Boys

Honestly, do I really need to say anything else? Anything at all? Don't get me wrong, I love my boys with all my heart. But there are honestly some days I look at them and wonder how their species exists. I've discovered that it makes absolutely NO difference what you teach them or what you say. There is a mutated chromosome in each and every one of them.

I've also discovered through the many I have dated, married and divorced, that it does not change with age. Boys are simple creatures that are all the same just disguised with different faces to throw women off. My friend and I feel they should all be placed in a bubble for our viewing pleasure. Never to be let out for fear they might speak, burp, fart, touch themselves, attempt something ridiculous, injure themselves or others, cry, whine, think they are dying EVERY TIME they get sick, and the list goes on. I guess this is why I have such a huge problem watching The Bachelor. Seriously ladies! Men our like puppies. We think they're all cute and cuddly at first. Then we get them home and they pee on the floor. Train them all you want, but we never ever stop taking care of them.

Rotten Age

There has to be good and bad points to ANY age of children. I used to remember people saying "oh the terrible two's watch out!" or "just wait until they're teenagers." and so on. Well I never listened to any of it, though the hormonal phase does frighten me slightly. I just never had a problem with my kids when they were two, I thought three was WAY worse! And teenagers, well I have a way to go before that...or do I???

My nine year old daughter has a love hate relationship with me already. One day I'm the best mom ever and the next I can do no right. In fact I'm actually dumbfounded by the entire phenomenon. It's like watching Sybil combined with the Exorcist. You just never know what's going to set her off or make her crawl into my lap for hugs and kisses. Boys get angry, go cool off and still think you're great. Girls are like a whole different species. If I live through puberty without committing myself to a padded room with a pretty white coat and shiny buckles it will no doubt be something short of a miracle.

Mom Taxi

My friend got me a mug one time that said "I don't remember signing up for this". Wildly appropriate for shuffling kids EVERYWHERE! Every year it gets a little bit trickier too. A different sport, a different school, a different friend, a different store and on and on and on. I don't remember my parents shuffling me everywhere. But I'm sure they did. In fact I remember in high school the swim coach thought we'd be a better team if we practiced in the morning and in the afternoon. My mother lugged my tired crabby hinny to school at 5am every morning. I think she was relieved when I told the coach, I'm not going to the Olympics this is a waste of my time.

It's such a catch 22. You want your kids to grow up and be independent, yet you want them to stay little too. And God help us when they want to drive! I have to admit, that is one of my biggest fears. I've seen my kids drive their mini Corvette. It's not pretty! They speed down the driveway, crash into trees and other mini cars, talk to their friends across the road, play with the radio and the lights; anything but pay attention to driving. All I can do is shake my head and pray this isn't a glimpse of the future! Maybe being a mom taxi isn't all that bad! If I could just find a way to make it cool when they get to middle school and high school I'd be the envy of moms everywhere! I know, such the dreamer sometimes.

Firsts

I was never a good pregnant person. In fact I hated it. I was always uncomfortable, I couldn't get over the fact that I was gaining weight (baby or not, NO ONE likes to get on a scale and learn they gained 10 pounds in a week!), being told what I could or could not eat, and the worst was people's rude comments. They never ceased to amaze me! I actually had one person say to me "Wow, five kids! Did you want that many?" No jerk, let's see if we can put some back! Ugh!

I was always thankful once the little aliens came out. And now that they are, the time is just flying by! That's the one piece of advice I never dreamed I'd believe. But I do. My girls just turned five yesterday. Five going on 30 in their book. But five!! Where does the time go? Honestly it just doesn't stop. We take pictures, keep sentimental items, and do our best to remember the very best moments. But you never quite get back that first smile, first hug, first sloppy kiss, first crawl, first word, first anything. Life just keeps moving forward to some other first. Thank goodness I'm pretty easy going and can roll with both the good and the bad...let's be real, some firsts we'd like to forget.

UGH!!!

We all know that sound. Cats make it, dogs make it, and we make it. That awful dry heave, I'm about to barf, everyone watch out sound. So why is it almost everyone can give fair warning but children???

I have become an expert in "oh there's something coming up with that cough", or "the look on your face tells me we need a bucket or a bathroom", or "why is it so quiet in the back seat. And what's that smell?". I have washed countless sheets, towels, blankets, stuffed animals, carpets, rugs, floors, toys, walls, car seats, cars, porches, chairs, and stairs to know that nothing will prepare you for the amount of vomit one very small person can make. Or where it's going to go. In fact it reminds me of confetti. You just never know where ya might find it one day. Sick kids are bitter sweet. You never want to see your babies hurting, but just a little part of you enjoys the quiet calm of them resting for an ENTIRE day.

I'm No Doctor

I have five kids. I have seen just about every common illness out there. Colds, flu, stomach virus, bronchitis, ear infection, pink eye, blah, blah, blah. I have been human tissue and toilet paper at any given moment. I even tried to be a human bucket with a barfing child...I don't recommend that one.

