Cooking

I'm just going to throw this out there. I hate cooking. I wish I didn't. Don't get me wrong. I love food! Maybe a little too much. In fact I tell everyone, if you don't know what to get me, cook for me. It's the best gift in the world. My kids are a trip. When I cook they complain about what I make. When I don't cook, they complain about that. There is no appeasing the masses. EVER!

Since I met my man, I have always tried to do a little something for his family at the holidays. I thought, everyone loves to get food, give them that. It's a cheap and easy gift. That was three years ago. I have created monsters! My sitter used to make this amazing sausage bread for us at Christmas. It's a pain to make, but it's sooooo yummy, it's worth the work. Every year his family has fought over the bread and gobbled it up in a matter of minutes. Guess what? I'm not making it this year! I thought they all liked me. It may be questionable after this weekend. Regardless, they are all getting something equally as yummy. I'm making them all this amazing egg dish and phenomenal cupcakes.

Here's where the story goes awry. Cupcakes. My children have noticed that I am making them. Try explaining to five young children that they aren't for them. DOES NOT GO OVER WELL AT ALL! Honestly, who doesn't love a cupcake? We like them so much that every Tuesday night we are glued to the TV watching Cupcake Wars on The Food Network. I don't know if it's the challenges on the show that have my kids hooked, or the cupcakes themselves. And who knew there were so many cupcake stores out there?! After watching this show, it's evident that not everyone can actually make a yummy cupcake. My kids cheer for the winners of the challenges, poo poo some of the types of cupcakes, and argue about who is actually going to win the whole thing! It's nuts! Last night however, they were arguing so much, that I shut it off and sent them to bed. There seems to be more competition in my house over the show, than on the show itself.

No I'm not that big of a scrooge. I am a scrooge and I can't stand the holidays, but I'm not heartless either. Yes, my kids will get a cupcake. A CUPCAKE mind you. These are the fancy kind you make from scratch. I've only ever made ones out of a box. I've got to have guinea pigs to try them before I go handing them out to others. I made that mistake years ago with cookies. I gave them to a bunch of my guy friends. They were so awful, they used them as hockey pucks in the parking lot. Kids are brutally honest, so you have to use them for tasters.

Thank goodness I don't have to make them in 45 minutes like the show! I'm just going to take my time and pray they turn out. I suppose if they don't I can give them anyway and just tell them they're snowballs. But don't throw them, they could take out a window! Wish me luck! I'm off to cooking....

Unexpected Surprises

I am not a gal who handles surprises gracefully. In fact, I don't like them at all. It's a control issue with me. I like to know exactly what's going to happen. Granted there are obviously some times in life that are out of our control, and truly a surprise. But for the stuff that I have some say in, I want to have a say!

In this instance I was met with a pleasant surprise. One that I am always grateful for. As we know from my previous post, I have been the mommy from hell. Evil doesn't even come close to the wrath I unleashed last week on my chitlings. Yes, I did feel bad and yes, I did apologize. I think sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with trying to get things perfect, that I lose sight of the simple things that matter most. A sad but true fact.

My mood also compounded with a nagging guilt I had about leaving my kids for the weekend. Mind you, it was no different from any other weekend that I spend away from them. After all, they do have a father who is entitled to see them. It was the fact that a lot of stuff was going on that I wanted to be a part of, but committed myself to something else. I have always said that as mom's we have to make time for ourselves. Otherwise EVERYONE around us suffers. The guilt that comes with that decision is often insurmountable. And most of the time we think of it as unforgivable. When in fact it's neither. It's a personal pressure we place upon us that no one, but another mom, understands.

Here's where my surprise lay. And actually there were several over the course of a few days. My son, who mind you hates my very being most days, called me because he was bored. That made me feel good. And, when I got home no one was worse for the wear. They all had to tell me their stories, no one was upset. Everyone was extremely tired, brushed their teeth and went to bed without an argument!!!! Honestly?! Does life get any better than that???? Not in my book it doesn't. I always say it's the little things in my life that matter. And clearly that was the case. I'm in a better mood today and actually looking forward to spending the holidays with my kids, my family, my man, and his family. All that pressure and guilt I placed on myself melted immediately when we all fell happily asleep last night. Ahhhh, maybe an occasional surprise is good...MAYBE! Let's not get crazy now!

The Holidays

Here we go again. The holidays. I can't quite figure out why they make me soooo incredibly grouchy. Oh wait, yes I can. Because I run around like a mad woman cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, organizing, and everything else in between. Which equates to a run down, less time for running (to work off excess food and alcohol), sleep deprived, bad mood, sick mom. And for WHAT I ask you?

Why can't I be a kid again? Why can't I get sooooo excited to see all the decorations, hear Christmas music, relax, and actually enjoy the moment? My kids are out of control with excitement right now. They couldn't contain themselves if I duct taped them to a pole. So much so, that I have literally in two days become the biggest, worst, meanest mommy dearest in all the land. I have Mother of the Year locked tight this year! I mean it's so bad that I actually feel bad and am beyond embarrassed. I was yelling at them so harshly last night that my throat hurts today and I'm pretty sure I heard one of them say that they thought I should be committed. UGH!

I don't know where it all went wrong. All the pressure to buy the perfect gifts, make the perfect food, look perfect, put a smile on my face, be nice to people I clearly don't want to, and so on. I heard someone on a TV show say, "fake it til ya can make it." I've got to make it my motto right now or there may be a few less children for Santa to deliver presents to, and a crazy wacko mommy banging her head in a warm padded room soon!

I've got to snap out of this and learn to enjoy the holidays for what they are. Time with my family that I don't ordinarily get. It's truly that simple. I am blessed with children who make me insanely crazy, yet teach me something new about myself every day. I am blessed with healthy parents who would drop everything to be by my side no matter what I do or say. I am blessed with friends who aren't afraid to tell me like it is, then turn around and make me pee from laughter. I am blessed with a partner who gave me hope in happily ever after again. He makes me smile and laugh and loves me for me. I am blessed with a roof over my head, food on the table, and some change in my pocket. And as much as I loath my ex for every rotten undermining comment, on top of his continal lack of respect toward me, I am thankful that I was able to get five great kids from him and that he continues to provide for them.


To me it's always the little things that matter most. I hope I can teach my kids that they don't always have to have the biggest and best of everything, and that hard work and determination ALWAYS pay off. It's so frustrating to me at the holidays when they think they are owed ALL the toys on their wish list. That somehow Santa has plenty of money and room for ALL that they want. We all want to give our kids the moon. But the reality is, they are lucky to get what they do. Oooooo here comes mean mommy again. Sneaks back in when I least expect it. But maybe that's the connection. Maybe I get so upset because I'd like to give them all that they want, and can't. However, the flip side is that they don't really need it all. And even if they had it all, it doesn't mean it would make them any happier or any more fulfilled. Makes sense to me! Now let me go explain that the a pre-teen, a have-to-have-everything son, an I'll-take-whatever-you-give-me son, and two six year olds who are happy playing with a one armed no hair Barbie. Life is good. And always unpredictable. Hand me my chocolate and a martini and all will be right with the world again....in February!

Bed Hogs....

No one ever tells you about all the BAD stuff that comes with being a mom. And I've come to the conclusion that maybe there's a perfectly simple explanation for that. Human existence would cease to exist.

Deep down we ALL love sloppy kisses, bone crushing hugs, over glued and glittered projects, goofy toothless smiles, boundless giggles, new discoveries, and so on. They all seem to melt away our frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, and fatigue. We want the best for our kids and above all, we want them to be healthy and happy for many many years. I wish we could wrap them in bubble wrap and protect them from hurt, harm, judgement, disease, disappointment, and disability. I wish we could stop worrying about insane people who could snatch them, take away their innocence, kill them, and try to cover it up. I wish mothers who kill their own children would take their own miserable lives instead. I wish our worst fears and nightmares never came to life.

I like to live in my own bubble where I believe nothing bad ever happens to anyone. Especially children. I never wanted children when I was younger. I couldn't understand all that neediness that goes along with them. And I couldn't understand why anyone would want to purposefully set themselves up for a life time of worrying. I changed my mind dramatically one early fall morning when I witnessed the birth of a good friends son. It was so moving. He was small and perfect and priceless. And I wanted one. Five children later I conquered the neediness fear. I still have not, nor will I EVER, let go of the constant worrying. Some days it eats me up, other days I have to believe and trust that I'm making the best decisions for them. Some days I'm good, other days not so much. But at the end of the day, when they are fast asleep, I am eternally thankful that they are all a part of my life, and that they are all healthy and alive.

I have a king size bed that I share with the dumb dog. I have been sleeping on the edge of it now for ten plus years. If it's not the dog sprawled out, it's my kids. Bad dreams, bad weather, sickly, needy, you name it. I've heard it all. I absolutely love my sleep. I am NOT a morning person. It drives me insane when they all pile in and start horsing around. But I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING in the world. Nothing at all. It is a constant reminder that even when they think they hate me, and that I'm the worst mother ever, deep down they love me with all their hearts. These are the stories we share with other moms so that there will be more children. This is why being a mom is priceless. This is why it is so incredibly devastating to hear that someone harms a child.

