happy mommy equals happy children.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Only A Mothers Love
Just when I thought I hit rock bottom with all the things I have put up with with my kids, I am ambushed with yet another of life's "are you kidding me" moments. As moms we put up with SO much. I have been peed on, pooped on, barfed on, spit on, nose wiped on, sneezed on, coughed on, you name it, the bodily fluid that comes out of my children, has at one point or another, landed on me. And as a mom, we just shake our heads and take it all. I will admit, it certainly was a lot cuter when they were babies. Now, it's just plain gross.
It's in our nature to help our babies, no matter what. But at some point in life I have to ask, where do I get to draw the line??? Please tell me I do. Because boys are gross. Plain and simple. My boys are into sports. My nine year old lives and breaths EVERY sport. My eight year old just goes along with his big brother and enjoys whatever he's playing at the time. I'm convinced if I didn't make him play something, he'd sit in his closet building Lego's the rest of his life.
Currently the boys play hockey. I'm thrilled. They play baseball in the spring/summer and that's fine. But as far as I'm concerned, baseball can be so brutally boring that I want to rip my eyes out. At least with hockey, there's constant action. However, as we all know, with hockey comes A LOT OF SWEAT. With a lot of sweat, comes a lot of stink. When my own father, who also played hockey, said, "Jules, you need to wash the boys hockey stuff", you know there's an issue.
I'm hear to tell you two things. First, that commercial for Febreze, is a big fat lie. That product covers up the stench for a short amount of time. Underneath it all, whatever you're spraying, still stinks. Second, washing a jock should NEVER be a woman's job. Nor a mom's for that matter! I literally wanted rubber gloves when I had to take the cups out. Not only did I have to remove them to wash their jock shorts, but I had to touch them AGAIN to put them back in!!! I drew the line right then and there. I have put up with as much as I possibly can with my kids. But no where, in ANY parent handbook, does it say that touching, washing, or even looking at jocks or cups is the responsibility of a mom.
I understand the value of the cup. And I get that the jock holds all their junk in place. BUT, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! I would never expect my son's or my boyfriend to wash or handle my bra's. Let's face it, in reality they are the same thing. However, most bra's are pretty and inviting. Why? Because they hold boobs. Boys like boobs. Jocks and cups? Not so pretty. Stinky and gross actually. And why? Because they're used in sports. I'm absolutely sure I don't need to say any more. In fact, I need to actually go bleach my hands AGAIN. AND, get my spoons to stab my eyes out. UGH!!!!
It's in our nature to help our babies, no matter what. But at some point in life I have to ask, where do I get to draw the line??? Please tell me I do. Because boys are gross. Plain and simple. My boys are into sports. My nine year old lives and breaths EVERY sport. My eight year old just goes along with his big brother and enjoys whatever he's playing at the time. I'm convinced if I didn't make him play something, he'd sit in his closet building Lego's the rest of his life.
Currently the boys play hockey. I'm thrilled. They play baseball in the spring/summer and that's fine. But as far as I'm concerned, baseball can be so brutally boring that I want to rip my eyes out. At least with hockey, there's constant action. However, as we all know, with hockey comes A LOT OF SWEAT. With a lot of sweat, comes a lot of stink. When my own father, who also played hockey, said, "Jules, you need to wash the boys hockey stuff", you know there's an issue.
I'm hear to tell you two things. First, that commercial for Febreze, is a big fat lie. That product covers up the stench for a short amount of time. Underneath it all, whatever you're spraying, still stinks. Second, washing a jock should NEVER be a woman's job. Nor a mom's for that matter! I literally wanted rubber gloves when I had to take the cups out. Not only did I have to remove them to wash their jock shorts, but I had to touch them AGAIN to put them back in!!! I drew the line right then and there. I have put up with as much as I possibly can with my kids. But no where, in ANY parent handbook, does it say that touching, washing, or even looking at jocks or cups is the responsibility of a mom.
