Mother of The Year

I have determined that I will absolutely win Mother of the Year this year. In the past few days, or rather most of the year, I have been called evil, told I'm mean, that I'm hated, that I NEVER do anything nice, that I don't care about any of them, that I'm garbage, and that I'm stupid and should get a job.

Wow! That's a lot to stomach don't you think? I'm pretty sure if I ever said any of those things to my friends or family that I wouldn't have either of them in my life. Being a mom is the most thankless job in the world. On the RARE occasion that I'm told "you're the best mom ever" (mind you this ONLY comes after I've given in to some selfish childhood demand), I forget all the nasty heartless comments my children make to me.

Most of the time I'm pretty good and don't take it personally. In fact I'm glad my children can express anger, disappointment, and sadness. Not that you EVER want your child to move out of that utopia bubble, but I'm thankful that they feel comfortable enough to tell me like it is. If there is one thing that I hope I teach them and I hope sticks with them for their lifetime, it's to be honest with their feelings. Both good and bad. I have more respect for someone who is honest than I do for someone who doesn't have enough belief in themselves to actually tell you the truth.

My dad always says "getting old isn't for the weak". Being a mom is much the same. I wouldn't trade it for the world. As rotten as my kids are some days, they are also the best thing that ever happened to me. And in the end, they really are great kids.

I'd like to believe I had A LOT to do with that. And yes, I'll take that trophy now.

Bah Humbug

Oh the holidays...AGAIN! I swear it was JUST Christmas. Oh wait! That's right. As my father says "Everyday is Christmas Julie". No wonder my kids are so rotten! Ok, so maybe I fall into the spoiled category as well.

After my kids left for school yesterday, I went for a run and cleaned my house. Both did wonders for my temper. They are VERY lucky to have a mommy that has an outlet for her rage. By mid afternoon I was calm and in the forgiving mood. Let's not get crazy now. I said I forgive, I DID NOT say I forget. Being the evil mommy that I am I decided to get out the Christmas decorations and taunt them with the fact that Santa ONLY comes to good children. Mhhhhhhh

I have a love hate relationship with this time of year. The chaos keeps me going, the money that goes out makes me cringe, the laughter and excitement makes my heart melt, and the undeniable power I have over my kids makes me smile an evil smile. I absolutely love to threaten "Santa is NOT coming if you don't knock it off!" They are still young enough to know that this is a VERY good possiblity. I dread the day I can't use that line. But for now it keeps me smiling my Grinchy smile.

On Strike

I am so mad at my kids that I have decided to go on strike. Part of me feels bad and the other part of me feels liberated. It's amazing how much time I had to myself this morning when I refused to make them breakfast or pack their lunches!

I've decided that a little tough love is in order around here. I'm tired of yelling, I'm tired of asking nicely, I'm tired of asking twenty times for the same thing to get done, I'm just plain tired! And being a single mom just adds to the frustration. Ooooo and do they ever know I'm mad! Kids are smarter than anyone ever gives them credit for. When I stop yelling and refuse to help them with even the littlest of tasks, they know. It's amazing how beds get made, laundry gets put away, teeth get brushed, milk gets into cereal without me even having to ask.

When I got "why won't you help us mommy? why are you so mad?" I simply replied "I'm tired of asking all of you to do things. If you don't have any respect for yourselves or your home, then I'm not helping you or doing anything more for you." A unanimous "oh" followed. Not that I expect them to be adults. They are still children after all. But the lack of respect for even the basic of needs and their overall sense of entitlement to everything makes me wonder "who are these kids???" Surely they are NOT from my gene pool!

Well, no more! I'm putting my foot down. It has to be a give and take from now on. If you want to go to dance, horseback riding, or hockey, then I guess you better put your clothes away when I ask. If you want me to make you dinner then I guess you better pick up your toys. If you want me to read you a story then I guess you should shower when I ask. THE FIRST TIME! Schools have a no tolerance policy and they follow the rules there. Time to start instilling them at home. I am Mama and I have spoken.

Animals

UGH!!! I am really struggling with making a decision to get another dog. I have come up with several reasons to get another one, and several more as to why not.

Being a lifetime animal lover, this has really been a tug at the heartstrings. The older I get the more they remind me of Grandchildren. They are great when they are someone else's responsibility! That being said, I still think I want one. I miss the companionship, the unconditional love, the sloppy kisses, the feeling of security in my home, the laughter she brought my kids, and on and on. What I don't miss is the poop and the hair! My boyfriend said, it's just like having another kid. I said "no, at least I don't have to clean up poop after two years with a child!"

The sad but honest truth is that I have plenty of time to make a decision. There are so many wonderful animals out there, every day, that need a family and home of their own. I'm just going to continue to do my homework on different breeds, and find the one that's right for our family. He or she is out there, and one day we'll find each other. And the madness of emotions that go with having an animal in my life will start all over.

Horoscopes

Do you ever wonder who writes Horoscopes and where they come up with their facts and information? It never ceases to amaze me when I read one and think "who's watching me?".

Granted some days I read them and just shake my head. Other days it's almost spooky how dead on they are. Take today for example. "Add a little spice to your life...set a new more positive pattern for adapting and evolving..." Couldn't be more true! Sometimes we get stuck in a rut and need a good kick to get us out. I need goals to drive me out of a rut. Some new adventure, new challenge, new quest. No one can get me out of one better than myself. Though a good laugh and a cold beer with friends helps, having a means to an end is priceless for me.

So what's it going to be you ask? Time will tell. But in my case it is never anything small. And the rewards of hard work and accomplishment last a lifetime. You can't be afraid to fail if you want to move forward and get out of a rut. Adapt, evolve and enjoy life. Because you never know where the journey will take you!

School Pictures

I have said this before. I DO NOT understand why we, including my children, have to endure school pictures. I am always shocked that I'm shocked at the results. You'd think by now I'd be numb. Nope!

My nine year old daughter brought home her school pictures the other day. And per usual I am wincing opening the package. The child HATES to have her picture taken. I can't really blame her, I don't either. However, this is the child who refuses to brush her hair, teeth, wear anything that matches, and blah, blah, blah. It's been a struggle that I have gracefully bowed out of. I keep hoping one day one of her friends will say something that will snap her out of these bad habits. So far no one has stepped up.