My wish for Christmas is that all missing children are finally accounted for, sick horrible people who prey on children are removed from this earth, and that love and laugher rein supreme for every child on Christmas morn. It seems like a huge undertaking for Santa. It seems like a huge undertaking for God. In reality, it's our own responsibility. And one we should never ever take lightly. EVER!

Persistence

I am absolutely one of those people who if you tell them they can't do something, I am hell bent on doing it and then some. I don't think I have ever told one of my friends that they can't or shouldn't do something. I may not agree with their decision, but I respect the fact that it is theirs, and let it go. The same does not always hold true for how they treat me.

Mind you I had an absolute blast with my two best friends this past weekend. That is until I overheard them whispering about me. Still makes me shake my head. I believe in best friends telling it like it is. No, sometimes things aren't easy to hear. But sometimes they are just plain hurtful. You can tell a friend to their face that you're supportive and non-judgemental. But the words that come out aren't always just that.

It seems as though we are so quick to judge others when something they are doing is not how we would do it ourselves. We are our own worst critics in life as it is. Having your friends beat you down on top of that just tends to wreck you. However in my case, it adds fuel to the fire.

I am not afraid to try and fail. I think that there is something to be learned each time you do. I think I am realistic and put 100% thought behind everything I do. I believe in myself and the life I am creating for my kids. I'm a good mom, good daughter, good girlfriend, and good friend. I treat people with kindness, even when I don't want to. I don't judge anyone. I believe that people make mistakes, and can make new choices that can correct the problem. I also believe that people make new choices that don't. I live my life constantly moving forward and reaching for the best. In both myself and the expectations I hold for those around me.

I don't fault my friends. But I also don't agree with their opinions. I also don't believe they can make an opinion without walking a day in my shoes. Their negativity and lack of support for the decisions I make only pushes me to strive harder and be better at ALL that I do. Or choose to do. I believe that persistence and patience pay out in the end. And that everything truly does happen for a reason. I believe that I will succeed, I will persevere, and I will reach the goals I have set for myself. I just need to remember that everything takes time. Smart decisions aren't rushed decisions.

Parent Teacher Conferences

I'm not sure who Parent Teacher Conferences evoke more anxiety to, kids or parents. I'm also going to throw my mother in there as well. She was a total basket case by the time I got home and again this morning on the phone. I think it's honestly a toss up. My kids absolutely wanted to go and absolutely wanted to tell me EVERYTHING before I went. I felt like I should be shining a light in their face and screaming, "TELL ME EVERYTHING, OR THE DOG GETS IT!" Only of course to be met with, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

If there is one thing I don't like, it's surprises. I don't like them for my birthday, Christmas, parent teacher conferences, nothing. Nothing ever good comes from them. My friend surprised me by flying in from Arizona to surprise my other friend for her graduation party. I was hungover for two days. See what I'm saying? Initially they have potential. But in the end, disaster strikes.

I am always pleasantly reminded of what a great son I have. He's so kind and thoughtful. Always participates, etc. My initial reaction is ALWAYS, "are you sure you're talking about my son? It's B-R-E-N-D-A-N not Brandon or his other friend Brendon." To which I immediately rush home and say to said child, "why can you be kind at school and yet treat me like garbage and hate me so at home?" I've renamed my son Sybil every year following conferences. One day, I'm going to have it permanently changed.

My twin girls? A whole different ball game. I was NOT prepared for the information I received. My prior post is truly going to come in handy for them at the rate they are going. It's so frustrating to find out your child is struggling. Last year one of the girls was having a hard time and the other was excelling. This year they have flip flopped roles. My very confident, boisterous, I don't give a sh#t what anyone thinks daughter is now the self doubting I can't do it queen. And on things she clearly knows! I don't understand it. When I came home and asked her I was met with HUGE tears and a "I don't want to be wrong." Wow! I had no idea that at such a young age children can act like an adult and be their own worst critic. Honestly, how do you explain to a six year old that it's OK to make mistakes and that sometimes we have to put ourselves out there, and sometimes fail, in order to learn? No matter how many ways you say it, to them it sounds like "she just told me to do it wrong and it won't matter." The translation is lost no matter how it comes out.

Now the guilt has set in. I'm a single mom trying to help five kids with homework that even I struggle to understand. I can't spend the kind of time and patience I'd like with each one of my kids. Granted that's two fold. The upside is that it teaches them independence and confidence. The downside is that if they are struggling, my time and knowledge is limited for helping them. Makes me question how anyone can home school, AND home school more than one child! My kids each struggle in different areas. They don't get all A's, but they also don't get bad grades either. They are smart, funny and I hope happy. And at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me. Rather than beat myself up over what I can't do, it's time I set a good example and show them all what I can. I may not be perfect, and I may make mistakes, but at least I'm trying.

No Shame

Times are tough. We've all felt the pinch. Higher gas prices, higher food prices, higher taxes, lay offs, blah, blah, blah. It's all depressing and seemingly never ending. However, there always seems to be one industry that withstands EVERY economic downturn, pitfall, debacle, you name it. Porn! The adult industry is ALWAYS booming. And let's face it, there's a little bit of porn envy in all of us. You absolutely cannot say you don't watch it. BECAUSE IT'S EVERYWHERE! And they make A LOT of money!!!!

Yes you heard me, it's everywhere. Soap opera's are soft porn. TV drama after 9pm is soft porn with a real plot. MTV reality shows? Porn, Porn, Porn...with no plot what so ever! You cannot turn on the TV and not watch it. In fact, I bet if you really let your imagination wander, there may actually be an underlying porn reference in most Disney movies. All I'm saying, right or wrong, is that it's out there.

Now, how many times have you heard of a stripper becoming Mayor? or a porn star becoming a lawyer? or some crazy thing like that. Seems like more often than we care to admit. So here's where I'm going with this. Brace yourselves. My twin daughters love to pole dance. They're six. For some reason the support poles in my basement have turned into some of the best pole dancing shows I've seen. I can say that because I actually watched a pole dancing competition on a TV in an upscale restaurant once. My girls made some of these women look like armatures.

My girls have it going on! I foresee bright futures for them...12 years from now! I tell them, "girls, there is no shame in how you make your money. Do what makes you happy!" It's not the pole dancing that concerns me. It's the fact that they hand make invitations for people to come watch them! When they start charging admission I'll know for sure they are both prodigy children sent from the heavens above. Savvy business woman who know how to make a buck so VERY early in life. And there was NO pun intended there people. They're six for crying out loud. Besides, I don't have any money to give them anyway!

I look at it two ways, if it pans out for them, we'll all be rich. Me because they will forever thank me for telling them to follow their dream and them because they're really talented. Or, I will have an absolute gut wrenching, tears streaming down my face laugh when I remind them at their weddings, and again in front of their own children, what great pole dancers they were when they were young! Priceless either way.

Music

I love music. I can listen to anything. Literally. Some days I like a little Tchaikovsky and others a little Eminem. I'm open to anything. I'd like to think that I have an ear for it as well. For example, I can hear a song one time, and know if it will be a hit or not. My kids are the same way. For the moment however, they all have different taste. That's ok. The only time it's not ok is when they all have their radios blasting something different. Makes me a tad crazy then.

I try to be the good mom and edit out songs that aren't appropriate. But, there was a time, when they had no idea what a swear word was, that I let them listen to anything. Now of course they have a very tainted vocabulary. The question becomes, how much do you shelter them? They already hear the words daily on the bus, slip from my mouth, correctly use them in a sentence, etc. Is music an art where expression of foul language is ok? I can't really answer that. Not when I'm prone to swearing like a trucker when I'm mad. Swearing is an art, right???

I was watching Ellen this week and she had on two of the most adorable girls that did a rendition of Nicki Minaj's Super Bass song. It was by far the most hysterical thing I've seen. So sweet and so talented. They sang the edited version of the song. Yet there were some viewers who felt that it was inappropriate for these two young girls to be singing it. My first thought was, "thank goodness they don't ride in my car!" Kid Rock is a staple at our house! But it got me thinking, what is on my kids iPods??? EVERYTHING!!! They have been listening to everything from Disney tunes to Katy Perry for years! And you know what? My kids don't swear because of the songs they hear. They swear because they know they aren't supposed to!

As adults we tell them that it's not ok. Yet in the next breath we call someone an a$$hole because they cut us off in traffic. I'm not condoning swearing. I'm just saying that we can't put the blame on an entire art form when we are guilty of saying stuff daily, or even occasionally, ourselves. My kids know that they've heard a "bad word", yet they just don't go spouting them off. Yes they come out every now and then. But again, punishing them for something we do just doesn't make sense. My job as a parent is to remind them that it's not appropriate and if I EVER hear them say foul words outside our home, they better run for the hills.