I understand the value of the cup. And I get that the jock holds all their junk in place. BUT, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! I would never expect my son's or my boyfriend to wash or handle my bra's. Let's face it, in reality they are the same thing. However, most bra's are pretty and inviting. Why? Because they hold boobs. Boys like boobs. Jocks and cups? Not so pretty. Stinky and gross actually. And why? Because they're used in sports. I'm absolutely sure I don't need to say any more. In fact, I need to actually go bleach my hands AGAIN. AND, get my spoons to stab my eyes out. UGH!!!!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Endless Humor...
I was bored one night and looking for something funny to read on my Kindle when I came across this book called Go The F@#k To Sleep. I kid you not, I just finished screaming at my kids to do just that when I found the book. I honestly thought there was a camera in my house. Coincidence? I think NOT!
I immediately bought the book. I was a tad disappointed that it wasn't longer than it was. But, pleasantly surprised at how insanely accurate it depicted bed time with children. Who was this man that wrote this? Was he hiding in my house watching me? I was starting to get a really creepy feeling. Amidst laughing hysterically!
This book not only makes you feel like you are not alone as a parent of a child who will not go to sleep, but it also makes you feel like laughing at someone else for having the same problem! I will absolutely recommend this book to EVERY parent I know. Because lets face it, we've all been there. Just one more hug, one more potty break, one more story, one more kiss, one more question to answer, one more, one more, one more!!!! AHHHHHHHH It's maddening!
It wasn't until yesterday that I learned how popular this book is. My sitter stopped by to say, "you have to read this! AND listen on YouTube to Samuel L. Jackson narrate it!!!" Needless to say, I thought I was one up on her by already reading the book. However, when I went to YouTube today I realized that I was WAY behind! Tons of celebrities are narrating it. Samuel L. Jackson was on David Letterman reading some of it back in June for crying out loud! All parents should write books! We have endless stories to tell! Kids provide so much humor on a daily basis! Even when we want to choke their little eyes out.
For years I thought that my kids were put on this earth to drive me absolutely insane. Which some days there is NOT enough alcohol to cope with them. But when you actually sit down and take a long hard look, all they really are is curious and honest. As adults we take things that they say or do as irritating or frustrating or just plain rude. In actuality they are just calling it like they see it. Being able to sit back and laugh at either yourself for being ridiculous or being able to actually laugh at what they say or do is worth it's weight in gold to a child. Now if I could just remember this at 9pm when I all I want is for them To Go The F@#k To Sleep!!!!!!!
I immediately bought the book. I was a tad disappointed that it wasn't longer than it was. But, pleasantly surprised at how insanely accurate it depicted bed time with children. Who was this man that wrote this? Was he hiding in my house watching me? I was starting to get a really creepy feeling. Amidst laughing hysterically!
This book not only makes you feel like you are not alone as a parent of a child who will not go to sleep, but it also makes you feel like laughing at someone else for having the same problem! I will absolutely recommend this book to EVERY parent I know. Because lets face it, we've all been there. Just one more hug, one more potty break, one more story, one more kiss, one more question to answer, one more, one more, one more!!!! AHHHHHHHH It's maddening!
It wasn't until yesterday that I learned how popular this book is. My sitter stopped by to say, "you have to read this! AND listen on YouTube to Samuel L. Jackson narrate it!!!" Needless to say, I thought I was one up on her by already reading the book. However, when I went to YouTube today I realized that I was WAY behind! Tons of celebrities are narrating it. Samuel L. Jackson was on David Letterman reading some of it back in June for crying out loud! All parents should write books! We have endless stories to tell! Kids provide so much humor on a daily basis! Even when we want to choke their little eyes out.
For years I thought that my kids were put on this earth to drive me absolutely insane. Which some days there is NOT enough alcohol to cope with them. But when you actually sit down and take a long hard look, all they really are is curious and honest. As adults we take things that they say or do as irritating or frustrating or just plain rude. In actuality they are just calling it like they see it. Being able to sit back and laugh at either yourself for being ridiculous or being able to actually laugh at what they say or do is worth it's weight in gold to a child. Now if I could just remember this at 9pm when I all I want is for them To Go The F@#k To Sleep!!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Boobs
I figured the title alone would get your attention. I mean who doesn't love boobs? My kids, all of them, are obsessed with them. It's actually quite strange. But I suppose when you're inundated with them daily, you tend to be a tad curious.