The irony of all of this? She takes the most BEAUTIFUL school pictures! I cried when I saw it. She looked like a teenager which of course made me wonder what happened to my baby girl. Her hair was brushed, her smile perfect, clothes matched, and she looked amazing. Wonders never cease in my house! EVER!

Reading

As I was yelling at my kids to sit down and do their nightly reading, my nine year old shot back "when's the last time YOU sat down to read?"...Hmmmmm good question! I enjoy reading, why had I not done it lately?

It just so happened that I was flipping channels before my kids got home from school the next day and caught a glimps of Oprah. Though no longer a fan of hers, I was intrigued by the guest she had on. This woman had run for President in Columbia and was abducted and taken hostage by a militant guerrilla organization for over six years. All I caught of the show was that this woman had written a book and a brief description of some of what she had endured. I was determined to find this book!

Mind you, books are like movies to me. I like something light and easy that has a happy ending. Nothing you have to put much thought into. In other words, pure entertainment. Looking for and actually reading this book I assumed would be a huge feat for me. I found the book, Even Silence Has An End, two days ago and I CANNOT put this book down. This womans courage, determination, spiritual and emotional journey makes you question every facet of life that we take for granted. Hot water, food, clean clothes, CLOTHES, indoor plumbing, going for a walk or a run when you want to, hugging and talking to your children and family. I always say we should never take anything for granted, but the reality is that we all do. If you want to be thankful and have an excellent reminder of how great and fortunate life really is, I recommend you read this book. I'm sure there are plenty of books out there that involve such heart wrenching valor, but when you read something from a woman's stand point, and a mother, it tends to affect you in ways you cannot imagine.

By the way, my nine year old is mad at me now, because I can't put the book down. Oh the irony!

Weather

Oh the weather. There are two jobs I wish I had looked into when I went to college. Weather forecasting or the funeral business. Both are sure bets in my book.

Take the funeral business for example. People are always going to die. Sad, but true. You will always have a job. Weather forecasting? What other job can you have where you can be continually wrong and STILL have a job?? It's truly incredible to me! I realize of course that Mother Nature has every right to change her mind without ANY warning. However, those weather people can watch that Doppler machine all they want, comment all they want, GUESS all they want, and still be completely wrong. My mother yesterday was so sure the wind was going to rip my porch furniture off my back deck, that she raced over to help me get it inside. My house blocked the direction of the wind and nothing was moving on my deck.

If I had the money, I'd absolutely go back to school and get into one of these professions. I am shaking my head and kicking myself every time I run past the local funeral home and every time I turn on the news. Thank goodness I have five kids! I'm adding these two to the list of professions they are ALLOWED to chose from when they go to school.

Forgetfulness

I suffer from CRS, aka... Can't Remember S#*t. It's horrible. If someone didn't call me mom or Julie at least five times a day, I honestly believe I would have no idea who I was.

Not only is it getting worse as I age, but I also found it to get progressively worse with each child I had. I cannot tell you how many times I have walked into a room only to completely forget why I'm there. Back I go to the spot I was at when I had my genius idea to get something, remember what it is and troop back to get the item. If I'm lucky I will remember the second time. Some days I've gone up and down the stairs two or three times and have NO CLUE what I'm doing. Those days I relish the exercise.

I have been known to put frozen waffles in the pantry cupboard, milk in with the dog food, ketchup up with the cereal, and butter in the craft drawer. This morning I emptied the dishwasher and tried to put the coffee mugs in the refrigerator. TWICE! Ah life's little mysteries! Ya never know what you'll find at my house!

Halloween Candy

I have a love hate relationship with Halloween candy. I love it because it's candy! I hate it because you have to buy it early and it just sits in the house teasing everyone. Inevitably someone always caves and cracks it open.

The odd wrapper found around the house is always the tip off. It lasted a week this time. My favorite part of all? ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WILL COP TO IT! I had to threaten no trick or treating. Still no one caved. So how does a bag of bite sized Twix miraculously open and eat itself? The world will never know.

It's open now. I might as well go have a piece! And will someone please explain why after all these years there are still the same amount of calories in a bite sized piece, when the bites seem to be getting smaller year after year???? Another mystery never to be solved.

Homework

I have five kids. There is not enough beer in the universe to get me through homework, showering and teeth brushing time.

Take my son for example. This is my prodigy child mind you. Will someone please explain to me why those that are so incredibly book smart are so incredibly dumb in almost every other facet of life??? UGH! I love my son, but if he can get ANYONE to do something for him, he will. His homework for example. "Mom what's nine minus six?". "I'm not telling you Kyle. Figure it out.", "Brendan what's nine minus six?" I hear a muffled "three" shoot up from an intense Mario Cart session. Honestly! The kid knows the answer, he's just too lazy to figure it out on his own. He's six reading at a middle school level. Yet will "trick" anyone into tying his shoes, getting his socks, getting a glass of water, making his bed, you name it, my son is a genius when it comes to delegating!

Hey! Wait a minute! How has he mastered that so young and I can't get a single one of them to do anything??? Maybe he's not so dumb after all??? Hmmmmm...

The Rainbow Bridge

Having an animal ALWAYS seems like a good idea. That is until you bring them home, fed them, clean up after them, pay for ALL the vet meds, and worry who will watch them whenever you get a chance to leave your home.

I used to be a huge animal lover! Volunteered for the Humane Society, house sat for peoples dogs and cats, defended my animals when they did something they had no control over because they were "just an animal". Then I had kids. I'm pretty sure you know where this is going. My poor beloved animals fell by the wayside. They were more of a nuisance than a part of the family anymore. That's just sad and wrong in so many ways. All these animals want is love and attention and ALWAYS give twice as much in return. So here I was complaining and joking about how good it will be when they all go. Not so funny when that day comes.

My kids are all at school now, the dog is gone and I'm left with one stupid cat that I'd like to send to the Rainbow Bridge. Guess I'll go find him and see what our plans are for the day.