No they don't need Cee Lo Green's F#ck You, but I can let them listen to his Forget You. I don't think an occasional sh$t or a$$ is going to wreck my kids. Watching them dance around, singing at the top of their lungs, without a care in the world, is worth every bad word they hear or say. The words don't define them, the fact that they could give two sh*ts about looking and sounding like wounded animals is priceless. Music allows us to escape. I hope that my kids ALWAYS find comfort and fun in it. No matter what the lyrics say.

Starving

Why are we always "starving"? I mean honestly, we aren't REALLY starving. And trust me, if you're reading this, you aren't. Oh, unless you have an eating disorder. My apologies! But take my kids for example. First thing in the door, "MOMMMMMMMM!!!!!! I'm starving!!!!!!" My dad always says to them, "ya ate yesterday didn't ya?" Blank stares are the response to that. It's like they feel they reserve the right to eat me out of house and home. I may actually go bankrupt trying to feed these animals!

I bring all this up because I'm hungry and can't find anything to eat in the house. Mind you there is a ton of food. I just don't feel like cooking it and I really can't figure out what I have a taste for. Rather than just eating a bunch of junk, I'm going to sit here and ponder a bunch of crazy irrational thoughts.

There are starving people in the world. And it's truly heart breaking knowing that a lot of them are children. Knowing daily that some poor child is starving to death really makes me sick. We take sooooo much for granted when we have a roof over our heads and food on the table. I try to explain this to my kids whenever they complain that they don't like something I cooked. Which promptly falls on deaf ears and entices more complaining.

Last weekend I was at a Canadian Costco. It was their Thanksgiving weekend. There was an enormous table FULL of HUGE pumpkin pies. People were buying these things like it was their last meal. And at $5.99 a pie, who wouldn't? I wouldn't, because I don't like pumpkin pie. But the point is, there was an entire warehouse FULL of food and I did my best, as usual, to buy ALL of it. At least it seems that way EVERY TIME I go in there.

You can actually have lunch at Costco just from all the sampling. Why not put a Costco in Ethiopia and let those folks "sample" the food??? Genius right? Or how about all the fields and orchards where food can't be sold because it's considered damaged when it falls on the ground? All the food I throw out because I don't cook it before it goes out of code. The list of wastefulness goes on and on and on. Maddening actually. Down right disturbing really.

I love food. There isn't much I don't like. However, I don't understand people with eating disorders, I don't understand why there are starving people in the world, and I definitely don't understand obesity. And why is it that almost every disorder in the world involves food??? People eat when they are depressed, don't eat when they are depressed, eat when they party, eat A LOT when they partied too much, eat until they feel sick, don't eat at all, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat... It's almost as if food defines us as human beings. Some days it defines me as a giant chocolate bar, other days it defines me as a short order cook. I am constantly at a grocery store and constantly planning the next meal.

Some day when I go on strike, my kids may actually learn what it's like to starve. But for now, I've got to get off the computer and find something appealing for them to inhale so we can quickly race out the door to yet another after school activity involving rigorous exercise. And we all know that activity starts the eating cycle ALL over and ensues the infamous, "MOMMMMMMMMM!!!!! I'm starving!!!!!!"....vicious, vicious cycle.

Bad Mommy! Bad!

I have this internal debate with myself EVERY TIME one of my kids get sick. Especially since I come from a long line of, "you're fine" family members. I mean, I really hate to trek my kids to the doctor with every little cough or sniffle. But at what point does that little hack turn into a full blown something or other? The bigger question is, what dirty kid gave it to mine in the first place???

As I layed in bed last night listening to my sweet little child practically cough up a lung, I think, "hmmmmm, I'm soooo tired! Why now??". Followed by, "if I don't get up and get her something, she's going to barf. Then I'll have to clean that up." Never once did I think, "hope she's ok". I'm kidding! Ok, maybe I'm not. But I have to ask, why does this always happen at 11pm, 2am, 4am etc.? I just don't understand the logic. During the day she may cough a wee bit, but then she runs around like a maniac too! It's only the middle of the night where they fall apart and think they are beating down deaths door.

Needless to say, I get up and ask her if she'd like something to help her sleep and stop the coughing. I am met with a sweet little distraught face that says, "uh huh". Downstairs I go to my cupboard full of tricks, that mind you, do absolutely NOTHING except make your child run around as if on some maddening crack high. Followed by the inevitable crash and burn. Regardless, I bring it up, pour it, and am stared at with the, "there is NO WAY in hell I'm taking that" face. Sometimes I wish giving children medicine was like giving it to an animal. Pry open mouth and shove it down throat. No such luck. Believe me I've tried! After much pleading I get her to take a sip. Which is promptly followed by it being spit all over the bathroom, followed by it dripping down her clothes, followed by tears, followed by an "I'm gonna barf", followed by me yelling, "take the damn medicine because WE ALL NEED TO SLEEP!!! Including you!!!!"

Tears, drama, more yelling, a few gags, and a little more went down. Not much mind you. In fact I'm pretty sure I cleaned up more off the floor and the counter than actually went in her mouth. UGH! So back to bed she went. At this point I feel slightly bad. The poor kid feels like crap and all I want to do is make her feel better and get some sleep. Which eventually she did. Well, at least I think she did. I fell asleep.

This is how I know my kids are truly sick. If in the morning they can't move. Not even a cattle prod can get them out of bed. And yes, I have one. Nothing wrong with a little shock therapy. Yes she was still coughing and snotting all over, but she was up, ate breakfast, made her bed, got dressed, and brushed her teeth without me having to ask. No sick child there! Being Mother of the Year, I drugged her with an allergy pill and sent her on her way. And in the infinite words of wisdom that I hold I say as she walked out the door, "you'll be fine today!"

Drama Queen

Oh and the saga continues...the daughter who NEVER follows through. Honest to God, if this child becomes any more like her father, I may tell her to move in with him. Between the two of them and their wo always me, I'm not good enough, I can't follow through with anything crap, I may actually pull my hair out!

Last week a note came home about a Lego Club. It said they had some open spots and that by a lottery process, they were going to open it up, and let some extra students sign up. Of course my daughter begged and pleaded for me to sign the sheet because "her friend" was going to sign up too. Yes, we all know how this is going to shake out, right?! I explain to my daughter several things. First, there was no guarantee that her and her friend would both be picked or that they would be on the same team. Second, there was no guarantee that she would be picked. And third, she doesn't even like Lego's! "But mom, it's supposed to be soooo fun! I REALLY want to do this!!!" I go on to explain that since she doesn't even know what the club is about, that by signing up, she's actually taking away a spot for a child that may truly WANT to be in this club.

None of what I said mattered. I reluctantly signed the sheet in the hopes that she wouldn't get picked. A phone call yesterday informed me that she was indeed chosen. Just my luck. Another child to cart around, ANOTHER day of the week.

When I break the exciting news to said child, I am met with silence. Followed by a complete and total emotional break down, followed by stomping, door slamming, more tears and pleading that she quit before the club even has it's first meeting. Now I ask you, Are you fricking kidding me??????? Either my child has gone clinically insane on me or I am the worst mother in the world.

I am furious! Absolutely furious. Part of me wants to make her do it to show her she can't make a commitment and not follow through. And the other part of me wants to let her quit so I don't have to hear about it from now until December! Here's how my quandary was settled... "dad told me I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to..." Oh did he now??? SHOCKER!!!! This coming from the father who doesn't follow through with anything???? Rich I tell ya, just rich.

Said psycho child is now required to attend the Lego Club, enjoy it, and is absolutely NOT allowed to EVER ask to join another thing until the day I die. If you join a team, you stick with it. End of discussion. I may be hated for the rest of my life for this decision, but God willing, she will also know that quitting is NOT an option around me. Nor should it be for her in her life time either.

The Things We Endure

We have ALL been there. Mom's and Dad's alike. It's that time in the mall, the grocery store, the restaurant, the bus stop, literally ANYWHERE other people are around, and your child COMPLETELY falls apart. Now I have to admit, I have very mixed feelings about this. When I am out without my kids and I witness this, my initial reaction is, "ugh! I left home to get away from that!" Then the mom in me kicks in and thinks, "poor mom/dad! glad it's not me this time!"

It's such a fine line. At what point do you feel bad? At what point do you offer to help? I distinctly remember being at the grocery store a few years ago and a mother, a few check out isles over, had a little one just screaming. I'm talking out of control screaming. When I looked over, this poor woman was not only mortified, but absolutely exhausted and at her breaking point. Not one single person offered to help. Just stares of disgust and rude comments a plenty. In fact, my check out girl said, "glad they're leaving! Can you believe that?" I was so mad when I left the store and disgusted at myself for not offering to help, that I vowed I wouldn't let an opportunity like that pass again.

Of course I have, this morning actually. But again, what do you do? My poor neighbors kindergartner REFUSED to get on the bus. It was an all out war between mom and little guy. All of my neighbors, including myself, sat and stared rather than offer to help. Once again, that fine line comes in to play. Did she want our help? Was there anything we REALLY could have done? If I knew she didn't have to go directly to work, I would have offered her a shot!