There is zero privacy in my home. ZERO. Locks mean absolutely NOTHING on doors. In fact, a locked door is an invitation to beat the door down or find ANY object to shove in and unlock it. My mother used to say to me whenever I was losing it, "just go lock yourself in the bathroom." Yeah right! If I wanted peace, that's the last place I'd hide. After five kids, a dog, and cats, I have lost all the dignity I have ever held. Everything is a free for all at my house.
My oldest daughter is TRYING very hard to retain whatever she has left herself. She's 11 and at that stage where everything is private. Fine! I envy her attempt at some. I may even be bordering on jealous. I'm not sure how she did it. Did she beat her brothers and sisters into submission? or did her screaming at them alone scare them off? I'm not sure. Either way. It seems to be working for her. Sigh...
Let me put it this way. We are the house of naked. My friends have always said I'd take my clothes off anywhere, anytime. So it's no wonder my children are the same. I suppose there should be a point where it's considered inappropriate to be parading around with nothing on. I've learned to just accept it. Fighting it only creates more problems. For example, the second you start to take your clothes off, it never fails, someone comes around the corner. The second you sit down to go to the toilet, someone comes in. The second you get on the phone, someone has a thousand questions. It's never ending. It's like a signal goes off somewhere in the house and everyone comes running. I've even been in the shower and my son and his friend came waltzing in. Why? Why? Why?
So when my daughters got off the bus the other day and said my nine year old son was looking at BIG BOOBIES on his friend's Nook, I barely batted an eye. First of all, he's nine. If he weren't curious about boobs, I'd be concerned. Second, with a mom, a house full of sisters, and naked Barbies everywhere, it's hard not to see them. You'd think he'd be bored with them already. My boyfriend of course reminded me that boobs are NEVER boring. How did I handle it? Well first of all I laughed. Which of course embarrassed the hell out of him. Then I told him that I wasn't mad, that it was perfectly natural to be curious. Finally, the adult in me popped out and said, "where did he get the pictures?" Turns out they were in a magazine that his dad had subscribed to. UGH, figures! Damn bus! But what can you do? I get running magazines with all kinds of girls half dressed in spandex. I can't imagine it was Playboy, but who knows. I just reminded him that I wasn't mad, that it was OK, but that if he got caught on the bus looking at them he'd be in a lot of trouble. So knock it off! He smiled and walked away.
For as long as I live, I will never understand boys and their obsession with boobs. Then again, it's my daughters too! "OOOOO look! She had big boobies!" I suppose when you're six, all the boobies you see are BIG! Ah well, chalk it off to yet another of life's funny moments. Please, please don't let me forget this! I can't wait to remind ALL of them of these stories, in front of their own children! Isn't it funny how life always comes full circle?? MHHHHHHHH!!!
There is zero privacy in my home. ZERO. Locks mean absolutely NOTHING on doors. In fact, a locked door is an invitation to beat the door down or find ANY object to shove in and unlock it. My mother used to say to me whenever I was losing it, "just go lock yourself in the bathroom." Yeah right! If I wanted peace, that's the last place I'd hide. After five kids, a dog, and cats, I have lost all the dignity I have ever held. Everything is a free for all at my house.
My oldest daughter is TRYING very hard to retain whatever she has left herself. She's 11 and at that stage where everything is private. Fine! I envy her attempt at some. I may even be bordering on jealous. I'm not sure how she did it. Did she beat her brothers and sisters into submission? or did her screaming at them alone scare them off? I'm not sure. Either way. It seems to be working for her. Sigh...
Let me put it this way. We are the house of naked. My friends have always said I'd take my clothes off anywhere, anytime. So it's no wonder my children are the same. I suppose there should be a point where it's considered inappropriate to be parading around with nothing on. I've learned to just accept it. Fighting it only creates more problems. For example, the second you start to take your clothes off, it never fails, someone comes around the corner. The second you sit down to go to the toilet, someone comes in. The second you get on the phone, someone has a thousand questions. It's never ending. It's like a signal goes off somewhere in the house and everyone comes running. I've even been in the shower and my son and his friend came waltzing in. Why? Why? Why?