Hostess Gift

I not much of a proper etiquette person. Not that I'm rude by any means. I guess I'm more of an "I don't get it" person. It rates right up there with tipping. I'm already paying you for the service you just gave me, why must I give you more money?? Makes zero sense to me.

My mother. I need not say more. Ugh! She always insists on bringing a "little something" to someones home whenever she's invited. If I hear the words hostess gift one more time from her I might actually drop over dead. This person has invited you to their home because they want to enjoy your company, not so that you can bring them a gift! It's not a holiday, it's not their birthday, it's not a special occasion, it's just friends getting together! If I had to bring a gift to my friends every time I went to see them, I'd be broke.

So guess what? I have become my mother! I'm off to the store to find a "little something" for our friends we're visiting this weekend. And no, I still don't get it.

A Clean Car

Notice how almost all of my posts have something to do with cleaning?? I'm starting to think I'm a bit of a clean freak. Or just a freak. One of the two.

My son says to me the other day, "when are you going to clean out this car?" I honestly laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. I say "seriously? how about when the five of you stop eating and drinking and dropping and spilling half of what you bring into the car?". He didn't like that response to well. Mind you I have a big truck to lug the six of us around. My spot and the way back where the groceries go is nice and clean. The rest I would not recommend touching without a hazmat suit.

Yes, I've cleaned it, sterilized it, vacuumed it and ripped apart and hosed ALL five car seats. Only to have the little gremlins get in and destroy it in less than one minute. It is the one thing I refuse to clean until the food and beverage cart stops running like a tsunami through my truck. And yes, I have said no food or drinks in the car...never lasts. Ah well, such is life on the go.

Clean House

Am I the only one who feels that cleaning your home is a COMPLETE waste of time???

I love the smell of a clean house, clean sheets, see a clean floor, lines in the carpet from the vacuum, sit on a clean toilet seat, you name it, I just love that look and smell. So tell me why five children notice ABSOLUTLEY NONE of that?! UGH! They can walk in the door and in less than one minute destroy ALL my hard work. Makes me crazy! It's like I want to wrap them in a sterile white suit and tell them to just sit for five minutes and take it all in!

I have a neighbor who is an obsessive cleaner. My ex one time said "jeez, it's soooo clean in here." I said "Yes. But there is a difference between this house and ours. We live in our home. They exist in theirs". Yes you can eat off my floors! But only because there's a trail of crumbs from one end to the other. My kids are learning survival techniques and love our house because they feel comfortable enough to realize there is more to life than just lines in the carpet from a vacuum.

Halloween

Ugh, Halloween is becoming worse than Christmas at my house! Decorations, costumes, candy, blah, blah, blah! I can't take it! It's sooooo grossly expensive! And for what I ask you?

Don't get me wrong! I trick or treated until I was almost 18. I LOVE to dress up! Well, and I LOVE chocolate. Ok any candy if we're being honest! But seriously, the one costume I just purchased for my son was $50! That's insane! Multiply that by five and it's out of control. I haven't even bought the 17 bags of candy yet. Yes, you read that right. There are 23 kids on my culdesac alone...five of which are mine. Regardless, my neighborhood is ALL young kids.

Where does the madness end?? or I should say when???

Picture Day

Someone please tell me why the schools continue to offer picture day?? I have to admit I ALWAYS took a horrible picture. Yet year after year my mother paid for a picture she could display. Display proudly was the question!

I just paid $16 x five for my kids to have their pictures taken. Not only does the cost make me nuts, but all that leads up to the picture being taken! There's the hair cuts, the clothes dilemma, the clean face, teeth brushed argument, and the pleading for a decent smile! The kicker is the wait for the final product to be returned!

I do my best to take as many pictures of my kids as I can. Why I pay for someone else to do it is beyond me.

The Grocery Store

Why is there not a service out there that offers to go to the store, buy your groceries, bring them home, and unload them for you??? I would pay top dollar to anyone that offered this service! Some things are just worth every penny to pay for.

I hate the grocery store! God bless my boyfriend for owning one years ago, but I remind him daily that he was completely crazy for doing so! Every time I go, something happens. Whether I drop and break something in an isle or someone makes a rude comment, it's literally ALWAYS something. And the fact that you have to make the list (never stick to it), price compare items, put them in the cart, unload them onto the belt, lug them out to the car, load the car, unload the car, and put them all away makes me sick! How many times do I really have to touch a bottle of ketchup?? I mean honestly! Do my kids really need to eat? Do I really have to feed them?

Guess I'm off to Meijer since I have a cupboard full of food but not a thing to eat in the house! Vicious vicious cycle!

Tantrums

Honestly! Who doesn't love to have a good throw yourself on the floor, all out screaming and crying tantrum?? I know I'd love to have them a few times a day. Let's face it. All it really is is a pity party for yourself. Poor me, life is so terrible. Boo hoo.

WRONG! Get up and get over yourself! When my eight year old threw himself on the floor last night because he couldn't play catch, I about threw myself on the floor next to him screaming "why do you hate me so and why are you so ungrateful??" Seriously! Ugh! It was time for showers, homework and bed. NOT play time. Sorry buddy, but welcome to the realities of life. Kids just never seem to get that a tantrum DOES NOT warrent a reward! Not at my house anyway! In fact I walked away before I lost it too.

Life is not that bad. It's all what you make it out to be. If you think the world and everyone in it owes you then you might as well be a rock. Because people are going to continue to beat you up, throw you around, and step on you forever. Get up off the floor and get to living!

Why Oh Why???

I can't take it anymore! I am not going to survive five kids going through puberty!! And IF I do, that's a really BIG if, God will surely have to let me in the pearly gates with the red carpet out and a band playing the Chariots of Fire theme.

Please tell me why a 9 year old needs to shave her legs?? I told her months ago that it's not a good idea, she's too young, once ya start it never ends, blah, blah, blah. Apparently I had no idea what I was talking about and my 9 year old went ahead and did it anyway. Well, it was hard for me to lose my temper when she sliced the back of her heal and was bleeding all over the bathroom. Only to tell her younger siblings that the razor miraculously fell from the shelf and cut her...Really? UGH!