These situations put our patience levels to a supreme test. Sometimes we win, sometimes everyone loses. My sitter used to tell me when I would fall apart, "you have to go in and check on your kids when they are sleeping. It not only gives you the strength to get through another day, but it reminds you that you love you them."

I guess I don't have an answer. Maybe I need to look at it from another view. What would I want someone to do? You're already feeling defeated because you feel like you can't control your own child. Do you really want some stranger stepping in? I don't know? So many times we tell people to mind their own business, or we're too proud to ask for help. In reality, help is really what we need. One random act of kindness right? Or one VERY LARGE margarita! Or sometimes a simple hug can cure it all. Is there a right or wrong here? I honestly don't know.

The Bus

Fair warning, I'm about to unleash my fury about the bus. Let me start out by saying, my children are no angels. I'm fully aware. However, there are some REALLY rotten kids out there. Some that live right up the street from me and unfortunately ride the bus with my children. URGH!!!!

About two years ago my son and his friend had an unfortunate incident on the bus where him and another boy were coaxed by older kids, and some rotten younger ones, into kissing. Long story short, both my son and his friend were given a bus ticket (a warning in writing) and punished by having to sit away from their friends and alone on a seat. Well, being the mama bear that I am, I refused to sign the bus ticket, argued with the principal and the bus garage, and yanked all five of my kids from the bus for the rest of the year. Keep in mind that NONE of the other children involved in this incident were cited or even punished. That alone, put me over the edge!

It's two years later and I'm still stewing. Never once did my son or myself get an apology from the culprits in the neighborhood. Because my son's friends mother is a teacher at the school, she got all types of apologies. I don't like to swear on this blog, but I think that calls for a big fat Bullsh#t!

Here's where I'm going with this. It's now the third week of school and those little animals are at it again. The bus is a nightmare. There is zero supervision. My two first graders are begging me to get a ride to school, my oldest, a fifth grader, has no desire to get on there at all, and BOTH my third grade boys have complained about the same little girl trying to get my son to kiss another boy AGAIN!!! Are you kidding me?! Who teaches their kids that it's OK to bully and bribe and pick on other kids???? It's nauseating.

There will be a thorough grilling this afternoon, followed by a phone call tomorrow to the bus garage, followed by me carting my kids back and forth the rest of the school year. It's a total pain for me. But the alternative is foul language, situations young children should absolutely NOT be privy to, total chaos, lack of respect for the driver, a driver blaming ALL the wrong children, multiple drivers for the same route, and overall total mayhem. I pay my taxes! I don't want to pay for rotten teachers that hate going to work everyday or for bus drivers who can't pull it together. I have had it already! To pour salt in a very deep wound, I have eleven more years of this garbage!!!

Wouldn't it be great to say, "hey, until you fix all the crap my tax money goes to, I'm not paying you another dime!" Hell, people get fired from their jobs for less! Yet it's OK to continue to pay people for a job they aren't doing???? Reminds me of the weatherman. It's the only job in the world you can continually be wrong and still have a job. Education should not fall into this category. Transportation should not fall into this category. And most of all my children should not have to be the ones that suffer from someone else's lack of responsibility.

Something needs to be done about the buses so that our kids can get to and from school without incidents. Assigned seats, adult bus monitors, cameras, I don't care what it is. If that's what my tax money is going for, than I'm all for it. Beats me fighting with neighbors, the school and the bus garage! Not to mention saving me time and gas money. Jeez life was simpler when all I had to complain about was my babies refusing to nap!!! Bigger kids, bigger problems. Never ends!

Boys....

Do I really need to say anything more??? In fact I'm shaking my head as I type. I've decided that you just NEVER know what's going to come out of them. Literally!!! I try to believe I live in that Disney fantasy world where they are charming, sweet, love their mother, and protect their sisters. Let me just put it this way, Walt Disney was CLEARLY a cruel, cruel man when he created all those grandiose images of what life could be like. I mean honestly, he killed off Bambi's mother! That should say something right there!

I have long been a believer that I need to shelter my children from things. Yes I realize now that I can't. Case in point. About a year ago my boys discovered the word "fart". Do you see where I'm going with this? I never used the word around them, and never made any big deal about it when any of them did "toot". However, now that they know that farting is indeed ALWAYS funny, along with the word itself, it has snowballed down to my girls. Who can apparently make any trucker look like a saint. There is no shame among my children. None what so ever.

As I lay in bed the other night listening to my boys talk before they fell asleep, my hawk like ears perked up when I heard my older son say to his brother, "who farts the loudest in your class?" Choking back my laughter I thought, "do kids really know this kind of information?". Well, according to my other son, ABSOLUTELY. My younger son had no problem throwing some poor gas infested child in his class under the bus. But the worst part about it was that my oldest then said, "I fart the loudest in my class." Just gross! Yet strangely, I felt proud.

The conversation then moved from not just farting, but on to pooping as well. Once again my sons proved that clearly I cannot shelter them from "big people" words. The sentence I heard was, "someone opened the door while he was taking a dump". Now I ask you, what the hell happened to my babies????? A dump? Really??? We do NOT talk like that at my house! Well, at least I didn't think so! Obviously I need to go back to third grade and get a lesson in language!!! I used to think my mom and dad didn't know anything either. Apparently, I now fall into that category too. It's actually depressing.

Although, I was able to redeem some sense of credibility when my younger son came home from school the other day and said, "MOM, guess what? I went into the boys bathroom and there was pee ALL around the toilet!!! I mean a puddle! It was ALL around the bottom!" I looked my shocked son in his sweet little blue innocent eyes and replied, "have you looked in your own bathroom lately? or sat on the wet toilet seat associated with YOUR bathroom?". After a long pause he said, "but there was a puddle ALL around the toilet at school." And ever so politely I said, "yes tiny, there IS a puddle ALL around YOUR toilet here." Speechless and confused, he walked away. Quietly I thought, one step forward, two steps back...and then went up to clean the puddle.

Woo Hoo!!

I had the most amazing run this morning. My love/hate relationship with running goes like this: I hate cold nasty weather, I dread going out into it, I love running, and out the door I go. Complaining the ENTIRE time. My friend Sean asked me once, "do you ever stop bitching during a run?" Nope. During races I'm worse! Needless to say, I haven't run with Sean in a while.

Today's run actually put a smile on my face the entire time. I absolutely dreaded going today because it was pouring down rain. Even the dog looked at me like I was crazy. But running in the rain isn't a big deal until you stop. That cold, wet, yucky feeling makes me say I hate running even more. However, this time I had new tunes on my ipod and a "let's get this done" attitude going.

Within the first mile, both the dog and I were drenched and covered in mud. To say she was less than amused was an understatement. I gave into the dread when we crossed the highway and like a kid, started looking for EVERY mud puddle, and puddle, I could find. I laughed and jumped into as many as I could. Because my dog is afraid of her own shadow, every time I jumped she thought for sure I was going to beat her. By the about the fifth one we were both a total wreck. Me grinning from ear to ear and her not so daintily running through every puddle too. Normally, the 65 pound lap dog, avoids water like it's acid.

So it got me thinking. Ah to be a kid again. To get dirty and not have a care in the world. I worked my children like slaves this weekend. They all dusted and vacuumed their rooms, changed their sheets, and cleaned the basement. I only asked once. Clearly these were aliens who replaced MY children who have to be asked at least 20 times to complete the simplest of tasks. But they did it without one word of complaint too. And as I sat there at night looking back on the day, I thought "what a total waste". What's a clean house worth anyway? Peace of mind? Yes, absolutely. But at what expense? Did they learn a valuable lesson in responsibility? Yes, absolutely. But what did they gain from losing time just being a kid? There has to be a fine line in there somewhere. And I guess looking back today, maybe there was. I wasn't yelling, the radio was blasting out some really fun tunes, the jobs got done in record time, and they still got to play MOST of the day with their friends. Of course it didn't hurt that I took them out for dinner because they were so great either!

I think in the end it comes down to this, take the time to have fun and get dirty, because everything washes out at the end of the day anyway. Opportunity is everything. Take every moment and run with it like you were just discovering the fun of a giant puddle for the first time.

Harness Them Up!

No, I'm not talking about boobs. Though that may be a future topic now that I think about it. I'm talking about dogs. I love animals. More so when they aren't mine. But, being the sucker that I am, you all know I caved last winter and adopted the "special" dog. I call her special because she makes a rock look smart sometimes. God love her, she is just dumb as a stump.

Here's where I'm going with this. Keep your dogs on a leash when you are out in public. Not everyone is a dog lover. Not everyone loves animals. Nothing irritates me more than when some moron lets their dog run loose while they are out for a walk. I am sooooo conscience about others while I'm out with my crazy animal, that I literally choke her to death pulling her out of the way of ANYONE walking past. I just think it's so rude to let your animal near someone you don't know. Especially now a days when people can sue you for anything under the sun.