So when my daughters got off the bus the other day and said my nine year old son was looking at BIG BOOBIES on his friend's Nook, I barely batted an eye. First of all, he's nine. If he weren't curious about boobs, I'd be concerned. Second, with a mom, a house full of sisters, and naked Barbies everywhere, it's hard not to see them. You'd think he'd be bored with them already. My boyfriend of course reminded me that boobs are NEVER boring. How did I handle it? Well first of all I laughed. Which of course embarrassed the hell out of him. Then I told him that I wasn't mad, that it was perfectly natural to be curious. Finally, the adult in me popped out and said, "where did he get the pictures?" Turns out they were in a magazine that his dad had subscribed to. UGH, figures! Damn bus! But what can you do? I get running magazines with all kinds of girls half dressed in spandex. I can't imagine it was Playboy, but who knows. I just reminded him that I wasn't mad, that it was OK, but that if he got caught on the bus looking at them he'd be in a lot of trouble. So knock it off! He smiled and walked away.
For as long as I live, I will never understand boys and their obsession with boobs. Then again, it's my daughters too! "OOOOO look! She had big boobies!" I suppose when you're six, all the boobies you see are BIG! Ah well, chalk it off to yet another of life's funny moments. Please, please don't let me forget this! I can't wait to remind ALL of them of these stories, in front of their own children! Isn't it funny how life always comes full circle?? MHHHHHHHH!!!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Barbie and Ken
No words can can express my shock when I walked into my room, years ago, and found Barbie and Ken in a very compromising position. My immediate response was to find my camera. Mind you it was hard to take a picture through all the tears and laughter. I wanted to make sure I captured this moment to remind my children of the hell they put me through. Or maybe what I put THEM through! Surely they learned this somewhere...
For years I thought I was the only one subject to such a sight. That was until last night. Just after 11pm my cell phone chimed. What idiot wanted me at this hour you ask? None other than my girlfriend from Arizona. Because of the time change, I slipped her a small break. Curiosity had me, so I grabbed my phone to see what she wanted. I was met with a picture of Barbie and Ken partially clothed, laying down, with a cat between his legs and his hand on her boob. The message that followed said, "not sure where daughter learned this. Was clearly NOT from her mom and daddy!"
Naturally I was quick to respond with my own photo and a message stating, "not sure where they learned it either!" We both agreed that our "friends" the whores taught them! After a half hour of laughter and another glance at her photo, I was absolutely convinced that her daughter had indeed learn from her parents. Being the wonderful, honest friend that I am, I pointed out the obvious. The cat. Had it not been for the cat strategically placed between the legs of Ken, I would have never thought twice. I asked her where the dog and the fish were in the whole scheme of things? Or her husbands sleep apnea mask? Ah romance....WHERE????? Gone, gone, gone.
I listen to the morning shows when I sit down with my coffee to write. If I have to hear one more sex therapist say that couples should schedule dates, romance, or sex I may actually hurl my coffee mug at them. Why? Because unfortunately they're right. How sad is it that as adults we have to sneak around like crazy sex starved teenagers just to get a little action? If I give my boyfriend a kiss in front of my kids they fall apart with a HUGE "EW MOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!" Even a hug has them snickering. Sad, truly sad. That is until you twist it around! If there is one thing I can do, and do well, it's find some humor in the mundane.
Remember when you used to sneak around as a teenager? Making out in the bathroom at a party. Parking in the pouring rain on an old dirt road? Asking some random hot guy to go home with you? Oh wait! That was my "friend". The point is, it was fun! It was risky and it felt good! Why not sneak around with your hubby or boyfriend? My boyfriend and I do it all the time. And guess what? I haven't had this much fun since I was a teenager! Neither has he! Maybe those crazy therapist do know what they're talking about. Maybe they don't. But this time I'm listening! AND taking notes. I mean honestly, what's the worse that can happen??? Another Barbie and Ken show? Or getting caught in the act? Whatever! I'm not going to sweat it. Believe me, with five kids I have no doubt in my mind that at some point I'm going to go, "EW!!!!" and have a good snicker too! I said before that the world would be a whole hell of a lot happier if we all got out our old photos. Well guess what? The world would be a whole hell of a lot happier if we all stopped worrying about what everyone, including our kids, thought and just had some fun! Act stupid, be crazy, laugh, hug, and make out like crazy! Not only does it make you smile but it makes you feel good about yourself! More importantly, good old Barbie and Ken won't be the ONLY ones having the fun!