So please tell me why I need to waste time, energy and money to go to the doctor only to have them tell me what I already know???? I'll admit, I've been mother of the year and not taken my kids when MAYBE they should have gone. But honestly for the little things, it's just so ridiculous!!! Example, the school called because my son's eye's were all red and goopy. Duh! Pink eye! But I can't just call the doctor and say hey, can you call in a prescription for me? Oh no HAVE to go in and expose my kid to whatever crap someone else has. ONLY for them to say, "Oh yeah that's pink eye. Here's your prescription." Seriously! And we wonder why our health care system is a mess!!! I don't have to wonder, I know. And it doesn't take a doctor to diagnose that either!

Art

Most kids LOVE school projects. As a parent they do absolutely NOTHING but irritate me to no end. For several reasons!!! First and foremost I have to spend time, and usually money, gathering ALL the necessary items for the project. Second, I have to argue with a child who doesn't "understand" how to do the said project. And last but certainly NOT least, comes the underlying Parent Competition to have the best, most awesome project.

You know what I say to that? HELL NO!!! I went to school for sixteen plus years. I did my time. I make my kids responsible for their own work. Regardless of what they turn in. If they scratch something out, if the label is crooked, if there's too much glue, if something isn't spelled right, whatever. It is their project, their responsibility, and their sense of pride that hands it in. I love to watch my kids create stuff. And no it's not by any mean perfect. But it's theirs, they own it. And when it comes home, I proudly display it ALL over my house!

Meaningless to Meaningful

There are two things in this world I absolutely LOVE to buy, shoes and belts. The rest is nothing short of painful for me to purchase. I'm the person that refuses to try stuff on, takes it home, goes to wear it, it looks ridiculous, and with tags still on, puts it right in the donation bag. I'm awful. I'll admit it.

Mind you I have bought A LOT of shoes in my time. Lately it's running shoes, with a few fun stilettos thrown in! I just love the look and feel of new shoes. Especially running shoes. I've been buying the same ones for the last four years. I swear by them. In that four years, not once have I read any of the tags to see what meaningless information they might have to share with me. I love the shoes, so what do I care right? Imagine my surprise when I read that the name of my shoes actually has a meaning! ASICS, it's an acronym from the Latin phrase, "Anima Sana In Corpore Sano," which translates simply to "a sound mind in a sound body." The name of my running shoes sums up exactly how I feel when I'm running. Coincidence? I think not! Needless to say, I had a great run today. It's the little moments in life that count for me. And today, that one little tag made something I enjoy go from just some thing I do, to just some thing I do with purpose.

What's The Big Deal???

Ah another year older. Whatever! I've decided that birthday's are for everyone BUT me anymore. I stopped at 22 eighteen years ago. Call it what you will, denial works for me. 40 is the new 20, blah, blah, blah. So great, then I'm really ONLY 22. I was never good at math anyway and as long as my kids don't catch on, I'm good.

Milestone birthday's have never really been a big deal to me. Well, 21 was a blast...I think, 30 was uneventful, and 40 allowed me to spend some great time with great friends and family. I can't complain about that. Now what?? Glass is ALWAYS half full in my world. Sometimes overflowing. But I like it that way. I'm happy, lucky, blessed, fortunate, and absolutely looking forward to where I go from here!

Embrace Your Passion

I'm really not one to brag. Especially about my running. I started running four years ago as an excuse to get me out of the house and gain some of my sanity back. It worked like a charm. I took off and I never looked back. I looked good, I felt good, and from what I was told, I was pretty good too. I guess so considering I qualified for Boston after my second marathon just one year after I started running. I also ran a few other marathons and two ultra marathons. Plus a few other smaller races in between all that. Mind you I'm not very fast for an old bird, but I move along and I'm consistent with my speed. More importantly, I just plain love doing it!

Though today questioned just how much I really did. I set out to do 10 miles. The most I've done in over a month. The weather was a balmy 25 degrees, sun was shinning, tunes were playing, and off I went. I got as far as mile 7 and thought OW I hurt! Everything ached! Hips, ankles, knees blah blah blah. I thought who the hell did I think I was signing up for another 50 mile race when I can't even get through 7 miles?! Here's the beauty of running. I truly believe it's 10% physical and 90% mental. Your body can trick your mind into believing it can't, yet your mind can turn it around and say Oh hell yeh you can! I kept moving forward like dumb runners ALWAYS do (one reason we have terrible injuries) and I finished all 10.

I ache all over, and the Tylenol did absolutely nothing for me, but I will no doubt be back out again tomorrow. Afterall, it's running. I do it because I can.

Remember Mama??

It's quite possible I have the worlds worst memory. I can remember the dumbest of things (we call that PST- Piece of S#*t Trivia) and pretty much nothing else. It's awful. I can remember faces, but not names. Phone numbers, but not who they belong to. Buy birthday cards, and forget to send them. Need something from the fridge only to get there and have no idea why I'm standing there. Call it what you will. I call it mom brain. We get dumber and smarter about the most amazing things!