Today while out running, we took a trail. At the fork in the trail there was a rather sketchy looking man looking around like he was bird watching. I didn't think twice about it, except for where is the nearest weapon in case he attacks me. As we headed around the corner there was a dog. Not a large dog and one that I thought was friendly until it nearly took a chunk out of my dog and my dog almost dragged me down the path trying to flee. No leash and an owner who simple told his dog to shut up as he casually walked over to grab the collar. Really?! Shut up?? How about, I'm sorry my dog attacked you??? Nope, nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

Thankfully neither of us were hurt. But the thing that gets me is NOT this man's blatant disregard for my safety, it's the fact that this isn't the first time this has happened to me while running. I had a pit bull chase me out of it's yard, down the street and nip at my calf without it's owner ANYWHERE in site. A friend of mine was running and was attacked and ended up with stitches without that dogs owner even knowing what had happened. Honest to God, are dog owners that insensitive to others well being? I get that accidents happen. But these incidents were no accidents. They were pure and simple stupidity on grossly negligent owners.

It's not rocket science, it's common sense. Above that it's common courtesy. Plain and simple.

Oh Buddah

I happen to catch the Doctor Oz show yesterday while I was getting supper ready for the kids. I have to say it's been on my mind since then. Honestly, I like this guy. He seems to know what he's talking about and he's compassionate about solving even the most intimate medical issues.

Yesterday he was discussing women over 40 and their unwanted, embarrassing belly fat. I've got to admit, I'm one of these women. It doesn't matter how much we exercise, the belly remains. There were woman who named their belly, woman who religiously exercised, vigorously dieted, went under the knife, women who had had children, woman who hadn't, and so on. The result was the same. Shame, disgust and frustration.

I remember one mom saying to me that she was proud of her stretch marks. It proved that she was woman enough to handle pregnancy. At the time I thought good for her, but definitely NOT for me. I hated my belly, and still do. My OB/GYN calls it twin skin. I gave him the finger at that comment. God love the man, but really?! UGH!

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a little gal. I run a lot, I eat fairly healthy, and have a small addiction to sweets (ok LARGE, but who's counting?!). It doesn't matter what I do, the skin is still there, and unless I'm laying down, I keep that part of my body covered. I did venture to "try" a bikini for the first time in 20 years, last year. My man thought I looked great! I was self conscious and forever wrapping up any time I left my beach chair. Here's the kicker! I'm more embarrassed about my sagging belly than my tiny boobs! You'd think at my age neither would matter. And trust me, I could care less what other people think. It's the pressure and the judgement we place on ourselves that is the harshest and most damaging. We are our own worst enemies at any given time.

Dr. Oz offered some suggestions that I absolutely plan on trying. But I'm not thoroughly convinced it's going to make my belly "look" any different. Every time I'm bloated at least one of my children ask if I'm having another baby. Since I can't give them the finger, I just give them a dirty look. I'm not against trying something new, I'm not against it at all. In fact, I read a quote today that I considered a sign that I should without a doubt try the Dr. Oz method. "Progress is impossible with out change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."- George Bernard Shaw

Wisdom is knowledge. In this case, I'm hoping knowledge brings on a positive change. If not, we can all thank God for the woman who invented Spanx!!!

Always The Bad Guy

Honestly, the title says it all. I am the mom, I am always the bad guy. Being a single mom does NOT help the situation. Not one bit. However, there has to come a time when I have to put my foot down. Whether I'm right or not has absolutely nothing to do with the circumstance at hand. It comes down to principal, and in my children's case, prior commitments. Or lack there of.

I no sooner walked in the house last night and my oldest daughter started in on me. She DESPERATELY wanted to join the orchestra at her school. My initial reaction to her request was no. Followed by a more forceful no. Followed by a screaming and crying match. Followed by a "fine, I'll pay for it myself". Followed by an absolutely NOT. And finally, a no, because you won't stick with it.

I played an instrument, a few actually, so it's not that I have a problem with her actually playing one. My problem is this. SHE NEVER FOLLOWS THROUGH ON ANYTHING. I know we aren't supposed to say "always, never, anything, or everything" during an argument. And I try VERY VERY hard not to. However, her track record precedes her and with the rest of my kids already in VERY expensive sports, the idea of one more place to cart one more child to, or one more expense that won't pan out, puts me a tad over the edge.

I happen to catch a part of the Today show with Kathy Lee and Hoda this morning. They were interviewing Solei Moon Frye. Apparently she wrote a book called Happy Chaos. Solei went on and on about how much she loved being a mom and truly learned to embrace all the chaos of being one. Blah, blah, blah. I love being a mom too. But let's be honest. It's not all its cracked up to be some days. AND, the chaos isn't too bad when you ONLY have two toddlers. I'm not sure she realizes what's in store for her a few years down the road. God bless her if she still feels this way in 10 years.

I can embrace chaos too. However, at some point you have to keep a lid on it AND be the bad guy. I can be my kids friend all day long and play and make a mess just as well as any two year old. However, at the end of the day, I'm the mom, I'm the boss, and what I say goes. I've had to admit I was sorry or wrong a few times in the past 11 years. But all in all, I'd like to think that my kids respect the fact that it is only me and that they may not get EVERYTHING they want, they get more than what they NEED. Compared to most third world countries? it's a hell of a lot.

Ho Hum.....

Oh whatever shall I do now that my wonderful, happy, healthy children are back at school????? Enjoy the silence that's what I'm doing!!! No more, "I'm bored!", "He spit on me!", "I hate her!", "You're a meanie!", "What's for lunch?", "I'm starving!!!!" (this ALWAYS followed a full meal mind you). And the list goes on.

Some days I like to believe one of my five children will grow up and realize I'm not such a bad mom and take care of ME. Other days I believe I don't pay the therapist enough. Nor will I ever stop paying her!

Yes summer is officially over. Waa! But hurray for school and the sense of routine it brings to all of us. It's comforting and consistent. And though my children will NEVER admit to it, they have looked forward to it for the past month. Too much togetherness creates nothing but chaos. Chaos breads disaster. Disaster unfolds into Mommy drinking LOTS to numb the whole existence of their being!

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and do EVERYTHING for them. However, there is a reason we grow up and MOVE FAR AWAY from our parents. So many different personalities can only be expected to be civil for so long. Eventually someone is going to lose it. And in our house it creates a trickle down effect. Even the dog has enjoyed the silence these last two days!

Though the days of summer seem a distant blur now, the end of baseball, a dance recital, a three week trip to the cottage, swimming lessons, a week of movies with Dad, a trip down the west side of the state, countless yelling matches, endless laughter, and one broken ankle later, we all survived and lived to tell our stories.

So now what? Well, horseback riding continues, hockey starts, and so does dance. Dinner, homework, sports, and lots of driving. All in all I can't complain. No one listens when I do anyway. But I will say, life is good, some days are better than others. At the end of the day I can colapse and say "thank god that's over and I'm not in jail!" Phew! It's the little things in life.

Life Happens

I know, I know, you missed me didn't you? Life has a way of, well getting in the way sometimes. The entire month of March all six of us were horribly sick. Getting on the computer was not what I felt like doing. I did, but nothing that required me to think. So here I am, back and armed with new intimate details of my motherly life.

I have to make this quick, because not only do I need to get back to my writing, but I need to get back to my running. All things about me have fallen by the wayside these past couple months. Not a good idea when you are a mom. I have said time and time again, it is SO important to remember to take time for yourself so that you can regroup and be a better mom. Ok so my boyfriend took me to the Dominican for a week in April. What?! that was a LONG time ago. Four whole weeks! Boo Hoo! I want to go back! I have no shame hawking tshirts to tourists on the beach!

As reality has it, here I am in Michigan, jobless and carting my kids everywhere. AGAIN! As you know my kids started a chore chart back in January. We did great up until we all got sick in March. Being the great mother that I am, I told them since we were all so sick I'd give them a free pass for March and they could decide a reward. They chose a hotel and swimming. Great idea? Not so much. I won't say where we went this past weekend. I will say that my kids had a blast and all I wanted to do was leave and scrub each of them with a bottle of bleach! It wasn't that the location was dirty. It was the other clientelle in the water that concerned me. I have always prided myself on being an openminded individual. But even I have to draw the line at some point! I saw children get in the water that should clearly NOT be in. I broke up one fight, told one child to knock it off, and told countless others to stop running on the pool deck. Mind you, NONE of these children were mine! Where were these kids parents you ask?? I have no clue! All I knew was that I rounded my kids up at one point and marched them back to the room so that Mommy could regroup with a hefty vodka.

I have never been so happy to come home in my whole life. There is something about your own home and your own things that make you feel at peace. Scrub yourselves children, keep scrubbing til Mommy sees skin falling off!!! Ugh! Never again. I was perfectly happy being the mean mom that NEVER did anything nice or fun for my kids.

Expert Cleaner

I used to pride myself on my cleaning expertise. I come from a long line of "psycho" cleaners. As you know, I have no emotional attachment to anything, and freely throw away anything and anyone that doesn't meet my standards.