Friday, January 6, 2012
My How Times Have Changed...
Just when I think I've seen it all, I am met with yet another ridiculous sight. There are so many wrong things about this ad that I don't even know where to begin. Or maybe I just have a twisted sense of humor. Either way, if you can enlarge this picture and read the whole ad, it will be worth every bit of the effort.
There are few talents I hold. One of which seems to be spotting a really good piece of furniture. Gift or curse is still debatable. When my boyfriends parents decided to downsize their home to an apartment this past month, they decided a few things had to go. One item stood out that I absolutely fell in love with and asked for. It is a beautiful dresser I plan on re-finishing and giving to my boys. Though their worthiness of such a fine piece is still up in the air.
I brought the drawers home this past week. Each of the drawers was lined with old newspapers. I'm guessing this ad was from 1953 since some of the other pages showed that date. Let me get right to the point...WTF?! Who invented an apron that blows up? And who let that woman blow it and have her picture taken? Seriously?! Upon further reading I discovered that it WASN'T a man, but another "housewife". Are you kidding me?! If my neighbor came to me with this idea, I'd tell her she was crazier than she already is! "Gadgets get trickier all the time." Really?! First of all, is this really a gadget? And second, since when is laundry not "uncomfortably heavy" when you carry it? If this woman wanted to make a tricky gadget to make "washday" better, she should have thought to add a vibrator to the apron! I bet there wouldn't be a single woman out there complaining of doing laundry EVER again!
"Inflate the canvas apron until it stands out stiffly..." Come on! Maybe I just have a dirty mind, but this is too much! A woman may have invented this product, but a man definitely wrote the ad. In 1953 I'm pretty sure NO ONE saw the sexual undertones in this. Or maybe they did. Who knows! But I'd love to know how many of these sold. I wonder if Joyce Wojcik is still alive, if she still wears an apron to do her wash, and if she made a fortune off this idea. I might have to do a little investigating into this. I guess you never know right? I mean look at the paperclip! People laughed at that too! Now you can't ever find one when you need one. "Note the handy pocket for storing clothespins." Really?! How about note the handy pocket in my coat, my pants, my purse, and my sweater for holding ALL the crap my kids make me carry.
So much about this ad is wrong. If you want to get technical and nitpick, there's the fact that it's a woman doing the wash, a woman wearing an apron, a woman wearing a dress to hang laundry, and let's not forget the wording of the ad itself. All that aside, I choose to see the childish humor in it instead. If you can't do that, then you haven't hung out with your kids enough. I live in a house where I am reminded DAILY that a fart is ALWAYS funny! As an adult, so are sexual innuendos! If this ad didn't make you laugh today, the least it should do is make you smile... a little wicked one at that!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
What Was I Thinking...
When was the last time you had a gut wrenching laugh? Tears and pee included. It seems like those kind of laughs are few and far between. Sure we all have a little chuckle now and then. And maybe a good laugh. But the kind that leave you gasping for air, wiping your eyes, and changing your underwear don't seem to come as often as we need them. I can honestly say I've had two in the last week. I truly believe the laughter has lightened my mood. If not put a huge smile on my face randomly throughout the day.
The process is simple actually. Take out your photo album from the 80's! You can't count the 70's because most of the fashion trends have gone back to that simple, sleek look. Even the Afro has come back! However, go to the 80's, and even early 90's, and look how big your hair was and how awful your clothes were. The funny part, we THOUGHT we looked GOOD!!! I was so busy laughing the weeks before Christmas at the Glamour Shot pictures that Ellen was showing, that I never gave ANY thought to the embarrassing pictures I had in my own closet. That was until last night.