Note to self, attempt reverse psychology whenever possible with small children. Yes, honey, when you shave you're suppose to take a layer of skin off! Maybe the pain and blood will deter her...doubt it!

Where Has The Time Gone

It's amazing how fast we let "life" get in the way. Or how many excuses we make for not taking the time to do something. Guilty as charged! My ex got deathly ill this past spring leaving me to care for my kids solo until August. Phew! Mommy needed a break! Thank goodness school has started and I have some ME time again.

As moms we forget just how important it is to remember ourselves. I don't think I have much left of my vocal cords, I'm bald, and my bar bill is way beyond what Norm ever owed at Cheers! But hey, I'm human. Life is getting more managable. Now I at least try to catch myself before yelling, the hair is slowly growing back, and my liver is drying out. Life is good!

I run because I can and I run to keep my sanity. Don't ever lose track of what keeps you happy because life threw you a curve ball. Ride it out and keep moving forward.

Just Venting

I've said before that blogging is an excellent way to vent. Now I need to take my own advice.

I will apologize now for anyone suffering either of these two issues because I would never wish them upon anyone. However, THERE ARE CURES AND THEY CAN BE MANAGED!!!

As you know, my mother made me go to school even when I was completely sick. There was never any sympathy. Suck it up and move forward. I take that approach with everything in my life. You have to! Otherwise you wallow in self pity. My ex suffers from depression and also has diverticulitis. Both of which have gotten the better, or in his case, the worst of him this past month. The intestinal thing almost killed him and if the depression isn't addressed soon surely it will hinder his post surgical recovery. What's so completely frustrating and nauseating to me is that I have asked him for years to take care of both. Both he refused to address. In my book, that's completely selfish and irresponsible when you have 5 children.

If you need help, get it! Don't ever be afraid or embarassed to ask for it! When you choose not to, you not only hurt yourself, but EVERYONE who know's and loves you.

Swear Words

Ugh, we all slip every now and then and say "bad" words. Only to turn around and tell our children to "NEVER say that" . And then comes the day, or days in my case, when it comes back to haunt you.

I'll admit, I can have a mouth that makes a trucker look like a saint. Mostly when I'm upset or when I'm with my friends. I try very hard not to say them around my kids. Occasionally it does happen, I won't deny it. I'm also a HUGE Kid Rock fan...we all know that he ONLY says those words in his songs, never to his mother or anyone else...Right??? That's what I tell my kids anyway!

Well, my kids heard some words on the bus (urgh the bus!) and naturally came home to ask me about every swear word under the sun. After our LENGTHY conversation I said "If I ever find out you said ANY of these words outside of this car, your mother's fury will rain down like no other." Damned if some idiot driver didn't cut me off and I shout "A@#hole"...Ah well, I tried.

Everybody Needs A Day...

After today, I've decided everybody needs a day to eat, drink and laugh with a friend. The therapy it provides is priceless.

I already knew Papa Joe's market in Rochester cooked amazing food. I also knew you could drink wine and grocery shop there. Combine both of those, throw in a great friend and the only thing missing is a taxi ride home! Honestly, how does it get any better?! It's genius really! Everyone knows the more alcohol people drink, the more they spend. And it's true! 3 glasses of wine, a yummy sandwich (plus other yummy goodies!) and I'm walking out the door with $90 worth of wine! What's scary about that??? I'm a beer drinker!!! Hats off to Papa Joe's!!!

Don't Call Us, We'll Call You!

What is it about girls that they have to call home sick from school? UGH!! I get the phone call, feel bad, and go pick them up. Until now!!!

I'm not falling for the tears, tummy aches, you name it EVER again. Because here's how this works. They call, feed me some boo hoo line, and rather than get another Mother of the Year award, I pick them up, bring them home, and watch them morph from "I can't function" to "woo hoo I'm home let's play!" Done! I tell you, ALL DONE! I told all three of them "don't ever call me again. I don't care if you're bleeding, broken, barfing or passed out cold. Don't do it". It's just ridiculous! My boys would sit through a hurricane before they called me. I just cringe every time I see the schools number pop up on my phone. Well, not any more!!! I am Super Mom, hear me roar...yeh right. I'll be there in five minutes honey! Mommy loves you...UGH!!!

Enough Already...

Honestly, is life really that bad?? At what point do people finally say "I've had enough of being miserable and I'm going to find something that makes me happy!" We all have our breaking point or ah-ha moments, don't we???

Ugh, not my ex-husband. Life is all doom and gloom. I hate to use the word always since I'd like to believe the kids or myself made him happy at least once. But he is always the first to complain about something, yet do absolutely nothing to change his circumstances. Reactive to everything and never able to move forward. Makes me crazy. Thank goodness I wised up and had my ah-ha moment! Life is to short to let others bring you down. Find what makes you happy and enjoy the rewarding adventure life offers us everyday!

Boys

I've decided that boys will never cease to amaze me. I thought the blue line question would put me over the edge. Clearly I was mistaken.

While eating dinner tonight, my girls had already left the table (thank god!), my boys decided to have an argument about whether or not they had balls between their legs. Are you kidding me??? I almost choked! After I stopped laughing, I had to explain the difference between balls and testicles. To which my six year old says "I think I felt three of them down there once." No child you don't have three, only two. Honestly, how much worse is this going to get? I don't have a penis, but I have now become the expert on them thanks to my sons! Why do we have to have sooooo many body parts? God help me when my girls start in!

Spring Cleaning

PHEW!!!! I have finally caught up on my house so that I can sit down and catch up on my personal life! Ugh! What a process. I'm here to tell you nothing and no one was safe in my cleaning endeavor.

It started with being frustrated with the mess in my kids closets and snowballed from there. I cleaned out all closets, all toy boxes, kitchen cupboards, ceiling fans, walls, windows, painted, repaired, replaced bathroom mirrors and lighting fixtures, and unloaded an ex-husband who clearly thought we would continue to live together for the rest of our lives. When I say I cleaned house, I meant I cleaned house. It's such a good feeling to have your house the way you want it and shinny clean to boot...and yes that pun was intended!