With five kids I run my house like a military boot camp. Beds are neatly made, clothes are put away, toys are not allowed to stay out, floors are swept and washed, bathrooms are clean, yadda, yadda, yadda. However, as I sat here this morning admiring my "everything has a place, everything in it's place" home, I about choked on my oatmeal.

Glorious sun, oh glorious sun, where have you been?? Hiding! and go back there please until I clean what I have apparently been missing for the last two weeks!!! Are you kidding me?! I know I wiped the walls and doors. I know I cleaned that mirror. I know I cleaned the TV screen. I know I dusted!!!! Imagine my horror when I started to look around and see EVERYTHING that I missed. Shocked and appalled is how I feel right now.

I try to be the Eco-friendly cleaner too. But I'm sorry, bleach is my best friend. Just because you need a gas mask when you walk in my door, doesn't mean you're going to drop over dead. I mean lets be honest. If sterilizing my house means I'm also sterilizing it's inhabitants, I won't be too upset. Frankly, there are some of my kids that just should not reproduce. Yes, mother of the year, I know. But, chaos breeds germs, germs breed sick children, sick children cost time and money at the doctor.

So off I go to with my Hazmat suit for more cleaning. Mind you, I realize it only stays clean while the kids are at school. It ALL completely falls apart the minute they come in the house. Vicious cycle and a total waste of time. But in my crazy psycho cleaning world, it's worth the five minutes it looks good.

Wonders NEVER Cease

Do you ever have one of those days where you think, "really?! did that idiot just say that to me??" I don't care who you are or what you call it, when someone says something utterly preposterous or asks a completely ridiculous question, you should have every right to rudely respond or slap that person.

Yes I'm on my soap box again. And I can honestly say, people never cease to amaze me with their completely unwarranted comments. Take my girlfriend for example. She just had a baby a week ago. Poor thing. I tried to warn her of all the grief she was about to encounter when traveling in public. But having to deal with her mother in law, should be grounds for more than just a slap or two. Her mother in law, after learning the baby's name, had the gall to say, "what other names did you have picked out?" who says that??? Even being an outsider, I interpreted that to mean, "let's pick something else."

My ex husband was and still is famous for treating me like I'm a completely worthless idiot. Like I should bumble around all day with a helmet on in case I can't function in day to day activities. Just when I think I've heard every dumb, ridiculous question or comment come out of his mouth, he never fails me by asking or saying another. Part of me still gets irritated, other parts of me want to beat him senseless, and the rational side of me reminds me of why I unloaded him in the first place. Then I have a good yelling at him (from afar), and laugh at how remarkably dumb he really is. And how, after all these years, he STILL has absolutely no idea who I am or how intelligent I am.

The grocery store is another place for wandering idiots. I have five kids. They eat A LOT. I'm a size 00. Clearly I cannot eat all the food that is overflowing out of my cart. I firmly believe that if one more person rudely admires my load, they may actually have to take me out of the store in handcuffs or a straight jacket. "Wow, I'm glad I'm not paying your check!"; "Boy, you have A LOT in there!"; "Thank you so much for shopping here!"; "Hope you have a truck to get all that home!"; "You're going to need another cart."; "There's no way that will all fit back in there."; "How many ARE you feeding??"; "Are you going to eat all that? ha ha ha". The old people with their pint of milk, a loaf of bread, and some lunch meat are the worst. They just give me disgusted looks.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made it this far in life if I was a bumbling idiot. I'm pretty sure I couldn't have possibly raised, fed, clothed, and managed day to day household activities of five kids if I was an idiot. I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle all the bill paying, garbage to the curb, yard work, plumbing, drywall, and painting repairs if I was an idiot. And I sure as hell couldn't have run four marathons, three ultra marathons, and countless other races, all while juggling a divorce, a hospitalized ex husband, attention to my five kids, boy friend, family, and friends, if I was an idiot.

The old saying is true, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all." If I had to reword that, "If you have nothing of worth to add to my life, mind your own business."

Love Affair

I'm going to come clean. I'm having an affair. I'm not really sure what else you would call it at this point. I love chocolate. There is just no denying it anymore.

I can't say for sure how long it's been going on. Maybe my whole life. In fact, I'm pretty sure it has been a life long affair. However, it wasn't until recently that I would classify it as an affair. Here are some of the signs that indicated I MAY have a problem: I hide it in the hopes that I won't want another piece; I sneak it when I think no one is looking; I make special trips to mysterious places to get it; I dream about it; it's on my mind constantly; I make excuses as to why I should have more; I can't stop the temptation and give in regularly; I believe it loves me unconditionally; I believe it is there for me in my times of need; I believe it will never let me down; I put it on almost everything because I can't live without it; I am in love with chocolate.

There I said it. I hear the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem. Wait! I don't have a problem (yes, that's denial). I just don't care any more. I mean really?! Who doesn't love a chocolate martini, chocolate eclair, chocolate with caramel, chocolate beer, chocolate fondue, chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate chips, hot chocolate, chocolate cake, chocolate pudding, brownies, hot fudge, fudge, chocolate coffee, flowers that are chocolate, double chocolate cookies, chocolate cupcakes, do I need to continue?

I am NOT giving up my love affair with chocolate. I'm also NOT sharing. This is one affair I will take to the grave. And if I have my way, I'm going down with a chocolate martini in one hand and dark chocolate Reece's in the other. The Devil will just have to make room for me and my stash.

Typical Mom Cave In

I have always prided myself on being very strong willed. And technically I am. When I want something there is absolutely NO stopping me. In fact as much as it drives me nuts, my children's constant badgering when they want something, is an obvious genetic trait. I really can't fault them.

I held out three months. I thought for sure I'd make it longer. Apparently everyone else knew and was surprised I had made it that long. Saturday afternoon I welcomed a two year old Redbone Coonhound into our lives. There was only a few people who knew she was coming. We met her floppy eared, droopy faced, paranoid of adults self on Wednesday. To make a long story short, her current owner couldn't keep her due to subdivision laws, the owner before that couldn't keep her because they were moving to a condo that didn't allow animals, and since I'm a total sap for all of that, I went home and did some research on that breed. Not a single thing that I read Wednesday night turned me away. EVERYTHING was positive about this type of dog. Including the ultimate: excellent with children.

I called the vet Thursday morning and asked their opinion. Again, nothing but praise for the breed. By Thursday afternoon I had called the lady and made arrangements to pick her up Saturday afternoon. She wasn't here five minutes and moved right in. Her and the cat got along, she hasn't barked once, she went for a six mile run with me and never even broke a sweat, and most importantly, I completely surprised my kids Sunday when they came home from their dads. It was instant love.

I hope over time her nerves will calm and she'll trust us to know that she's here for the long haul. This is her last home and hopefully the best. Welcome home Daisy!!

Multiple Children

Believe it or not, there was a time when I NEVER wanted kids. They made me nervous and irritated. I worked in a toy store when I was sixteen. Need I say more? It wasn't until I was 27 that I changed my mind. Four years later, I had my first. Then they kept coming.

I never do anything small. I always push the envelope and go big. Why not? You are supposed to get the most out of life, and I fully intend to do that.

This weekend was my weekend with the kids. When they left for school Friday I was SO mad at all of them. I told myself I was never going to do anything fun or nice for them again. I'm a sucker, pure and simple. And, I love my kids. I chalk it off to my usual morning tyrants. By the afternoon, I've calmed down, and think, "wow, I really overreacted this morning." So what to do to fix it? I decided I'd make pizza and we'd have a picnic on the floor. When they got home, they thought I was the coolest mom ever. Problem solved.

By Saturday, everyone hated me again, and couldn't wait to get away from me. Three of them decided to go to friends and spend the night. I was left with my two little ones. Being as it was the night before their birthday, I was kind of feeling nostalgic. It was nice just the three of us. Kind of like the night before they were born. Minus the panicked ex-husband, hysterical mother, and ten different nurses monitoring me every half hour.

When I taught my moms exercise classes, all the moms used to say, "I don't know how you do it! I can't even handle one!" My response was always the same, "One is VERY hard! You are the sole entertainment source. With multiple kids they entertain one another." I have to be honest, going from five down to two was like heaven! They listened, I didn't have to yell, and I once again believed there was a God!

Of course you realize it all came to a screeching halt the minute they all came home, the ex and his mother came for the birthday celebration, and the chaos of present opening and cake induced sugar highs prevailed. I no longer need to wonder why I'm crazy. I just know.

Memory

I have the worst memory ever. In fact it has never been good. I would study for tests for hours, days, and still do horrible. By the next day I couldn't even begin to tell you what I just wasted all that time on. My girlfriends used to say, "remember when we went to that party and we saw..." Nope, not a clue. My next question is always, "did I have a good time?". Ugh! I'm just hopeless.

My uncle had a photographic memory! Obviously that gene got lost somewhere. Because I honestly don't think I'd remember my name if I didn't hear it occasionally. Most days it's "MOM!!!!!!!!". That I just downright ignore.