It started with my girlfriend sending me a picture of her new haircut. It all went downhill from there. After sharing a few old pictures, I will suffice to say that it ended with her son asking if I was a man and if she had an Afro like the guy from the band LMFAO. Why she told him it was us in the first place is beyond me. I told her she should have said, "that's my "friend" and the man whore she picked up!" To say "what was I thinking?" is a gross understatement!
Most people don't get better looking with age. I, on the other hand, feel that I have. Wink, wink! I gave my boyfriend such grief when he told me I used to be a "6" years ago and a "10" now, that I actually had to apologize to him today. I think he was being generous in both cases. But, good lord! I looked horrible! Who let me out of the house??? You know we all snicker at people we see, especially the Walmart folks, who step out with something ridiculous on. And why? Because they walked out thinking like the rest of us, "I look GOOD!"
I realize that we can't always look our best, and that even famous people have their off days. But come on! Even when I don't get a shower everyday, I don't look that bad. Well, I don't look like a man anymore! I may smell like one, but that's nothing perfume can't hide. Yes those pictures are embarrassing as all get out, but I'm not burning them. The laughs they produce are PRICELESS! Imagine how much happier the world would be if everyone got out their old photos?? I'm telling you, if you're having a rotten day, and need a good laugh, all it takes is a good look at yourself from the past. And that my friends is worth a change of underwear any day of the week!
The process is simple actually. Take out your photo album from the 80's! You can't count the 70's because most of the fashion trends have gone back to that simple, sleek look. Even the Afro has come back! However, go to the 80's, and even early 90's, and look how big your hair was and how awful your clothes were. The funny part, we THOUGHT we looked GOOD!!! I was so busy laughing the weeks before Christmas at the Glamour Shot pictures that Ellen was showing, that I never gave ANY thought to the embarrassing pictures I had in my own closet. That was until last night.
It started with my girlfriend sending me a picture of her new haircut. It all went downhill from there. After sharing a few old pictures, I will suffice to say that it ended with her son asking if I was a man and if she had an Afro like the guy from the band LMFAO. Why she told him it was us in the first place is beyond me. I told her she should have said, "that's my "friend" and the man whore she picked up!" To say "what was I thinking?" is a gross understatement!
Most people don't get better looking with age. I, on the other hand, feel that I have. Wink, wink! I gave my boyfriend such grief when he told me I used to be a "6" years ago and a "10" now, that I actually had to apologize to him today. I think he was being generous in both cases. But, good lord! I looked horrible! Who let me out of the house??? You know we all snicker at people we see, especially the Walmart folks, who step out with something ridiculous on. And why? Because they walked out thinking like the rest of us, "I look GOOD!"
I realize that we can't always look our best, and that even famous people have their off days. But come on! Even when I don't get a shower everyday, I don't look that bad. Well, I don't look like a man anymore! I may smell like one, but that's nothing perfume can't hide. Yes those pictures are embarrassing as all get out, but I'm not burning them. The laughs they produce are PRICELESS! Imagine how much happier the world would be if everyone got out their old photos?? I'm telling you, if you're having a rotten day, and need a good laugh, all it takes is a good look at yourself from the past. And that my friends is worth a change of underwear any day of the week!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
It's Over
Hallelujah!!!!! Woo Hoo....oh wait! No it isn't over! Damn! 23 birthdays in January to go. Obviously there were a lot of busy people in March. Well that certainly gives a new meaning to spring fever. UGH!!!
I have said before that I hate the holidays. I hate after the holidays even more. The bills pile in, the weight is still lingering, I have detox shakes, AND way too many birthdays to STILL celebrate. And it's not like I can just buy a quick card or send a Happy Birthday email. NOOOOOOO, that would be cheap and easy. Everyone is a family member or really good friend that needs something. It just NEVER seems to end.
This year, I made a few attainable New Years resolutions. Mind you I do this every year. But, this year the difference is the word "attainable". I signed up for two races. One in May and one in September. Those will help with the lingering weight issue. The detox shakes may also subside with the help of the training. Though the jury is still out on that. After all, I do have five kids with homework. It's the bills I'm more concerned about. I decided that I truly do need to cut back. I really don't need my toes and nails done. I like it, but don't need it. I really don't need that $7 Meijer t-shirt. I want it, but don't need it. And, my kids don't need seven gifts, or whatever the hell I buy, EACH for their birthdays. Christmas was just here for crying out loud!