Not A Morning Gal

I have never, nor will EVER be a morning person. I've seen beautiful sunrises all while grumbling and stumbling over my two left feet. I've been known to shower, shave and get ready in the dark just to avoid the possibility of actually opening my eyes and functioning.

My boys?! A whole different story! They wake up like they ate a bag of coffee beans! It makes me crazy! They then proceed to wake everyone else up and the whole clan is nothing but a loud, giggling, fighting frenzy. I've begged, pleaded, screamed, cried, threatened, bribed and beaten them into seeing my point of view. Nothing has worked. Occasionally when they ARE tired, they give it all right back to me, and I can't fault them. Morning people are crazy! I can watch the sun go down and think it looks just as pretty as when it comes up. I can drink coffee in the afternoon and think it tastes just as good as in the morning. I can eat breakfast food for dinner, shower, shop, clean my house, and exercise just as well at night as I can in the morning. And I'm not loud and giggly while I do it either!

Closet Eater

I'll admit it. I ate an entire box of chocolate in two days. I love chocolate and I DO NOT share it.

I hide it all in my closet. And when I think no one is around, I hide away and shovel it in. The visual for you goes something like this, cartoon character shoveling in handfuls of chocolate, evidence ALL over face, hear someone coming and shovel at LEAST two more pieces in. If caught and questioned about what may or may not be in my mouth, I simply respond as a small child would "nothing, why?" Some moments and some things are NOT meant to be shared. I'm a firm believer that chocolate falls into both categories. I'm also pretty sure I wouldn't know what that chocolate tasted like since I ate it sooooo fast!

My Favorite Quote

I'm a firm believer that children's movies were made for adults so that we could stomach sitting through them with our kids. With so many quotes, inuendos, actions, and life lessons built in to the stories, it's a no wonder kids actually like or understand what they are watching.

Meet The Robinsons is one of those movies that teaches a great life lesson. It teaches you to never give up no matter how bad you think the circumstances are. At the end of the movie there is a quote from Walt Disney. It reads "Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." We all look back and say should of, could of, would of every now and again. But the key to moving forward is to say what if or why not! We can't change the past, but we can absolutely make choices that shape our future.

Jill of All Trades

I'm not usually one to brag, but sometimes I just gotta toot my own horn. And do a little male bashing in the process.

I was married for 13 years, together 15. The entire time I was with the ex I could count on one hand the amount of times he lifted a finger around the house. Made my father crazy. To this day I am still reminded that the ex could never be bothered to change a light bulb. I did it all. Over the years I have been a gardener, drywall expert, master plumber, auto repairman, electrician, chef, carpet cleaner, painter, window washer, power washing aficionado, appliance repairman, tile and grouting repairman, and the list goes on. Mind you this was all done while either working full time outside the home or pre/postnatal to five small children.

As of last month, and thanks to today's snow storm, I have added yet another talent to my list; Snow Blower. And I'm not talking a little Toro either! I'm talking one of those giant Craftsman models. So yes I am Super Mom and no I don't need a man in my life to help me get the job done. I CAN do it all!

Long Lost Treasures

We had a small tragedy in my house about three and a half years ago. My daughter grew extremely fond of a small yellow bear when she was VERY young and it miraculously disappeared. Now you all know how I love to throw things away right? Well, this time I was pretty sure I didn't chuck it.

Time passed and we all reminisced about the days of Bear Bear. We'd see him in pictures or joke that no one ever really replaced him. In fact it was a little sad for all of us. I'm hear to tell you that wonders never cease! My nosy older daughter was rummaging through some old stuff in the closet when low and behold the tiny, dirty, beat up yellow bear appeared! She was barely 18 months when it was lost. She's five now and it was like her best friend was back! She hasn't let it go yet! I had to beg her to let me wash him.

There's two lessons here today. First, you're never too young to own something that leaves a lasting imprint in your life. And second, there's something to be said about cleaning out old junk!

School Days

I want to go back to school. I'm not talking graduate school. I'm talking elementary school. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to middle school or high school. WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA!!!

When I hear "I used to walk to school, up hill, both ways, with a hundred pound bag, in a blizzard with 2 feet of snow, without boots, a cheap hat and mits, and a spring coat in 20 below temperatures" I really wonder if that was true! Kids today NEVER have school! A snow day here, a professional development day there, yadda, yadda, yadda. First of all, I pay an enormous amount in taxes. My kids should be there ALL year for what I pay. Second, what the hell is a professional development day when I'm at McDonald's with my kids and all the teachers walk in? Did I just buy them all lunch too? It's truly incredible! Don't get me wrong, I've seen some of the kids at school and MOST teachers do not get paid enough for putting up with them. But, at least make me feel like I'm getting my money's worth by NOT giving the kids a day off every other week! Let them walk in 2 feet of snow! It's good exercise.

Spoiled???

I'll admit it, I'm spoiled rotten. I was an only child, my mother was an only child. My poor dad NEVER had a chance. I'm "22" and I'm still getting what I want. In fact my boy friend asked me today "do you always get what you want?" and I actually had a long but completely practical answer.

I said, "I make things happen in my life. I don't mess around. And when it comes to my kids I can make a mother bear look like a scared little mouse. So yes, I do get what I want." I don't consider that being spoiled. I think trying to have the most toys before you die is spoiled. But finding ways to make your life better, happier, simpler, and more enjoyable benefits everyone around you. Including yourself. We hear it all the time, life is too short. Well it is. I saw a video today that said "life is too short to be anything but happy". If that's the case, then I'm going to continue to spoil myself with great friends and family. And few hundred shoes thrown in for good measure. Too much of a good thing is NEVER enough.

Clutter

I say it every week, "this week I'm going to take a day and clean out closets and bedrooms." Every week I find something else to do. Then it happens. I snap and nothing is safe. I have been known to throw out anything and everything in my path. No one and nothing stands in my way.

It's gotten so bad that my kids will say "oh are we giving that to the people who don't have anything?" Some days I answer yes and other days I say nope it's going to the big garbage dump down the road. With five kids you have to be organized. There is no room for clutter. I can't stand when my stuff lays around so why would I settle for that with someone else's?? It's a good feeling to be clutter free. 1-800-Got Junk is my friend for life! It's very liberating to get rid of things we don't use or need. Try it!