Regardless, twice I came up with an idea for something to write today. And twice I forgot it. The second time I told myself to write it down. I forgot to do that too. I'm a mess. I've read that people with my disease, CRS (can't remember sh#t), should do puzzles, read, learn a new language, stuff that stimulates your brain. Exercise it if you will. I guess those books didn't know that I have five kids, a house to run, clothes to wash and fold, bills to pay, driveway to clear, and food to cook. The only brain stimulating I do, is when I sit down on Thursday nights and watch Jersey Shore. No wonder I can't remember anything! That mindless TV kills several brain cells.

And for the record, I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to come up with something else to write. It's not coming to me. I had a thought but it's gone. As my grandpa used to say, "give me a minute. It'll come back around." Nope, not this time. But I will say this to prove my point. I just went back to look at some of my other posts. I've written about my lack of memory twice! This is now the third time. Clearly I can't remember sh*t! Where's my coffee??? Oh, it's going to be a long day.

Animals

Most people that know me know that I used to be an animal lover. Notice the words used to be. I was always the first to bring home strays, find homes for lost dogs, volunteer for the Humane Society, adopt the sad faced take me home dog, house sit for pets, and so on. However, those days have long since passed. Now they are like grandchildren to me, I'm glad they are someone else's responsibility.

Many years ago I volunteered at a cat show. To say those people are crazy is an understatement. It was not at all what I expected it to be. As I was sitting there minding my own business, because you are not allowed to touch or talk to anyone, especially the cats, a woman approached me and asked if she could give me a free book. I love to read and will always accept a free book. Well, we all know NOTHING is free. For the next hour I had to hear ALL about the inhumane treatment of animals all over the world. I of course representing the Humane Society, and being young and naive, had no idea what she was talking about. By the time I read the book and put two and two together, I realized she was representing PETA.

Don't get me wrong. I would love for those that abuse animals to have done to them what they have inflicted on poor innocent creatures. I have no tolerance for abuse. However, as most of you also know, I am NOT a morning person. I have decided I have no problem learning to operate a 22 with night vision scope to take out the neighbors dog who barks CONTINUALLY day and night; particularly at 6am. I'm sorry, but I have owned animals my whole life. I don't care who you are, allowing your animal to disrupt an entire neighborhood at ridiculous hours is unacceptable. The sad part is that I really don't think the owners would mind if I did. I know my neighbors would be thrilled.

This poor dog, an ankle bitter no less, is let out and left out at ridiculous times. She would bark at the air if she thought it was moving. The owners don't want her inside because she barks in there too. Call me crazy, but here's an idea- obedience school or a bark collar. Both are available! You wanted the animal, it's a part of your family, take the time to care for it. Seems simple to me. I'm just done with this poor neglected dog. In my youth, I would have just walked over and offered to take the thing. Now I'm about to walk over and take it out.

I've had my coffee, my anger has subsided, and being the nice person that I am, will just call animal control at 6am tomorrow. Someone needs to stick up for the neighborhood, and the dog. I'm just tired of listening to both bark!

My Daughter, The Slob

Capricorns are supposed to be efficient, responsible, goal-oriented, steadfast, and ORGANIZED. My ten year old daughter is a Capricorn, she is none of these. I keep hoping they will come in time. But in her case, it is not looking good.

I love this kid more than anything and will even go as far as to say she's my favorite (so I tell them ALL that, big deal). But she has got to be the biggest slob I know. She always has been. When she first started eating, and because she was my first, all the books said to let her use her hands, explore the food, touch, taste, sample, understand it. Are you kidding me?? I did not make this mistake with the other four. To this day, you can find Grace ANYWHERE! There is ALWAYS a pile of food where she made a sandwich, ate the sandwich, left the sandwich, wandered with the sandwich, and so on. This theory applies not only to food with her, but everything she owns or touches. If she gets a glass of milk, there is milk all down the front of the cupboard, the cap on another counter, milk jug on the table, and the glass who knows where. She unknowingly creates a scavenger hunt for me to find things before they rot. And believe me, that has happened.

It's not just the food issue that sets me off, but it's homework, clothes, shoes, hats, mittens, coats, toys, game pieces, literally everything she puts her hands on. It would be different if she had her own whacked out filing system for these things, but she doesn't. She has no clue where anything is or will blame one of the others for touching it. It's a vicious cycle with her.

I am always the first to say what goes around comes around. My mother right now is having a field day with this saying. "Julie, you used to be so bad I had to shut your door. I just couldn't stand the mess." I, being a Capricorn myself, find this very difficult to believe! Preposterous really. Granted, I used to hate to make my bed, but everything else in my room was right where it was supposed to be. I didn't leave stuff out, I didn't leave food to rot, I didn't leave a survival trail of crumbs, I didn't lose my homework or clothes or toys, I put my stuff away. I question my mothers recollection of many things. To her I'm sure an unmade bed made for a disastrous room. But to say I was a slob just doesn't make ANY sense.

To this day, I live by the words, "Everything has a place, everything in it's place". I have to with five kids. When people come in my house they wonder if I really have kids. It's clean, things are put away, beds are made, etc. I have absolutely no qualms about throwing ANYTHING out. My neighbor once looked at my pile of trash and asked, "do you have anything left in your house?" Not much. Clutter makes me crazy. My daughter makes me crazy. I can only hold out hope that one day she will out grow this and become a true Goat like the rest of us.

Library Day

My kids love to go to the library. I dread every minute of it. For several reasons. First and foremost, the old women who work at our local library are by far the meanest, rudest, most unhelpful women alive. And second, they LOVE to tell me how lacking my parenting skills are. Why I continue to agree to go to that library is beyond a doubt an absolute mystery to me. Glutton for punishment I suppose.

This morning at 6:15am my phone beeps. Email. My first thought is, "honestly, what is so frickin important that I need to be emailed at this time?" With one eye open I peer at the culprit who has violated my sleep. It's the library warning me to return a book on tape that was due in December. And when I say warning, I mean warning. It states they will continue to fine me if I don't promptly return the item. Not only am I furious that I'm awake, but I am beyond hysterical with rage at this library notice. I returned that book, along with several others, EARLY because I was going out of town. In fact, I am acutely aware of this particular book, because my boys loved it SO much they were very upset I had to return it.

Oh the dilemma. It's 6:15am and there is nothing I can do to rectify this situation. I am just stewing thinking of all the evil words that are going to come out of my mouth when I get there. By 8:30am I am so worked up that I have to go for a run. By the time I shower, take my girls to lunch, and get there, I am ready to tell those old bags to get a search warrant if they don't believe I returned the book. I mean honestly, how else would you prove you returned something? It's your word against their computers.

As calmly as I can, and noticing immediately two younger women working the front desk, I walk up and explain my email, the date I returned several items, and the names of those items. After the gal explains to me that sometimes things don't get logged back in, she walks over to the shelf and low and behold finds the item I returned. "I'm glad that was easy. We'll just clear your record", she says. Clear my record??? Like I'm some kind of criminal! Now I'm even more mad! First I'm rudely awakened with threatening email, then waste my time driving to the library, and then insulted. Knowing full well my children will trick me into going there again, I say thank you and leave. I hate the library. Yet one more reason for me to shop online!

Chore Chart

I've come to the conclusion that completely losing it with my kids is a total waste of time. It's like the old Peanuts TV show, "wa wa, wa wa wa wa". They tune everything right out! But give them a reward and they're all ears.

I'm not that naive to just hand out rewards. There has to be something in it for me. Let's face it, it is all about me. What kids??? Who are these little people that keep calling me mom??

The chore chart cometh. I'm tired of doing things that they should clearly be responsible for. I don't look at it as slave labor, though Social Services may think otherwise. I look at it as life skills learned at an early age. There is absolutely no reason a five year old can't change sheets or put clean clothes away. The central vac is easy enough to operate that cereal crumbs should be a thing of the past. And who doesn't think those Swiffer dusters aren't a blast to use? I'm not asking them to clean the toilets, though the thought has crossed my mind for the boys!! URGH! But there comes a point where a mom just gets tired of asking over and over and over again for the simplest of tasks to be completed.

I was smart this time. I made this a family effort with a family reward system. No individual gets rewarded for completing their chores. EVERYONE has to complete EVERYTHING for the day or no star. If there are enough stars at the end of the month, we'll do something fun as a family. This month they chose skiing. We'll see how they fair. If I have to remind any one of them more than three times to complete their chore for the day, there is no star for anyone. It gives me such an absolute sense of empowerment to say, "this is the second time I've asked. If I have to ask again there won't be a star for anyone today." And you can only guess how irritated the others who have done their chores are at the sound of that warning! Ahhh to be queen. It's a rough job being the ruler of the family. But with the right strategy, it's possible to achieve greatness. Without yelling I might add!

Again, you just don't mess with mama bear! I don't mind protecting my young, but I also see nothing wrong with eating one of them either.