Take today for example. My four year old was rambling on about something then eventually says "remember when we did that?" Hmmmm since I had tuned out most of what she was saying all I could replied with was "what?" Mother of the year again! And yes maybe that is why I don't remember much. I've simply tuned it out. It's a skill I've perfected with five kids. Regardless, she went right back to the story and asked again "now you remember?" I did listen this time and said with my motherly authority "I have no idea what you're talking about. Did you put your mittens in your backpack?" That put a stop to the questioning of my memory! At least for a few minutes...now that I think about it, who was that child and why was she calling me mom????

I'm Not 80!!!

Let's just set the tone here. Ever since I was a child, shopping with my mother has been a nightmare. My WHOLE life she's tried to dress me as though I'm an 80 year old woman. All my friends will surely vouch for this. Pictures from my past still surface to haunt me. In fact I finally got so fed up with it, I insisted my parents let me get a job so I could buy my own clothes. It was a tough battle, but I finally won. Now mind you I still was no fashion expert when I made the change, but at least I no longer looked like an old lady. To this day, I still can't shop with my mother AND the clothes that she does buy me clearly DO NOT match my taste.

My mother I can deal with. I can flat out tell her "No ma, I can't. You wear it." But the kicker comes when my ex's mother tries to give me her 92 year old dead mother's clothes. Honestly, it renders me speechless. In fact I'm still shaking my head. When my 9 year old said "oh I like that!" I had immediate flashbacks to my youth! I made a vow right that second my children would NOT suffer my fate. I politely said "honey I think these would be better for some family that doesn't have a lot of clothes." I put them in the donation bag, and called it a night!

What Is She Doing Now??

Truly I have lost my mind!! I have set two enormous goals for myself this year that I am praying happen sooner than later. Getting a job and buying a house. This on top of playing mom taxi to five small children on a daily basis. With swimming, skating, dance, horseback riding, doctors appointments, hair cuts, house cleaning, cooking, homework and laundry; where is there time for anything else??? Honestly I'm not sure! In fact I'm so sure there isn't enough time in the day to accomplish ALL that, that like a fool I registered this morning to run a 50 mile race the end of August. I was told they have cars so you can actually drive that far!

Road less taken right? I'm a firm believer that as a mom you absolutely must make time for yourself. I just told a friend of mine today; when you feel good about yourself it reflects in everything you do. Running makes me feel great and look great. I'm a better more relax mom thanks to it. And in my world, and ALL it's utter chaos, my kids rely on me to make EVERYTHING go smoothly. They also rely on me to laugh it off when it doesn't.

So yeah, I'm going to get that job, buy that house, take care of my kids and run that 50 miles because I can. And I will!

Blue Line

Oh hell no, I am not talking about that! I fixed that problem last year! Rest assured I will NOT be conceiving any more children. This is much worse in my book! One word, boys. Honestly, need I say more?

I'm doing laundry when my son comes in and says "mom, I have a blue line on my penis." My first reaction is why God, why? Then the mom in me panics and thinks maybe he's dying? In my infinite motherly wisdom I say "what blue line? show me." I don't know what I was thinking. Clearly I wasn't. Being the boy that he is, he whips it out and says "see right there!" I sigh, no he's not dying and I actually know what this blue line is! I say "honey, you're alright. It's just a vein." Naturally I think this will suffice and the child will go away. NOPE! Not this son! "What's a vein? oh wait I know! When you get kicked in the penis, that's what hurts!" I now have a deer in headlights stare and my mouth hanging wide open. Since I don't have a penis I'm not exactly sure how to respond. Again, why God, why? Quick thinking I say "no honey, it hurts when you get kicked in the testicles. Now go to bed!" "oh! Ok mom. Night".

Seroiusly, who can do anything after that??? I went and had a beer.

Bright Idea

As moms we always get moments of bright ideas. We think, "wow, that could be a lot of fun!" or "surely the kids will love this!". In the infinite words of my mother "Uh, WRONG!!!!" clearly comes back to haunt me.

I thought Santa should ONLY bring each of my kids two presents this year. Mind you they get a TON of stuff from one set of grandparents and the other was purchasing a Wii for all of them to use (including games for each). Naturally two would be MORE than enough. After all, isn't Christmas about spending time with family? NOT how many presents are under the tree? My bright idea? Take the kids snowboarding, spend some time with them over winter break. Come on! Who wouldn't love to try something new and spend time together...my kids that's who!

Granted they did A LOT better than I expected, but after an hour of getting equipment on, dragging it out to the hill, and learning how to strap one boot in, my 4 year olds threw themselves in the snow, watched all the really good skiers and boarders go up the chairlift and proceed to eat an enormous amount of snow. They weren't complaining, so I figured I was doing good. My boys caught on really quick and seemed to enjoy themselves. My daughter gave up 30 minutes in because we weren't going up the chairlift as pro snowboarders after learning one thing. And mom and her partner were trying NOT to break their necks on the speed bump we practiced on.

All in all, it was an EXPENSIVE two hours. Thank goodness it was New Years Eve and I could dull the aches with a few adult beverages. Note to self, eating snow is more fun than your first snowboarding lesson and bright ideas should be thought out thoroughly!