Peace

Who knew $20 could provide sooooo much entertainment?? I have spent thousands of dollars on toys for my kids over their very short lives. As have their grandparents. And yet it never ceases to amaze me what they find to play with. I actually told my mother one year to skip the "popular" presents and go to the dollar store to buy wooden spoons and Tupperware. They LOVE that stuff!

So when I find a steal of a gift I feel compelled to share. No joke $20 will buy you a Lava Lamp that will awe struck even the youngest of children. I have to admit, it is pretty cool! My five year olds can't get enough of it! "Mommy come watch! The bubbles are eating each other!!!" It's too bad you can't run them for more than eight hours. I honestly think my kids would sit and stare at it for 24 hours if I'd let them! It has provided hours of peace and wonder. Go to lavalamp.com. So many colors, so much fun!

Never Good Enough

I have an eating disorder. I eat everything. All the time. Maybe that's just a problem, not a disorder. I love food. There was a time when I would only eat chicken, turkey or fish. How silly of me really. The older I get the more I realize how much I missed. I don't make that mistake any more. I'll try just about anything, as long as I don't know what it is ahead of time.

My kids are a whole different case. I'm always amazed that I produced these creatures. I have one that can't even stand the smell of food, one who eats everything, one who picks apart, one who used to eat everything and now won't touch most things, and one who'd eat pasta for every meal. Cooking for children is a nightmare. Trying to appease the majority of the troop is a rarity unless we eat pizza or macaroni and cheese for every meal. Even then it's a fight as to who gets served first! I can only hope that one day God blesses them with children who are worse. Revenge will be mine then! Mhhhhh

Bubble Wrap

I firmly believe bubble wrap was invented to protect our children, not to send packages through the mail. In the past nine years I have had three of five children stitched eight times, one broken elbow, five surgeries, countless splinters, abrasions, goose eggs, falls, crashes, bloody noses, and the list goes on. I've been to urgent care, several hospitals, doctors, and specialists. With five children I have earned my own private wing and clearly paid for my OB/GYN's children's college education.

And through it all, I remain remarkably calm and focused. That is until the doctors start giving details of ALL the ways they had to fix my children's boo boos. I see lips moving, my head starts spinning, my eyes roll back and I am on the floor passed out cold. I'm a mess. Why can't they just say "all better, go home"? I am getting better with the more experience my children help me obtain. At least now I can stop them and say "That's great. Stop talking or I'm going to be sick." Works like a charm every time!

I'll Admit It...

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm one of those moms that MAKES their kids go to school sick. My mother did it to me! I was NEVER allowed to stay home unless I was on oxygen and in a coma at the hospital. Even then it was questionable whether she'd wheel me in to fifth grade on a gurney. Honestly, school is like a germ fest. You just never know what your kid is going to bring home next.

Let me tell you, I've seen just about everything too. The worst by far has to be a stomach virus. You never know when it's going to hit or how hard. I can handle pink eye, flu, fever, bronchitis, pneumonia, ear infections, strep throat, scarlet fever, blah, blah, blah. But that stomach thing knocks you out hard. And yes thanks to my children, and someones mother who let their kid go to school sick, I got it. I love food!!!! And for me not to want to eat anything is grounds for insanity. Fair warning, when I feel well, lock up your children because there won't be enough food in the state of Michigan to feed me.

Boys

Honestly, do I really need to say anything else? Anything at all? Don't get me wrong, I love my boys with all my heart. But there are honestly some days I look at them and wonder how their species exists. I've discovered that it makes absolutely NO difference what you teach them or what you say. There is a mutated chromosome in each and every one of them.

I've also discovered through the many I have dated, married and divorced, that it does not change with age. Boys are simple creatures that are all the same just disguised with different faces to throw women off. My friend and I feel they should all be placed in a bubble for our viewing pleasure. Never to be let out for fear they might speak, burp, fart, touch themselves, attempt something ridiculous, injure themselves or others, cry, whine, think they are dying EVERY TIME they get sick, and the list goes on. I guess this is why I have such a huge problem watching The Bachelor. Seriously ladies! Men our like puppies. We think they're all cute and cuddly at first. Then we get them home and they pee on the floor. Train them all you want, but we never ever stop taking care of them.

Rotten Age

There has to be good and bad points to ANY age of children. I used to remember people saying "oh the terrible two's watch out!" or "just wait until they're teenagers." and so on. Well I never listened to any of it, though the hormonal phase does frighten me slightly. I just never had a problem with my kids when they were two, I thought three was WAY worse! And teenagers, well I have a way to go before that...or do I???

My nine year old daughter has a love hate relationship with me already. One day I'm the best mom ever and the next I can do no right. In fact I'm actually dumbfounded by the entire phenomenon. It's like watching Sybil combined with the Exorcist. You just never know what's going to set her off or make her crawl into my lap for hugs and kisses. Boys get angry, go cool off and still think you're great. Girls are like a whole different species. If I live through puberty without committing myself to a padded room with a pretty white coat and shiny buckles it will no doubt be something short of a miracle.

Mom Taxi

My friend got me a mug one time that said "I don't remember signing up for this". Wildly appropriate for shuffling kids EVERYWHERE! Every year it gets a little bit trickier too. A different sport, a different school, a different friend, a different store and on and on and on. I don't remember my parents shuffling me everywhere. But I'm sure they did. In fact I remember in high school the swim coach thought we'd be a better team if we practiced in the morning and in the afternoon. My mother lugged my tired crabby hinny to school at 5am every morning. I think she was relieved when I told the coach, I'm not going to the Olympics this is a waste of my time.

It's such a catch 22. You want your kids to grow up and be independent, yet you want them to stay little too. And God help us when they want to drive! I have to admit, that is one of my biggest fears. I've seen my kids drive their mini Corvette. It's not pretty! They speed down the driveway, crash into trees and other mini cars, talk to their friends across the road, play with the radio and the lights; anything but pay attention to driving. All I can do is shake my head and pray this isn't a glimpse of the future! Maybe being a mom taxi isn't all that bad! If I could just find a way to make it cool when they get to middle school and high school I'd be the envy of moms everywhere! I know, such the dreamer sometimes.