Reality TV

I don't watch TV often. In fact, I have so many shows Tivo'd I will never watch, that I should turn the machine in and save myself some money each month. I like to live in my bubble where nothing bad happens to anyone. Every time I get the urge to turn it on, there is ALWAYS some tragedy being reported. Does ANYTHING good ever happen in the world???

Then there is reality TV. I will admit to watching Jersey Shore. The first time I tuned in, was a year ago and I swore I'd never watch it again. I mean really? Who talks, looks and acts like that?? My mouth hangs open and I shake my head every time I see it. But, it's like a train wreck. You just can't look away.

I heard that these kids make $30k an episode. Seriously?! All that for being young, dumb and apparently full of come! It's truly amazing to me! I once went through customs with my five kids. The border guy says, "WOW, you've got a lot of kids! Have you ever seen John and Kate plus 8?" If it hadn't been for my fear of jail I would have flipped him off. Instead I politely said, "Yes, I live their life. I'm only three short and don't have my own reality show."

One of these days I am going to have my own reality show. It'll be called Old, Wise and Full of Vodka. I mean who wouldn't want to watch me start my day with a Bailey's and coffee, yell at my kids to constantly hurry up, cook endless tasteless meals for them, and end the day with a "big people" drink??? Fun right??? Clearly worth $30k an episode! Oh, and that's not hair gel in my hair, that's grease from being too busy to shower. Reality at it's finest folks!

Reading

I love reading. I actually forgot how much I did when my children came along and there was absolutely no time to do it. Now that I'm single, the kids are older, and there is virtually NOTHING on TV, I have rediscovered books. And books I never thought I'd like or even possibly think I'd finish.

I'm not sure what it is that draws me to certain stories. The fact that someone has it worse than me, the humor, the suspense, the feeling of getting lost in a story, or the sense of accomplishment that I actually finished a book. Some days it's all of that and more.

One of my alter egos has always been a bit of a techno nerd. I love gadgets. I recently purchased a Kindle. Let me just say this, how come I didn't buy one of these years ago???? By far one of the best gifts I've bought myself. Not to mention the savings on the price of books! The machine itself was reasonably priced (they suck you in with all the fun extras you THINK you need to go with it) and the price of books is ridiculously cheap. No wonder book stores are going under! Why would I drive to the store, look for parking, have some salesperson trick me into a card that earns me points every time I buy from them, AND pay $30 for a book when I can pay 99 cents for one WITHOUT leaving my home??? Ludicrous! Yesterday on my couch, I bought four books for no more than $4. And New York Times Best Sellers at that. Honestly, I'm shaking my head.

However, there is one teensy weensy draw back. Actually a rather LARGE issue. My children. I have given the death by toenail hanging speech to all of them for even looking at it from afar. My only child days return in such subtle ways that I myself am shocked by their appearance. But this is one toy I am NOT sharing no matter what. NO... MATTER... WHAT!!! The spoiled brat princess has spoken, and I have no qualms about it. Happy reading to me!!!

Birthday

UGH!!! I'll make this short and sweet. My father has told me for years that getting old is NOT for the weak. Honestly, where does the time go? It's my birthday, AGAIN, next week. And for the 19th year in a row, I am choosing to ignore, avoid, deny, and trash it's existence.

On the other end, my children keep relentlessly reminding me and I pretend like I don't hear them...similar to most things that they say. I think the thing that bothers me the most about my birthday is that it's another reminder of time gone by. My kids are one year older, all the should have, could haves crop up from the past year, and let's face it, some new ailment is looming! I swear the older I get, the more my body hates me. And for the most part, I'm really good to it! I suppose it's just another of life's little mysteries.

So, for the 19th year in a row, I am 22. Legal enough to drink, old enough to vote, and young enough to deny ANY responsibility for myself. My alter ego, the soon to be 41 year old, has to get off the computer, snow blow the driveway, do three loads of laundry, vacuum the house, and go buy birthday presents for the rest of the January birthday people in her life. Ahhhhh to be 22. You're only as old as you feel, right???

I See Dead People

I have never discounted paranormal activity. Nor have I any reason to believe that some people do possess a seventh sense that allows them to understand things about death or life changing moments. In fact, sometimes I feel like one of these people. I have had dreams about planes crashing and ALWAYS within three days a plane will go down somewhere in the world. It's the strangest thing!!!! I have always chalked it off to my fear of flying. But who knows, right??

My daughter had her tenth birthday party last month. She had a great time. I however am still recovering from five screaming girls up til 6am. It's quite possible this was the last party EVER for ANY of my children. As with any party, there is usually a moment that sticks out and stays with you for a lifetime.

With the party in full swing, one of my daughters friends comes to me and says that one of the girls is upstairs sobbing and won't come out. I go up thinking that this poor girl has somehow gotten hurt and I've got to call her mother and break the news. Boy was I mistaken! Here she is balled up on my daughters bed sobbing uncontrollably. "Honey what's wrong? Are you hurt?" She looks me straight in the eyes and says, "No. My cousin who died is sitting in that chair over there saying spooky things to me." I look around as if I'm on Punked and stand there speechless. Honestly! How do you respond to something like that??? Knowing I have to choose my words carefully with an inconsolable child I say, "Well, maybe she's here to keep you company?" I'm at a loss at this point. She then goes on to tell me, mind you FREAKING out the other girls that now believe there is a ghost in my house, that her cousin died of a blood disease and that she only visits when this little girl is at homes she doesn't know. At this point I'm trying to decide if this girl is crazy, a liar, can really see dead people, or an amazing actress. My only response is "Let's go have cake. It'll make everyone feel better!" UGH!!!!

I have dubbed this poor little girl "I See Dead People" and to this day cannot possibly imagine what other friends or situations I will have to incur at future parties. I'm still shaking my head! Some days I laugh, other days I wonder. Again, you just never know.

Stay At Home Mom

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for the rant I'm about to unleash. But I have truly had about all I can take with people criticizing and looking down on moms that choose to stay home with their children.

I have the utmost respect for women who go to work and raise a family. I find the time constraints put on these women daunting and unimaginably taxing both physically and mentally. That being said, I find it sickening that there is a total lack of respect for those that stay home. I have been without a "real" job for almost 12 years. However, my other job kicked into full force 10 years ago when I had my first child. At that point I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home. Four babies later (of which I will freely admit to having a sitter help me out over the years), a divorce, and an ex husband with severe depression who almost died, tends to put a bit of a crimp on going out job hunting. Not to mention that I would NEVER expect an employer to tolerate my having to come and go at any given time. With all five of my kids at school now, life has not gotten any easier. I find I'm actually more busy now than ever before.

I am NOT a person who makes excuses or complains. I am extremely organized and I get the job done. Whatever it is. I cannot compare my life to moms that leave their homes and families to bring home a paycheck. That would be absurd. But the same holds true for the reverse. A working mother should in no way compare her day to mine, as if my time were any less important or ill spent. I do more in one day than most can even imagine. I have learned a valuable lesson being a mother. Every mother, working outside the home or not, needs to take time for themselves. Every therapist, every self help book, every true friend will urge moms to do this. I learned that the hard way. I yelled at my kids and let it effect my marriage for years when I didn't. I found an outlet five years ago and I stick to it the best I can. To criticize me or look down on me for taking an hour or two out of my day to regroup so that I can be a better mother, friend, daughter or girlfriend turns my stomach.

Don't judge until you have walked a mile in someone elses shoes. Life is NOT easy for anyone. Everyone has some challenge they are trying to overcome. But to think that anyone's time is less valuable because it isn't the way you would use it makes you ignorant and less compassionate as a human being toward others.

My horoscope said that this is the year to be less critical and more forgiving- not just with others but also with yourself. I will not apologize for the life I have chosen, nor do I have any regrets. I do the best I can for myself and my family and at the end of the day have no problem looking myself in the mirror. It's time others around us let go of the "should have, would have, could haves" we bestow onto one another and just live our own lives.

From The Mouths of Babes

Well now that the holidays are gone and my hair pulling, biting, name calling, Santa didn't bring me what I wanted children are back at school, I can get back to my dull life of cooking, cleaning and carting their ungrateful bums around. Wait that didn't seem to end even when they were out of school. No, it was much worse!

Playing referee for "she started it!" or "no I didn't break it, HE DID!" gets old so fast. It's really no wonder women go crazy! I am 100% convinced it was a woman who invented alcohol and chocolate! Even in the lowest of low moments amongst my children, there is always one that says something that makes you laugh so hard, you truly forget all the other garbage they rant about.

Here is THE ABSOLUTE BEST I have heard out of my children. My five year old daughters are arguing about something so I go over to investigate. One of them says to me "girls have a penis." My first thought is, here we go again! Why so many body parts??? "No, honey. Girls don't have a penis. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina." Their little faces ponder the thought of what I just said and then one of them says, "WAIT! Girls have big boobs and fine china????? you got to be kidding me!" When I stopped laughing I corrected her pronunciation. But to this day I will always know that ALL women have big boobs and fine china! Never gets old!