I think it's just going to boil down to little changes. Little changes that effect the big picture. A new year always brings hope for big changes. But the reality is we all start off with grandiose plans and then get upset because at some point we fall short. Being a goal setter by trait, I'm pretty good about following through. But like everyone, some times I need a little extra motivation. That light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it in the distance, and feel like I'm getting closer, I just need to figure out a way to pull all of it together and make it shine brighter.
Little changes, one by one, all add up in the end. I will not let negative people tell me I can't do something. I will not be upset that I can't have something I long for. I will not buy my kids useless trinkets just to ward off a tantrum. I will not take the easy road when I'm exhausted. And I will not take for granted all the wonderful things that are right in front of me. Yes, I will still yell at my kids to get their stuff on and get in the car. Yes, I will still be upset when they hate my cooking. Yes, I will still go crazy when they make a mess and refuse to clean it up. And, yes I will absolutely love them for reminding me that they are their own unique person that keeps me on my toes day and night. I wouldn't trade a single argument in the world. Let's face it, that's why a mom invented alcohol!
Bring on the new year! I don't know how good it will be. But, I will take it in stride, make my little changes, reach my attainable goals, and be thankful for all that I have. My girlfriend keeps reminding me that every day is a gift. Now, if I could just figure out how to wrap it with a big bow, I'd save myself a lot of time and money! Hey! is that the easy road since I'm completely exhausted??? I better eat something and have a drink to think about that!
I have said before that I hate the holidays. I hate after the holidays even more. The bills pile in, the weight is still lingering, I have detox shakes, AND way too many birthdays to STILL celebrate. And it's not like I can just buy a quick card or send a Happy Birthday email. NOOOOOOO, that would be cheap and easy. Everyone is a family member or really good friend that needs something. It just NEVER seems to end.
This year, I made a few attainable New Years resolutions. Mind you I do this every year. But, this year the difference is the word "attainable". I signed up for two races. One in May and one in September. Those will help with the lingering weight issue. The detox shakes may also subside with the help of the training. Though the jury is still out on that. After all, I do have five kids with homework. It's the bills I'm more concerned about. I decided that I truly do need to cut back. I really don't need my toes and nails done. I like it, but don't need it. I really don't need that $7 Meijer t-shirt. I want it, but don't need it. And, my kids don't need seven gifts, or whatever the hell I buy, EACH for their birthdays. Christmas was just here for crying out loud!
I think it's just going to boil down to little changes. Little changes that effect the big picture. A new year always brings hope for big changes. But the reality is we all start off with grandiose plans and then get upset because at some point we fall short. Being a goal setter by trait, I'm pretty good about following through. But like everyone, some times I need a little extra motivation. That light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it in the distance, and feel like I'm getting closer, I just need to figure out a way to pull all of it together and make it shine brighter.
Little changes, one by one, all add up in the end. I will not let negative people tell me I can't do something. I will not be upset that I can't have something I long for. I will not buy my kids useless trinkets just to ward off a tantrum. I will not take the easy road when I'm exhausted. And I will not take for granted all the wonderful things that are right in front of me. Yes, I will still yell at my kids to get their stuff on and get in the car. Yes, I will still be upset when they hate my cooking. Yes, I will still go crazy when they make a mess and refuse to clean it up. And, yes I will absolutely love them for reminding me that they are their own unique person that keeps me on my toes day and night. I wouldn't trade a single argument in the world. Let's face it, that's why a mom invented alcohol!
Bring on the new year! I don't know how good it will be. But, I will take it in stride, make my little changes, reach my attainable goals, and be thankful for all that I have. My girlfriend keeps reminding me that every day is a gift. Now, if I could just figure out how to wrap it with a big bow, I'd save myself a lot of time and money! Hey! is that the easy road since I'm completely exhausted??? I better eat something and have a drink to think about that!
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