Firsts

I was never a good pregnant person. In fact I hated it. I was always uncomfortable, I couldn't get over the fact that I was gaining weight (baby or not, NO ONE likes to get on a scale and learn they gained 10 pounds in a week!), being told what I could or could not eat, and the worst was people's rude comments. They never ceased to amaze me! I actually had one person say to me "Wow, five kids! Did you want that many?" No jerk, let's see if we can put some back! Ugh!

I was always thankful once the little aliens came out. And now that they are, the time is just flying by! That's the one piece of advice I never dreamed I'd believe. But I do. My girls just turned five yesterday. Five going on 30 in their book. But five!! Where does the time go? Honestly it just doesn't stop. We take pictures, keep sentimental items, and do our best to remember the very best moments. But you never quite get back that first smile, first hug, first sloppy kiss, first crawl, first word, first anything. Life just keeps moving forward to some other first. Thank goodness I'm pretty easy going and can roll with both the good and the bad...let's be real, some firsts we'd like to forget.

UGH!!!

We all know that sound. Cats make it, dogs make it, and we make it. That awful dry heave, I'm about to barf, everyone watch out sound. So why is it almost everyone can give fair warning but children???

I have become an expert in "oh there's something coming up with that cough", or "the look on your face tells me we need a bucket or a bathroom", or "why is it so quiet in the back seat. And what's that smell?". I have washed countless sheets, towels, blankets, stuffed animals, carpets, rugs, floors, toys, walls, car seats, cars, porches, chairs, and stairs to know that nothing will prepare you for the amount of vomit one very small person can make. Or where it's going to go. In fact it reminds me of confetti. You just never know where ya might find it one day. Sick kids are bitter sweet. You never want to see your babies hurting, but just a little part of you enjoys the quiet calm of them resting for an ENTIRE day.

I'm No Doctor

I have five kids. I have seen just about every common illness out there. Colds, flu, stomach virus, bronchitis, ear infection, pink eye, blah, blah, blah. I have been human tissue and toilet paper at any given moment. I even tried to be a human bucket with a barfing child...I don't recommend that one.

So please tell me why I need to waste time, energy and money to go to the doctor only to have them tell me what I already know???? I'll admit, I've been mother of the year and not taken my kids when MAYBE they should have gone. But honestly for the little things, it's just so ridiculous!!! Example, the school called because my son's eye's were all red and goopy. Duh! Pink eye! But I can't just call the doctor and say hey, can you call in a prescription for me? Oh no HAVE to go in and expose my kid to whatever crap someone else has. ONLY for them to say, "Oh yeah that's pink eye. Here's your prescription." Seriously! And we wonder why our health care system is a mess!!! I don't have to wonder, I know. And it doesn't take a doctor to diagnose that either!

Art

Most kids LOVE school projects. As a parent they do absolutely NOTHING but irritate me to no end. For several reasons!!! First and foremost I have to spend time, and usually money, gathering ALL the necessary items for the project. Second, I have to argue with a child who doesn't "understand" how to do the said project. And last but certainly NOT least, comes the underlying Parent Competition to have the best, most awesome project.

You know what I say to that? HELL NO!!! I went to school for sixteen plus years. I did my time. I make my kids responsible for their own work. Regardless of what they turn in. If they scratch something out, if the label is crooked, if there's too much glue, if something isn't spelled right, whatever. It is their project, their responsibility, and their sense of pride that hands it in. I love to watch my kids create stuff. And no it's not by any mean perfect. But it's theirs, they own it. And when it comes home, I proudly display it ALL over my house!

Meaningless to Meaningful

There are two things in this world I absolutely LOVE to buy, shoes and belts. The rest is nothing short of painful for me to purchase. I'm the person that refuses to try stuff on, takes it home, goes to wear it, it looks ridiculous, and with tags still on, puts it right in the donation bag. I'm awful. I'll admit it.

Mind you I have bought A LOT of shoes in my time. Lately it's running shoes, with a few fun stilettos thrown in! I just love the look and feel of new shoes. Especially running shoes. I've been buying the same ones for the last four years. I swear by them. In that four years, not once have I read any of the tags to see what meaningless information they might have to share with me. I love the shoes, so what do I care right? Imagine my surprise when I read that the name of my shoes actually has a meaning! ASICS, it's an acronym from the Latin phrase, "Anima Sana In Corpore Sano," which translates simply to "a sound mind in a sound body." The name of my running shoes sums up exactly how I feel when I'm running. Coincidence? I think not! Needless to say, I had a great run today. It's the little moments in life that count for me. And today, that one little tag made something I enjoy go from just some thing I do, to just some thing I do with purpose.

What's The Big Deal???

Ah another year older. Whatever! I've decided that birthday's are for everyone BUT me anymore. I stopped at 22 eighteen years ago. Call it what you will, denial works for me. 40 is the new 20, blah, blah, blah. So great, then I'm really ONLY 22. I was never good at math anyway and as long as my kids don't catch on, I'm good.

Milestone birthday's have never really been a big deal to me. Well, 21 was a blast...I think, 30 was uneventful, and 40 allowed me to spend some great time with great friends and family. I can't complain about that. Now what?? Glass is ALWAYS half full in my world. Sometimes overflowing. But I like it that way. I'm happy, lucky, blessed, fortunate, and absolutely looking forward to where I go from here!

Embrace Your Passion

I'm really not one to brag. Especially about my running. I started running four years ago as an excuse to get me out of the house and gain some of my sanity back. It worked like a charm. I took off and I never looked back. I looked good, I felt good, and from what I was told, I was pretty good too. I guess so considering I qualified for Boston after my second marathon just one year after I started running. I also ran a few other marathons and two ultra marathons. Plus a few other smaller races in between all that. Mind you I'm not very fast for an old bird, but I move along and I'm consistent with my speed. More importantly, I just plain love doing it!

Though today questioned just how much I really did. I set out to do 10 miles. The most I've done in over a month. The weather was a balmy 25 degrees, sun was shinning, tunes were playing, and off I went. I got as far as mile 7 and thought OW I hurt! Everything ached! Hips, ankles, knees blah blah blah. I thought who the hell did I think I was signing up for another 50 mile race when I can't even get through 7 miles?! Here's the beauty of running. I truly believe it's 10% physical and 90% mental. Your body can trick your mind into believing it can't, yet your mind can turn it around and say Oh hell yeh you can! I kept moving forward like dumb runners ALWAYS do (one reason we have terrible injuries) and I finished all 10.

I ache all over, and the Tylenol did absolutely nothing for me, but I will no doubt be back out again tomorrow. Afterall, it's running. I do it because I can.

Remember Mama??

It's quite possible I have the worlds worst memory. I can remember the dumbest of things (we call that PST- Piece of S#*t Trivia) and pretty much nothing else. It's awful. I can remember faces, but not names. Phone numbers, but not who they belong to. Buy birthday cards, and forget to send them. Need something from the fridge only to get there and have no idea why I'm standing there. Call it what you will. I call it mom brain. We get dumber and smarter about the most amazing things!

Take today for example. My four year old was rambling on about something then eventually says "remember when we did that?" Hmmmm since I had tuned out most of what she was saying all I could replied with was "what?" Mother of the year again! And yes maybe that is why I don't remember much. I've simply tuned it out. It's a skill I've perfected with five kids. Regardless, she went right back to the story and asked again "now you remember?" I did listen this time and said with my motherly authority "I have no idea what you're talking about. Did you put your mittens in your backpack?" That put a stop to the questioning of my memory! At least for a few minutes...now that I think about it, who was that child and why was she calling me mom????

I'm Not 80!!!

Let's just set the tone here. Ever since I was a child, shopping with my mother has been a nightmare. My WHOLE life she's tried to dress me as though I'm an 80 year old woman. All my friends will surely vouch for this. Pictures from my past still surface to haunt me. In fact I finally got so fed up with it, I insisted my parents let me get a job so I could buy my own clothes. It was a tough battle, but I finally won. Now mind you I still was no fashion expert when I made the change, but at least I no longer looked like an old lady. To this day, I still can't shop with my mother AND the clothes that she does buy me clearly DO NOT match my taste.

My mother I can deal with. I can flat out tell her "No ma, I can't. You wear it." But the kicker comes when my ex's mother tries to give me her 92 year old dead mother's clothes. Honestly, it renders me speechless. In fact I'm still shaking my head. When my 9 year old said "oh I like that!" I had immediate flashbacks to my youth! I made a vow right that second my children would NOT suffer my fate. I politely said "honey I think these would be better for some family that doesn't have a lot of clothes." I put them in the donation bag, and called it a night!

What Is She Doing Now??

Truly I have lost my mind!! I have set two enormous goals for myself this year that I am praying happen sooner than later. Getting a job and buying a house. This on top of playing mom taxi to five small children on a daily basis. With swimming, skating, dance, horseback riding, doctors appointments, hair cuts, house cleaning, cooking, homework and laundry; where is there time for anything else??? Honestly I'm not sure! In fact I'm so sure there isn't enough time in the day to accomplish ALL that, that like a fool I registered this morning to run a 50 mile race the end of August. I was told they have cars so you can actually drive that far!

Road less taken right? I'm a firm believer that as a mom you absolutely must make time for yourself. I just told a friend of mine today; when you feel good about yourself it reflects in everything you do. Running makes me feel great and look great. I'm a better more relax mom thanks to it. And in my world, and ALL it's utter chaos, my kids rely on me to make EVERYTHING go smoothly. They also rely on me to laugh it off when it doesn't.

So yeah, I'm going to get that job, buy that house, take care of my kids and run that 50 miles because I can. And I will!

Blue Line

Oh hell no, I am not talking about that! I fixed that problem last year! Rest assured I will NOT be conceiving any more children. This is much worse in my book! One word, boys. Honestly, need I say more?

I'm doing laundry when my son comes in and says "mom, I have a blue line on my penis." My first reaction is why God, why? Then the mom in me panics and thinks maybe he's dying? In my infinite motherly wisdom I say "what blue line? show me." I don't know what I was thinking. Clearly I wasn't. Being the boy that he is, he whips it out and says "see right there!" I sigh, no he's not dying and I actually know what this blue line is! I say "honey, you're alright. It's just a vein." Naturally I think this will suffice and the child will go away. NOPE! Not this son! "What's a vein? oh wait I know! When you get kicked in the penis, that's what hurts!" I now have a deer in headlights stare and my mouth hanging wide open. Since I don't have a penis I'm not exactly sure how to respond. Again, why God, why? Quick thinking I say "no honey, it hurts when you get kicked in the testicles. Now go to bed!" "oh! Ok mom. Night".

Seroiusly, who can do anything after that??? I went and had a beer.

Bright Idea

As moms we always get moments of bright ideas. We think, "wow, that could be a lot of fun!" or "surely the kids will love this!". In the infinite words of my mother "Uh, WRONG!!!!" clearly comes back to haunt me.

I thought Santa should ONLY bring each of my kids two presents this year. Mind you they get a TON of stuff from one set of grandparents and the other was purchasing a Wii for all of them to use (including games for each). Naturally two would be MORE than enough. After all, isn't Christmas about spending time with family? NOT how many presents are under the tree? My bright idea? Take the kids snowboarding, spend some time with them over winter break. Come on! Who wouldn't love to try something new and spend time together...my kids that's who!

Granted they did A LOT better than I expected, but after an hour of getting equipment on, dragging it out to the hill, and learning how to strap one boot in, my 4 year olds threw themselves in the snow, watched all the really good skiers and boarders go up the chairlift and proceed to eat an enormous amount of snow. They weren't complaining, so I figured I was doing good. My boys caught on really quick and seemed to enjoy themselves. My daughter gave up 30 minutes in because we weren't going up the chairlift as pro snowboarders after learning one thing. And mom and her partner were trying NOT to break their necks on the speed bump we practiced on.

All in all, it was an EXPENSIVE two hours. Thank goodness it was New Years Eve and I could dull the aches with a few adult beverages. Note to self, eating snow is more fun than your first snowboarding lesson and bright ideas should be thought out thoroughly!